I would thank him for locking up and taking care of the last minute stuff and ask for the key back. If you had a friend that did lock up for you, you would ask for the key back once you got home right? Don't make it into a big deal. I can't swear he won't but that is his problem, not yours. Just don't get sucked in and treated it like I said, a friend situation.
get the key back. it will show total strength and confidence on your part.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Ok, so update... finally got my key back yesterday. As the typical LDS, I felt nervous pushing it, like maybe I'm blowing our reconcilation, or pushing things back. But I did it nonetheless b/c H was using the key to walk in like he's back home, and without giving me any dough, so I was not confortable with him having the key at all. How I did it, kinda chicken way, but I did it. I told him that there are 2 options: one, if he is ready to come back home and be a husband he can have his key back, or two, if like he says he is working on things and need time, then I will lovingly hold on to thre key until he;s ready. First convo, H brushed off and said "V, let me make my decisions." I said ok, you need some time. Then, second convo, was in the midst of a argument when we threathened to move on, I asked what about the key. Then last night I asked again and he gave it. But he was not happy. We ended up arguing about the money he gives ow and he lost his tempter.
So, where we are. I'm feeling like H is pulled back again and I've been in pursue mode again. I'm struggling with whether this is time for us to be pursuing each other of still do nc. So I do nc off and on, some days I force myself not to call H. And for the guy who was desperate to save his marriage, he doesn't call me at times either. I'm still very unsure of where H and ow stand. I don't think he has pulled back. She still calls numerous times, although I know there is really nothing that will stop her from that. But H who came back saying that he wants to do things together and to make decisions together has says little things "let me handle my business" and I'm asking too many questions, and he's gradually pulling back from ow. So I'm still kinda unsure about this M. I know part of his change is that I'm changing back to to making may suggestions/demands, asking too many questions, and way too much R talk. I feel tired though of DB, when does it ever get ok to just be in a relationship and to be loving and loved back.
So, as of today I'm doing nc with him. He was very rude and disrepectful in our last argument and I feel like I don't want to deal with this crap anymore.
Hey Vicky. Sorry to see that things are still so up and down.
NC is the thing that I see that has worked consistently for you. I'm the last person to be giving advice, because we all know I don't follow it (right Pup?) but if you take anything from what I say its this. Make this man SHOW you his changes. Don't take his breadcrumbs anymore. If he really wants his M back, hes got some hard work to do. Keep doing your GAL and doing stuff for you because that part sounds great. His little comments and texts keep you sucked in, I know because mine did the same thing. It wasn't until I started not feeding into it that it stopped.
BTW...sending anon. text messages Google free online text messaging and there are lots of places on the web that let you do that.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I agree with NC. Until he is free of OW, he is going to continue this backwards and forwards dance. Give him his space, and let him see that if he comes back, he's going to have to be trustworthy and to gain your trust, he is going to have to be transparent.
I know how you feel when it seems like a constant merry-go-round.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
you are right on point, I was thinking this morning... wait a minute, what has this guy done to prove that he has moved on and is trying to save the M. He says he's tired and he wants a good life, and he's making changes, but what changes. I know his son calls him to bring him food, but H hasn't set the boundaries. Oh, I guess, as he says, he's "gradually pulling away." The things that are still the same:
i. ow calls various times of the day (early morning, day, late nights). He doesn't answer the phone when he's with me and she calls. But that needs to stop. Even though part of me thinks it will be hell to get her to stop since she does whatever she wants to do anyway. ii. he hasn't sat down and discussed financial matters with me. Still from my perception is giving ow all kinds of money for "child support". Struggles to give me anything. iii. still pops in at ow's house different days to see son or drop off things for him.
To give him some credit, I guess, some changes he says he's made is that he goes over to ow's place to see his son less, but he still goes at various times. Also, actually this weekend I think we made somewhat of a breakthrough. H still babysits ow's daughteer when he has his son, and it still bugs the crap out of me. Am I to accept two kids now. His reasoning is that the little girl feels unloved and she always ask to come along and he doesn't want to hurt her and she's just a child and I should get over it already. So on Monday, the kids were over at mil's house and I was ticked off - son is one thing where did this girl come into the pic. Anyway, h was good about takign me over to mil to prove his point that no matter what the little girl doesn't know what's going on and she just wants to be included. She even calls mil granny. Anyway, after that he picked the kids up in the car with me (which is totally different b/c he usually keeps me at a distant). He dropped me off and then went and dropped the kids home. What was nice was that he included me to interact with them. I even complimented him after. It felt like they are a part of our lives, not him being a part of their lives and I'm on the outside. It was even funny to me that when the daughter asked me what's your name and I told her. OMG, you should have seen the kids expression. H's son put his hand over his mouth and his eyes must have doubled. They said oh no, and I asked h to ask them what happened, and they said, our mommy said we're not suppose to talk to her. I actually laughed it off and told them that's ok, you don't have to talk to me, I'll talk to you. And said to H's son, you're too cute so of course I'm going to keep talking to you. But H defended me and told them don't listen to her and that I'm a nice person. But how could ow be crazay enough to send her kids to over to my family, a place she can't even visit or call over to, and then expect to dictate who the kids talk to when they're there. That is insane. But it's so sad how kids are deeply involved in this mess. I would so protect my kids from being any part of this. It's a bad influence on them. Anyway, I thought that was nice this weekend.
