I will not defend this woman, as I would like to beat her up for you. But.....
You are so mad at her, I think it's clouding your vision.
She called to tell you about a family oriented event. You asked her the worst possible question IF you were interested in doing something with her to see the interaction, her demeanor as this would be the first time you would have done anything with her since finding out about the cheating....but IF you wanted to put her on the spot and make her feel stupid for telling you about the event, your question was right on.
I will not defend this woman, as I would like to beat her up for you. But.....
Now that could be a heck of a pay-per-view cable draw!
Originally Posted By: Stronger
You are so mad at her, I think it's clouding your vision.
I don't know if I'm mad/angry or still just hurt and disgusted. Either way, I do see your point. It also remind me of something you had shared with me many post/text/emails/calls ago - if I new she was coming home, how would I be behaving. Would I have questioned her or would I have just said "That sounds like a great idea - what time did you want to go?"....
Originally Posted By: Stronger
She called to tell you about a family oriented event. You asked her the worst possible question IF you were interested in doing something with her to see the interaction, her demeanor as this would be the first time you would have done anything with her since finding out about the cheating....but IF you wanted to put her on the spot and make her feel stupid for telling you about the event, your question was right on.
What was your intention?
Frankly, I didn't want to see her today as I was still dealing with all the stuff from last nite's call. It didn't end till 2AM and I was up for almost another hour before I fell asleep. Of course my two WONDERFUL boys woke up at 6:30 AM as usual. So I was tired today and really was just looking to spend a relaxing, fun filled day with my boys
I also believe that there is an extremely high probability that she will be at the B'day party tomorrow. So I knew I would have to see her there. I know I can limit how much interaction I have with her, but will see how I feel when I see her. If it goes ok, I was thinking about asking her to join us for dinner, like she had before her cheating came to light.
One thing that has been bugging me from last nite's call was that during the first 1.5 hours where it was going badly, she had said that she has been dating but hasn't met anyone that she would consider long term relationship material. I know I told her that I won't work on any relationship with her while there are other parties involved while we are still married. I don't know what she is going to do. If she continues to date, I'm really not looking to rebuild any trust/relationship with her. I'm pretty sure I made myself clear, but with her twisted head, you can never tell
She did call to talk to say goodnite to my boys. My 3 year old didn't want to talk to her again. I just let my 7 year old answer. He chatted just for a few minutes and then hung up.
I did wind up texting her about an hour or so later - Have a good nite sleep. She never replied, not sure if she's out on a date or had gone to sleep or what. Either way, I'm sure I'll get some 2x4's from that one....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I guess my biggest struggle from Friday's call was we had ended it by saying we would need to rebuild the trust in order for us to have any relationship. I suspect she is thinking co-parenting as best friends. I know I would want it to be as husband and wife but don't see how it would be possible after all that has happened.
Bottom line though, I'm not going to work on anything as long as she isn't approaching it openly, honestly and respectfully. So while we are still married, it is disrespectful to have other parties should not be involved.
I've told her that during the call. I hope she gets it
I did get a few tactical text from her today about kids stuff. There was one about her car.
I thought the call on Fri went as well as it could have but now I'm not so sure. Perhaps I gave some control back to her.
I got to get my game face on for the party soon
Wish me luck!
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
The B'Day party with the boys was a blast. I felt a little "odd" as I was the only dad there - all the others were moms. My buddy, whose son's B'day it was, was there though.
She showed up a few minutes late. Part of me almost hoped that she wouldn't be there, but she called asking for help to find the place.
Anyway, when she got there, we didn't say anything to each other. The odd part of it was my boys pretty much ignored her as well. They said hi but when my 3 year old got bumped, he came running to me - right past her, even though she tried to pick him up. Even my 7 year old, who is a mama's boy, didn't pay her much attention till later.
Both my boys were playing and I saw her standing by herself watching them. I moved closer to her (I had been talking to my buddy up till that point). I was about 3 feet behind her and 10 feet to her left. The boys did some funny stuff having fun with their friends. I laughed and she turned and just smiled at me. I joined the kids in the fun and she just continued to watch and laugh. She said a few things making note of how much fun we were having.
We we sat down for the cake, I sat with the boys and other kids, she sat with the adults (the moms). I saw her looking at me and she smiled. I smiled back at her. When I got my cake, it was an end piece. In the past, I was never much of a fan of frosting, so when I got the end piece, I would cut off the frosting and give it to her. I walked up to her and cut off the frosting and pointed at it. She smiled and I gave it to her.
Towards the end of the party, she came over and sat with the boys and I. We talked very lightly (just about the party and the going on).
After the party was over, I walked the boys to my truck, she came over and I asked if she had plans for tonite. She said she didn't. I asked if she wanted to have dinner. She said she didn't have any money to pay to go out. I told her that I was aking her to go. She said that she was planning on running to a store to pick my 7 year old up a sweat shirt but that was about it for her plans tonite. I said we could go together before dinner since it was a little early.
She did a lot of talking about various stuff (typical stuff that we had talked about). I listened and tried to show her I was paying attention. When we were at the store, she made a comment about how she thought our talk on Fri was productive. I said I thought so too although I was still processing everything to figure out what I wanted to do.
