H, I am so sorry to hear this. I have been out of town this past few days for work & haven't been on the boards. What happened w your H is almost exactly what happened to me in Aug! All the sudden, after minimal contact since March, it was "we have to talk". Emails every day. He wanted to come over on the weekend & discuss what we'll do with our house & dogs. It's so awful I know. You sound strong & balanced and really in control though. I know how much this hurts & I too am trying to navigate through this horrible process. The above advice is good, & I also encourage you to talk to a L, learn your options legally etc. I know it sucks & I cried all the way to my first appt. but I met w 3 and it gets a little easier. I got good advice from Karen43 on my thread, I'll send you the link. I tried to slow H down but realize it was only making things worse. In fact Karen said it was close to pursuing. In my stich though ALL our finances are together, we own a house, have 2 dogs, no kids though. So H could really wreak havoc if he wanted. Anway, I agree, think of yourself, protect yourself. I still have not hired an L yet, I have to decide that pretty soon. H stayed her at our house while I was out of town & I noticed it appears he's taken our 2008 fed tax return. I am kicking myself for not making a copy. Anyway, you have been doing a good job of caring for yourself emotionally - now take care of yourself financially & legally. My H wants to do a dissolution which is way cheaper & faster than a D. Its really hard, I do not want him to file a D but neither want to sit down & do the 50/50 diss. either. My H said exactly what yours is saying. And I just feel like I don't know what he'll do next but I don't want to be blindsided with papers or something. So please take care of yourself. You have my support & prayers. Hugs to you, LFA
Hi all- It's been quite some time since I posted. Overall I've been much better across the past month, very focused on GAL, friends, going out, saying 'yes' to most all invitations, very busy w work and travel, etc. Even went on a date a few times (even though don't think it's going anywhere). H had been out of country most of past 3+ months, and staying in CA with friends before starting his job back east here (tomorrow!)
We has called me a few times past couple weeks...I don't initiate anything. First couple calls I did not answer, then spoke about 10 days ago and probably had one of the most decent/civil conversations we've had in awhile. Just chatted/caught up, light conversation...he kept asking me "what my deal was" though. That's the only time I got a little snippy...he said "oh I feel bad leaving you with all the furniture.." B.S.! That's b/c he has his new empty apt to furnish and wants some... I bought all of our furniture anyway.
Anyways, he is back in town and texted me yesterday asking if he could come by to get some curtains. Those are his and I'm fine w it, but to be honest I don't think that's really why he wants to come by. I think he probably wants to have the 'talk' again about signing papers and getting on with this, or at least survey our apt and see if he can ask me for a few things (some stuff is rightly his and he said he would like to come following weekend to get his dresser, rest of clothes, etc).
I guess my question is this, if we end up talking and he asks me if i've been dating and such, do I tell him? Part of me thinks it's none of his business, but I don't want to get in a fight over it. No I am not seeing anyone (and he's certainly been w women during our separation), but I have had couple casual dates w one guy across the past month, and am now finally more open about going out w other people, after close to 1 year of separation and he consistently telling me marriage is over.
I haven't gotten lawyer but do have names of 2 good people locally. All of our stuff is separate but I know I have more to lose if we D, if he comes after me for stuff/$ (even though he was one that walked out).
I want to be cordial and civil and friendly (and even though I'm so much stronger than I was months ago, I'm a little afraid of a roller coaster of emotions and losing it again, mourning that this really is ending). I've been so much better about moving on lately, but still have a false sense of comfort in the fact that we are still legally married...the paper signing and making it final is going to be very hard. And still I would be very happy to have the chance to give this another shot, I'm certain he still is done (and there are moments when i don't feel like I like the person he's become either...it's the nostalgia and memories - 12 years together - that's hard to let go of).
So how much do I reveal to him - if he asks - about dating? Just be friendly/civil/upbeat? (that's how I was during our last exchange, genuinely so, and it ended up being a pretty positive one). What if he keeps pressing for stuff/furniture? I decided to renew my lease and stay here for the time being, which I know annoys him..he wants me to move cities so it's easier for him, I'm sure. I have a few friends here and have tried to make a life for myself here for the time being, but know I will not stay here long-term.
Love your thoughts. Hope all is well... this is such a crazy long ride. -hhh
If he asks give him a sort of surprised/curious smile and say "Why are you asking me that?" And then don't answer him. If he pushes, say "I'll just let your imagination run away in whatever direction it wants to go." And then change the subject. Should he push let him know "At this point in our relationship I can still say in front of God and my family and friends I am a good decent person."