Anyway, that said, I think I need to pull back until H has made some more changes. It so true what MWD says - once we revert, the WAS reverts back too. H is so bad to his old self. I need to practice consistency. I struggle with being consistent, I know it.
It is so hard when there are children involved. OW should never have allowed herself to get pregnant ---- that is no way to keep a man, if that was her intention. And the little half-sister! I feel so sorry for her. She did nothing wrong, and here she is embroiled in adult stuff. What the heck was this OW thinking? I guess she wasn't doing so at all (just as your H wasn't either). Ugh!
Be compassionate. It will give you loads of points in the universe.
Your H could change his tel. number (mind did), but if there is an emergency concerning S, it may be a problem. This is something that needs some thought. It must be so annoying having OW phone all the time.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You know this weekend that is exactly what I was thinking about - compassion!!! After reading so many books on the Dai Lama and the Tao, I was thinking that my discomfort with the little girl being involved with H really shows no compassion. Then the other side of me says, but how much compassion can one person exhibit. I guess teh Dali Lama would say an endless amount right. So yes, I so thought that I'm not being compassionate. After I thought H he did good this weekend, I even said go ahead maybe I'm trying to make you go to hell. H says that we never know later years that the little girl might thank him that he wasn't her father but he still showed her love. So will see how it goes. I just know that if I even push it I guess I will look like the mean evil one.
And YES it is absolutely annoying having her call all the time. H has changed his # numerous times, for a while our families were saying that he ph # must be giving away for free . But of course he had to give it back, and especially when he goes back to being involved with ow. I remember the last time he said he would change his # I just told him don't even bother. He will have to give it to her for emergencies anyway. But I've made a decision that I'm not going to let her calling him upset my mood anymore, it use to cause big arguments. I truly feel that there is little he can do to stop her. She is on a mission, and I know it.
So this whole situation is too much to handle and I constantly ask myself why am I still involved in this. Moving on seems so much more attractive. God knows how I've try to move on...
Ok, gotta give myself a 2x4, yesterday, I was on a pursuing roll- one of those where you just can't stop yourself. After saying to myself I won't talk to H until he calls me, I called him. Yes, I did and kept calling too. It was ridiculous. I called at first and told him that how he spoke to me was unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. And that I need to be financially supported and that I did not work with him all these years to not be taken care of. He said that I kicked him out. Then we hanged up. Then I called back, which just put the ball in his court b/c he didn't answer the phone. Then I called back an hour later, then I text him even better just change your number (Gosh, I really which he would change his #, I promised myself I won't memorize it and would just erase it from all caller ID just so that I have no means of following up on these temptations.) Any then I got this crazy notion to text him change your # so that he would get annoyed and do just that. I texted about 11 times. Then I actually called again.
But can you believe how pathetic I was. Then get this, I texted just him just wanted to know when I kicked you out. And then I called from a different #. He answered. I said so it's my # you'r not answering. And to show you how tacky my H is, he said what man's # are you calling me from. I said don't worry about it. He said that I kicked him out and he got kicked out again and I said to him to GET OUT. I was like OMG, that is such a lie. Which it is. He got into his attitude the night and started to curse and carry on,, and I said, ok, H have a good night. I started to tell him my recollection of what happen, he said he's going to get some food will call me back, and here I am the next day and still no call back.
Anyway, I am totally disappointed in myself. This was some crazy stalker crap. I am so appalled with myself. But what's done is done. I feel like I don't remember any of Michelle's teachings. What pursuit mode.
So I decided to give myself this good 2x4 and to come here to seek encouragement to stop this crazy lady behavior. My desire is to not call H anymore. Put a stop to the pursuit. He is not interested in talking to me so I need to leave it alone. Please help. I can't keep doing this. This is so like an addiction where you know it's bad but you can't stop. I need AAA for relationships. Heeeellllllpppppppp.....