We had a good dinner. We laughed and talked. The kids do a good job as well.
When we got home, I put the kids in her car and gave them hugs and kisses. She was sitting in her car by the time I was done with the boys. As she backed out of the driveway, I just waved and said goodbye boys, I love you.
So, I showed her the door is not locked, but I think I've done above and beyond what I should have done. It's up to her to walk through the door now.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
What are you thinking?! Not to be crude, but she's f*cking another guy which the thought of it made you throw up, and here you are all nice to her showing the door is open.
For one thing it's too soon. She's lied to your face left and right. Shown no remorse and honestly seems to be trying to get closer to the kids through you.
In your case, she's having her cake and eating it too. Whatever happened to detaching? She still has you wrapped around her finger.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You're right. She had lied to my face and had cheated on me. She had shown no remorse/regret or appologized for some time
She did appologize though in the call on Friday. It DOES NOT make things ok though and I told her that. I told her that I'm still working through all this crap and am still figuring things out. Not sure if she did said it because I kept pressing her to just acknowledge the truth and to stop lying to me. But she did appologize for hurting me by her actions once she admitted it.
So where we ended the call was that, in order to have any sort of relationship (co-parenting or otherwise), we must be able to rebuild the trust. Ironically, do I trust that she really means it? Right now - NO I do not
So my intention on Sunday, was to take the high road - much as many of here are doing. Our spouses are crappy spouses, while mine has committed the worst possible betrayal.
I still want the marriage to heal, but personally I do not think I have the strength to forgive her and accept her even if she did want to come back (which she has not expressed any move towards). I'm not worrying about that right now.
She will be part of our lives for a long time as she is the mother of my boys. So I will see her. If I will have to see her and have some sort of relationship with her, I must make sure that relationship is "healthy" where there is some level of honesty, openness and trust. Will it get to the level needed for us to be in a marriage relationship? I don't think so, but only the future holds that.
I've been trying to figure out how to de-escalate the situation that seemed to be spiraling out of control. I think from the what's happened over the last 3 days, it has.
I still do not plan on calling/chit chatting with her. If she calls me, that will be her initiative.
Even this morning, she text me at 6:30 AM saying she was sorry that our dinner went so late and I didn't get into NY too late.
So do I feel we are heading towards the right path? No I do not.
I do feel a certain level of detachment though as even when she left with the boys, I did not have any emotion to her driving away - other than saying goodbye to the boys. In the past before I found out about her infidelity, I would feel my heartbreak because of her and would want to give her the same hug and I love you's that I gave the boys. I did not feel any of that last nite.
So is that detachment? I don't know....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
This weekend was the first time CIPA has acknowledged her beyond logistics for the boys.
Yup. She cheated. Yup, we're still waiting for even more remorse.
Still, CIPA wants to save his marriage. And he took the high road and good for him. He had to do this. I would NEVER show any kind of remorse to a person I thought had no desire to see me, talk to me or deal with me beyond our children. What's the point? Why bother if I'll never be forgiven? If CIPA shows her that he's going to take the high road, he's showing her, if she tries, maybe he would consider forgiving her.
It's got to start somewhere. CIPA, I told you once, I'll tell you again, this whole time I have done and acted in a way that if my son could watch this whole thing like it were a movie, I would be able to sit right next to him and look him in his eyes and answer every question with my dignity completely intact. Yeah, I may have done things to piss H off, but I really don't care. I still have my diginity and my head is held high.
You too my friend can do that. And at the end of every day, you know this. And in the future, if this were to end, you would be able to tell the boys, "Hey she did what she did. I even opened the door to forgive her....." You are a true man and a true father.
No matter how mad you are, how hurt you are, how disgusted you are...you have to think in terms of "Is she truly sorry?" You can not think in terms of "How can I punish her?"
Do you understand where I'm coming from? One question could save this relationship....the other will only end it completely.
I would NEVER show any kind of remorse to a person I thought had no desire to see me, talk to me or deal with me beyond our children. What's the point? Why bother if I'll never be forgiven?
I feel remorse when I deeply and geniunely regret a choice that I've made. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not the person that I wronged is willing to forgive me or not. Remorse comes from my heart, and indicates that a major positive change has taken place.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I agree with Stuck. You are literally letting her eat her cake and icing. She needs to see your boundaries set. She needs to respect you again. It was great you were nice to her just like I'm sure you were nice to all the other moms. But, she just like the other moms are currently screwing other guys. Is she sorry. I sure haven't seen that. I haven't read about any remorse or accountability. And until she see's you TOTALLY DETACHED and RESPECTS you again you never will.
I know this sucks, but you are just seeing the REAL her. Better now then in 20 years. Not everyone is this screwed up. Not everyone is unwilling to look at themselves in the mirror and admit they have problems to WORK on.
I really hope for her sake she still has the strength to do that. She will soon realize that she has made the biggest mistake of her life and have to live with that guilt. She is already seeing the type of guys that are out there and willing to screw around with someone who is "seperated".
Just keep on detaching and sticking to your boundaries. If she's worth it she will be willing to FIGHT for it.