Thanks Stronger. He did come by a few hours ago (first time I have seen him in over 3 months!) It was very civil. He didn't ask me about dating, just kept asking me how I was doing, etc. Sounded upbeat and happy, told him some basics of what i've been up to but not much detail. He said he was getting a bed and furniture for his new place so does not sound like he is reconsidering anything in terms of getting back together. Mentioned a couple of things he might want when I move, but he's letting me keep them while I'm here... It's like he's waiting for me to move, and I'm somewhat waiting for his next steps in terms of bringing up paperwork. I helped him pack up a couple of things, he gave me a hug, and after about 45 mins overall he left...said he'd call me later in the week and we could 'maybe grab dinner one night and talk' I know it's 'the talk'... he starts his work this week, only part time, until November. Lives in a part of town with all his business school buddies and it seems like he's still a bit in school/party mode. Who knows if that will change when he starts work..
Overall I held it together, did not fall apart when he was there or after he left. Overall I am stronger than I was a few months ago...however looking at his sitting across the room, I still felt attracted to him and a deep tenderness for this man that is still technically my husband, a lot of nostalgia and sadness about giving away the past/our memories...I still wish he'd want to give us another shot but I'm definitely at a point where I realize I cannot make him do anything. I cannot make him love me or be my husband if he no longer wants to...but it still hurts.
I am tempted to email/text just kindly "nice seeing you, good luck w the move" but feel like maybe continuing in 'dark' mode might be better...I've initially nothing across these past 3 months. I guess I'm apt to just see where the cards fall...I'm sure he'll bring up the finality sooner rather than later, and in the meantime i try to be as good and loving and kind as a person as i can be, not be a doormat, and look out for myself and my own happiness. Wish he saw that i am the same person - and better - now, but again, that's his thing, not mine.
Peace all...I'll be on here a bit more in the weeks ahead I'm sure.
How is everything w your situation, Stronger? It sounded like your H filed again (what prompted that?) recently but is not in reconcile mode again. Hope you are doing well.
I still felt attracted to him and a deep tenderness for this man that is still technically my husband, a lot of nostalgia and sadness about giving away the past/our memories...I still wish he'd want to give us another shot but I'm definitely at a point where I realize I cannot make him do anything. I cannot make him love me or be my husband if he no longer wants to...but it still hurts.
First of all, it's going to hurt and it's going to be hard for awhile. You're doing a good job, just keep up the work. No, you cannot make him do anything. Continue to focus on yourself and make your life what you want it to be.
Nostalgia is a strong emotion and I understand that it colors how you see the present. I've been with BF for nine years, that's a lot of memories and shared experiences. I'm struggling with if what he is doing now is good enough for me or if I'm just holding on because life is comfortable and familiar. Change is scary but sometimes it is for the best, we just can't see it yet.
My advice to you would be to spend some time visualizing what your ideal life would look like without your H in the picture. Focus on that picture and do whatever it takes to make it a reality.
Are you staying back east because you really want to or just because you're waiting around for H to come to his senses? If he feels that you're still there for him he won't truly feel the loss of you.
I would also recommend staying dark. I think you're experiencing an emotional response to seeing him after a long time. Don't start pursuing behaviors now, keep on your own path and let him walk his.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks so much Pearl for checking back in. It feels frustrating when you think you'll doing so well and have moved on, and then feel like back to square 1 seeing him and all those emotions come flooding back. I need to start visualizing life more and more without him, i know (easier for course when he was away) and really think about what I want. I have some good new activities and hobbies and things to look forward to, just miss the comfort of him, specifically, and also of a partner.
About staying east, I had decided to stay here for the time being more for me...b/c I've been enjoying visits to NY and DC with friends, trying to make the most of my east coast experience (i've been back here for 14 years so a move all the way back to CA is a big step!) and even made some new friends in Boston... so it's fine for now with my cozy apt and my home office...but it's not long term, I know that. I had renewed my lease but planned to make a move come the new year. I also wanted to get us figured out before I move, but not waiting per se on him. I don't know why he doesn't just do it (file, get on with the D) if that's what he wants... how long am I willing to wait? I think he's probably waiting for me to do it, but that is what I struggle with, it is truly hard for me to take the initiative to go ahead and file when I don't want this D at all (or don't believe in walking away from marriage without getting some good counseling/support)? But I know he's not my husband right now anyway, purely on paper.
I think it was probably good for him to see me upbeat and happy, not needy or anything, but I dont think it changes things for him either. I hadn't felt in limbo over the summer months (i felt like i'd moved on spiritually, if you will), and for some reason w him back i feel a bit in limbo again.. at least I have some tools to draw upon that i didn't before.
