Good quotes. I just found an old fortune from a fortune cookie in my kitchen that said "Accept what comes to you each day." A fortune from a cookie that wasn't just a pithy statement! It was a good reminder for me . . .
I sort of want to echo what Jack said. I don't think BND was attacking you. She tells it like she sees it and to be as honest as possible, MLC is a whole different animal where what would seem logical, usually isn't.
I respect what you are saying about the validity of your R. Paper or not, it is a valid R, but that paper does change things. I didn't believe that until I lived it.
Most of us over here, have been or will be here a while. Our crisis has lasted longer than 1/3 of your whole R. So did BND's. It is a long haul and that is what we are trying to get GG to understand. Be her friend. Be other's as well. You do have valid things to share. Just understand it is a bit of a different boat that we travel on.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I don't think I ever believed for a minute that my Husband's MLC would last for years...but it did.
When I first found this board I didn't even register to post as I thought that he would be "normal" again in a few months and that everything would be OK again.
After several months of lurking, I finally registered.
Yes, it took years.
And thankfully he did return to the land of the living and things are good.
But standing for one's marriage whilst DB'ing and trying to handle the everyday crap that life has to offer can suck the life out of you if you let it.
GAL can be difficult too, especially if there are children or financial difficulties involved.
You do have to step out of your comfort zone and try something different, for yourself.
It doesn't have to be extreme.
Working on yourself has to be the priority, those changes have to be real, not a ploy to try and get your spouse back.
They will test you and watch you like a hawk to see if you are really changing.
They will push your buttons, say things to hurt you, tell you they love you, tell you they hate you...the list goes on.
Learn how to listen.
Learn how to shut your mouth and not defend yourself.
Learn that they will make many promises that they will not follow through on.
(((((hugs))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I just got back from a wedding party for one of my former students. They were playing their wedding video in their amazing basement. In fact, their entire home was amazing...that's what h and I were starting to do before all this, looking at new homes with the hi tech bells and whistles. I really want a new flat screen television and just some things that scream, ME, but all in good time. NO need to rush things right now I guess. I just HATE living here!!!!! I stayed only long enough to drop off a card and I cried all the way home for the loss of my m, the future dreams, etc. I'm sure it will get better, but things like that just really suck and I really, really want OUT of this house!!!!
BND..I'm doing my best to make my life go on, but setbacks are setbacks and this was a bad one.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
GG, Don't beat yourself up over feeling what you feel. You are human. You are experiencing a huge loss. Accept that you will have your down moments. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find something else to focus on. Over time you will find that even though the down moments continue to show up on occasion you will pick yourself up sooner and it won't hurt quite so bad.
Hang in there. Life truly does get better over time.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Thanks for the positives! I just needed to hear that from someone/anyone. I'm being the "victim" and "woe is me" again and I need to stop that.
You've been on this board since 2001, wow....I also see your location, my h was in the Navy in San Diego and we lived there for almost 2 years. It's a beautiful place.
Just so many memories over 20 years...I will never be able to erase them all. I wanted to grow old with him, to look back in our retirment home and say..."honey, remember when???" and I grieve so much for that loss. I still want to know "why?" Why did this happen and why couldn't I see it coming and do something about it!!!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Again, you are human. There are going to be triggers. Allow yourself to feel. Not dealing with your emotions now will only back up on you at some later date. Might as well just meet them head on. Don't wallow for long. If you have to, set a time limit and when your time is up, pick yourself up, dust off and refocus.
There are a handful of us here on the board from way back in the day. The original board began sometime in 1999 I believe.
San D is one of my very favorite places to go. I live about two hours away towards the desert. My fiance will be in San D next week for a class and I will be heading that way for a bit of R&R when class is over. Chillin at SeaPort Village is high on my list.
You may never get the answers to your questions. That doesn't make them any less important. At some point you will just have to find acceptance. The memories will remain, perhaps a bit bittersweet, but they are your history nonetheless.
*hugs* ~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
