You have no cards when it comes to forcing this relationship to end. Some people here do. Some don't, some are getting there and etc.
If I had told my H in January "I'm not sharing you with anyone" he would have just laughed and would have said "I'm really not your H anymore" and he may have filed if I tried to push him to end that crap, but for sure, he would have continued that relationship regardless of me and my feelings. In her mind, like my H in January, you are not married.
I agree RSF - my H is in this place now of "don't hassle me over OW - we are separated I can do what I want" and I have no power to stop it. But anything I can do to keep the final D papers away I will.
We have two choices as I see it: they continue with OP while legally still married, or they continue with OP while legally D. EIther way, they consider themselves free to pursue this - I would want to at least hold on to the legal right to M. Like Stronger, this may pass and you both will be so glad you did nothing final.
"c'mon. Is there any chance that she doesn't have an offer to do something with OM Saturday night? "
You're putting scenarios in your head again. If she is going with OM, so what? You can't stop that. Do you want to be with your kids? If so, then do it. Stop coming up with situations that don't impact you.
Enjoy your time with your kids.
Harsh!
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
It's not harsh. It's true. Stop thinking about what she is doing. There were plenty of times I let my H think I was out with the girls and in reality, I was exactly where I wanted to be: At home, alone with a great book or movie or girlfriends came to my place. He got it in his own head I was "out". Not true and honestly, I did nothing to make him think otherwise. As a matter of fact I would drop off S and look smoking hot, like I was going out.
It's not harsh. It's true. Stop thinking about what she is doing. There were plenty of times I let my H think I was out with the girls and in reality, I was exactly where I wanted to be: At home, alone with a great book or movie or girlfriends came to my place. He got it in his own head I was "out". Not true and honestly, I did nothing to make him think otherwise. As a matter of fact I would drop off S and look smoking hot, like I was going out.
I'm referring to this comment:
Originally Posted By: Stuck808
Stop coming up with situations that don't impact you.
All of this stuff effects me. This is someone I love. Someone I'm still married to. I'm not sure what principals, are guiding us, etc. When I look at the sitches of others its not clear. I think I'm struggling with that.
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 09/14/0912:49 AM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
My wife and I both had affairs. Both during times when we were vulnerable to doing so. I forgive both of us. We both participated in letting our marriage get to a terrible place. I left my wife. I wish I hadn't but I did. Maybe 3/4 of the problems in our marriage were my fault. Who knows. I'm less good at assessing my own needs. Probably lots of my needs went on unmet. So now I've apologized, I've told her I love her and I've asked her to reconcile. Right now I can't really say how much she's seeing OM. I've stopped trying to keep tabs.
So I've done what I can. So now do I just sit back and watch and wait? Do I support my wife of 18 years financially and emotionally while she's with another man? Do I do this because I made mistakes? I mean lets face it. I did a terrible thing and Im so sorry for it but do I just live with the emotional pain of her being with another man because of it? If so, what do I tolerate and for how long?
If I love myself and respect myself do I really do this? Will I respect myself later? These are the things I'm struggling with.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
No it doesn't. You allow it to affect you and let's face it, it's what you wanted and demanded to have. All she's doing is giving it to you. The sooner you get over that fact the better off you're going to be. It's out of your hands. You pretty much gave it to her and gift wrapped it for her.
"I forgive both of us."
How big of you. Again, you can forgive, only because you want to now. How about before when you were carrying on?
There's your harsh 2x4. You told her you were done and so she moved on. End of story. So now she's at that place, you have to give her the time and space to make a decision on her own as to what SHE wants to do. Stop being so selfish. It's what got you into this trouble in the first place.
There's your 2x4.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Stuck- a) why the heck are we up so late? and b) you really think it is that simple? It is totally glossed over that she cheated on him while they were together and he goes on to take responsibility for her doing that...(I'm still not buying that)
What I see RSF is that you are looking for answers as to how to handle the logistics of your separation. No matter what anyone says, the emotional stuff takes time and even when you've detached, it is still intense and there are ups and downs. In my sitch, I am trying to figure out how to handle money and cooperation issues with H. I can see from his FB page that he has married status on there + pictures with other women and one in particular who I saw texting him on his phone the other day and is now posting requesting he take his shirt off, talk in that deep voice of his, blah blah blah...just when I think I'm detached, well, I am to an extent because I am completely turned off by him and his public display but I am also somewhat humiliated and wanting to just cut all ties completely regardless of the fact that we have kids together and that I want it to be amicable.
So, that was my long, self-centered way of relating and saying that I understand that in theory, detaching and doing our own thing is simple but in practice, it is much more complicated.
In your sitch, I think she has a right to live her own life and you have a right to support her to the extent that you would if you were divorced (not a bit more). I would get real clear on that. Make an agreement that will be equal to what you would agree to in the case of D. You are also setting a precedent here. I don't buy that you deserve to sit back and finance her being with OM...no way. I wouldn't expect that from my H. I expect him to give me what he would give me in a divorce settlement...that's all (and no I never cheated on him while we were together)...the past is not the point. Plus, as long as you are bearing 75% responsibility, she is going to agree with you and continue to see you as the a**hole who is responsible and she has no culpability. No, at a certain point, you are two adults making decisions. If she doesn't want to be with you and give it a shot (which I understand), then she should accept the consequences that come with that decision. That's just IMO.
b)It's not the cheating that's the issue, it's the fact that he told her he was done finito. So he went and healed himself, found out what was wrong, etc. Did he tell her he was going to do that? No. He told her that he was done and all this while he was having his affair. From his W's POV, that's pretty done. I'd see the same way.
I'll try catching up to you on your thread.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Stuck, I agree with you in theory but here he is, wanting her back. It is what it is. I'm the last person that should be empathizing but I do because we are all human and fallible (in that vein, she did cheat before)...I understand her very well but I think he still needs to operate from a very practical standpoint when it comes to finances and kid issues.
My sitch hasn't been updated much...not much to report but I'll post something soon.