I am also trying to navigate the dating thing, and get myself out there (it's a distraction if nothing else!)..being with him since 21 it's some new things to learn! I was having fun with it too.
Ugh..anyway, feeling a little low and in limbo again, and playing on going dark and trying not to think about him, but part of me is wanting resolution too. Again, I think he should be the one to take action since he's the one that wanted to end things - not me - but he hasn't yet. Weird, Frsutrating..oh well.
Hi H, Just wanted to check in, you sound so much stronger now! I'm not qualifed to advise you re: dating but looks like the pros have got you covered. You should feel really good about the progress you've made!
I can relate about the uncertainty over time, sometimes I've felt really detached then, I'm really bummed when I consider the length of our S & no contact. Sounds like you are doing all the right things though.
Re: your H not filing, I can't remember if you said you'd seen a lawyer. But if not, you may just want to interview a few, not for you to file (unless you want to) but so you know what your options are (i.e. legal separation, dissolution or divorce etc.) If he does file you'll be ready & know what you'd have to do. Much as I hated going, I felt better understanding what my options were, although for me all our financial stuff is together. Which is not a good position for me. I know what you mean, I am so sick of the up & down rollercoaster too. Keep venting here for support. Please take care of yourself H!
LFA! It is so great to hear from you and I've been thinking about you too! What's the latest with you? It sounded like your H did file but was trying the disolution route? Sometimes it's hard to move on without the filing and being done with it, but the hardest thing I struggle with is to file vs not, because I don't want this, and yet it is in some ways I'm sure preventing me from fully moving on. Like a Catch-22!
Some days (more lately) I feel lonely again...but when I'm busy w my friends and work and just trying the think positively, i feel better. I did go on a date with one guy (well more of just a hook-up) and started developing a crush on him, which was a great distraction and confidence booster and changed my energy for the better. Made me actually think maybe there are other good guys out there that could even be a better fit for me than current H! But then this guy turns out to be a 'player' and not call me or want anything more, and i feel a bit the sting of rejection... I know it comes w the territory but still hurts as I go back 'out in the world', if you will.
And then sometimes I feel anxious about it like i really want to meet someone again...if it's not H then have that level of closeness w someone else. I get impatient sometimes. Like I want to short-circuit the process but I know it takes time and it may be awhile before I find someone again...and I need to heal fully first. Ugh. The process. I keep telling myself to trust the process...and continue GAL. But I also feel kind of sensitive too... I had a girlfriend lecture me the other day about how i need to take it slow with guys (hello, i've waiting 10 months!) and not rush into anything and kind of was getting all preachy with me, and i felt really judged and talked down to. It really upset me. Maybe I'm just uber-sensitive, and caught b/w missing/wanting H, and/or wanting new crush or distraction... oh well.
Yes I have lawyers names and will call to speak w one of these days soon. Just didn't want to have to pay fees and stuff yet. But I know i need to get around to it. Did you interview for free or did they charge you to educate you on basics even if you don't retain them? Advice on that front helpful as well.
Many thanks, and my prayers are with you! Hugs -hhh
Hi H, Yes, I can relate to the quandry of, wanting it to just be over vs. the finality of it all is kind of scary. Yes, I feel more sensitive sometimes, after all you've been through it's normal. Sometimes friends, even relatives don't get it, & it's hard to hear what they have to say. Was your girlfriend ever married? Perhaps she is really not in a position to advise you. If she's a good friend try letting her know now is not the time to lecture, listening may be more appreciated right now!
Re: The lawyers, yes, I saw 3 and all consultations were free. I asked when calling, one place wanted $100 for the consult & I didnt' go to them. It might say on their website or you can definitely call & ask. I got one referral from a coworker, that's another way - you can ask people you know. There's a website http://family.findlaw.com/ I found which can help you locate Ls near you & also has info on what questions to ask etc.
As for me, haven't heard from H in about a month now. I think he moved in with OW. If you have time to check my thread all the details are there. Ugghhhhh. It's ugly. I have been fairly OK, with moments of not, ADs have really helped. Havent' done well w GAL, work has taken over the past couple weeks, I really need to work on that much more. Thanks for asking. You are in my thoughts too. It is hard to be single after many yrs with someone, but you deserve to be treated well & so do I. In my single days, I used to say I'd rather be alone than treated like crap (had a few bad relationships lol) I need to focus on me right now & not me as part of a couple. You have my support too H! (((((H))))))
