Magnificent

[mishka422]

Actually, I think in a lot of ways we know you better than real life people, you know?

Jeff, you don't know just how correct you are! All of you here have read things about me that I don't tell any of my closest RL friends. My family has NO IDEA about my self-image problems or the realities of my past. I couldn't bear to see the look on their faces if they did. Hopefully, through all of this C, I will be able to present a better face to those around me and actually believe half of what I now fake. That would be a HUGE triumph for me.


Journaling a little more here since I'm still without a new one to write in.

The other night a girl I work with at the store was telling me about some things she has discovered about her ex BF that lead her to believe she could not accept him back even though he is begging. He is the one that broke off their R and she was devastated and now he's realized what he did but there have been too many truths revealed now about him that make her run the other way. She's 21 and still believes in love and everything it entails. I listened to her, gave her a few comments, and that was it but as she was talking the cynic inside me was roaring to spew. It horrified me, but it's become more clear to me over the last few days that maybe I'm cynical, maybe I'm practical - a realist.......I wanted to tell her, but I'm not going to be the one to shatter her dream of happiness. Who knows, maybe she's able to find that ellusive dream we all seemed to have at one time.

I think my soul is dead. Maybe that's why I am thinking this way. What way is that? Love doesn't really exist. It's a lie we tell ourselves to be able to live in peace with another person and procreate. Love, in all of it's definitions, is not possible for real life people to have. True love would require selflessness, respect and honor, a true desire to give everything you have to another person with no expectation of ever receiving any of that back from them. How can a person do that? They can't! People are inherently selfish creatures who are only out for themselves. Therefore, love doesn't exist. Cohabitation, sex, child rearing, and daily life do not require love, they require cooperation. The end. Love is impossible for people to have because of our very nature.

Call me what you will....cynic, dellusional, realistic, stupid, ugly, whatever. There is just no part of my soul left that believes in those things anymore. Is love a fancy or a feeling? Neither........it's just a fantasy. We would do better to remember that so we live in the now with no expectation of there being anything more to life. There isn't. This is it....accept it.