I know what you mean about the addiction. Why else would so many LBSs stick around and hope. I also am pretty sure that it is more guilt than addiction on the WASs side. In my opinion their addiction has to be milder because while we were waiting and hoping, they were out doing their thing.
On the OW issue, I would imagine that it must be very difficult on the WAS to cut it off cold turkey. We may underestimate the feelings that they have developped for this other person. Regardless of what they say, I am not sure I believe the line that he / she meant nothing to me. Not after a prolonged period. A fling that lasts a week or so....maybe. When we get into years, the WAS must be adddicted to OP as well.
I know the feeling of looking at your stbX over a cup of coffee and wondering what the hell happened? Wondering if this is all salvageable.....
Hey K.. one of those weekends its hard for me to post, but wanted to quick drop in and check on you and tell you I am thinking of you. I am glad you 'ambushed' H, as you put it.. you need to talk to him hey. But not that damn coffee shop again.. still, at least this time there was some conversation this time?
Originally Posted By: Kalni
He said he feels guilty, that I made him feel guilty with my emails and that he cant look at me in the eyes. That he is very sad this is happening...
He couldnt talk. It felt like something was holding him back. I cant really decsribe it... He also said the kids are not meeting any woman. Although he wasnt so determined about Christine being "nothing" as he used to say. So I guess he is seeing her again.
I wish he could for once, just once, open up and talk to me. Tell me he loves her and that he regrets what happened or apologise or say something coming from the heart. I must have really thought he was alot more than he really is.
You know, he is only to me what you describe here... but I dont reckon he is in love with her, or loves her. I think he loves you, sadly, even if you do both have to walk away. For him, I think SHE was the addiction, thats how it works hey. I also think you will get tht apology one day, even if you have to wait years to hear it. I got one from the Piscean 15 years later and one from my last ex, 9 years later. And didnt you and your exH (Rob?) have some healing convos many years later?
Hugs to you!..hope you are having a good evening, painting maybe?? Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
What you say strikes close to home - your description (and the description of addiction) sounds like what passed, in some ways still passes, between my XW and me. It left me continually asking "Why" and unable to move on because of that feeling that we weren't done.
It's the strong emotional connection and it can be a killer. If he won't end it, you'll have to because you can't continue an emotional connection with someone who won't/can't be with you.
Like Ali noted, he probably doesn't love her but loves you, just like my XW doesn't love her "muse" but probably still loves me. The problem is, neither of them can be there for us. There is something in them that prevents them from being there for someone else in a long-term relationship. And so they sabotage. Have short-term relationships. Never get too close. Focus on themselves. But deep down they probably know how messed up they are - my XW kept saying "What's wrong with me?! If I can't make this R work, I won't be able to make any R work."
But we can't do everything and if they can't be there for us, then we have to accept that fact, cut the ties, and move on. It isn't a "sick" situation, necessarily, but just one of incompatibility. All R take work, but when the R is capable of being long-term, both people are willing to do the work, not one always running away and the other being left to prop up everything.
Are you a sadist, masochist, optimist, codependent, independent, self confident, self assured, strong, insecure?
I know I was all of the above any number of times. Then again my spouse completely and totally left to the woman he was involved with and later married. And he did me a favor.
He was adamant about divorcing, never wavered. Yet I clung onto my beliefs.. in marriage, in family even when it made no sense.
It's a process, Ms. K... and you learn as you go. When you feel yourself 'weaken'.. is it out of sorrow, pity, or belief in the future, the past?
Listen to your bullshit meter, pay attention to your inner voice. And if red flags start waving, take action.
My 2 best GFS were having a party for the kids today. These are people that we hacve known for ages but are clearly MY friends.I was supposed to meet H to pick up the kids to take them to the party. It was his weekend but the kids are close and wanted to go. He said he would bring them there. He comes and lingers up to the point that my one GF offered coffee. That was it! He stayed for the entire party. There 3-4 couples "of" my girlfriends and he KNOWS they know because one of those that had the party was the one that came to my rescue when I found the emails. It was SOOO weird. My friends were wondering if this is normal, divorcing and wanting to spend time with "us". Of course he was totally into the kids but he did mingle and talked to the Hs of my friends and me some. I was distant but polite.
OK, any takes on how you explain that? You divorce your wife, have a GF and then what...? You play happy family again? This just aint normal. At least not in THIS country.
He looked sad and embarassed. Still, he did not opt to leave as the plan was when he brought the kids. And I didnt leave any opening, he made my GF feel she had to offer him a coffee since he stayed there for so long and wasnt leaving.
I am loosing my mind. This man is crazy. He needs serious help and counceling. And I cant do it. K
"OK, any takes on how you explain that? You divorce your wife, have a GF and then what...? You play happy family again? This just aint normal. At least not in THIS country."
This is very common, I believe, when the WAS does not really want to close the door. In fact, I think it would be unusual for him to make it a hit & run event.
My H called my friends & asked if he could join their invitation only party so he could be with us at Easter.
I still get the feeling that you're leading the charge & it'll probably be you who goes for it, because he's just not that interested in getting D'd.
Anyway, none of this surprises me, seems pretty script.
It's not "normal' in any country but it does happen especially when the WAS continues to waffle. I don't know if your H was ever ready to end the M. He had many opportunities to end it with you last year if that's what he really wanted. He really can't make a definitive decision one way or the other. If you want the D, you are probably going to be the one to have to push for it.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
stbxH said again yesterday -and that is to answer to John as well- that he is alone. He did not say she was nothing, he had kept saying "she is nothing now". How could he? All the mails clearly showed they were crazy in love with each other and that he somehow stopped feeling that way last summer at some point. But yesterday, he didnt say anything about her and my litle voice tells me they are seeing each other, maybe not in a bliss but she probably hopes this is it... (Good Luck with that girlfriend!!!)
Girls, I will push for the divorce. If I had the money I would file on my own but since he really doenst object either -he agreed yesterday- I dont want to give away 5000 euros to a lawyer for nothing.
I asked this again last year, here I am again : do I have to teach him how to divorce me? This is ridiculous. K
I have been reading along, I just really don't know what to say...
It is strange these men who don't seem to know how to fully commit, or how to fully let go, either. They do just enough of both to make a person crazy...
Even so I am glad you spoke with him and he admitted he felt small after reading your emails. Now you know he read them and that he also 'got' them. He does know how badly he messed up.
I hope you were still able to enjoy yourself at the party. Love ya.
Hey K, Not sure i remember the question....however, what if he IS alone? What if he is sorry? What if he wants his wife back? His family back? What if....
