I ambushed stbxH today when he came to pick up the kids and I went and hopped in the car and said "lets grab a coffee and talk. You keep ignoring me and we need to set things straight and moving".
We went to...Starbucks and I talked. I was talking. Asked if he had seen the offer and if he had objections. From what he told me, he had not seen it. He has it for over a month. At one point I told him it is ridiculous. What is his problem? He wouldnt even look at me. He said he feels guilty, that I made him feel guilty with my emails and that he cant look at me in the eyes. That he is very sad this is happening.
And yes, after 15 minutes "massaging" he said he will proceed with checking the offer and calling the lawyer this week.
He couldnt talk. It felt like something was holding him back. I cant really decsribe it. I am not naive to think he wants me, I just think he is overwhelemed because of all the "issues" he needs to take care of. He said he is planning to rent a apt. He also said the kids are not meeting any woman. Although he wasnt so determined about Christine being "nothing" as he used to say. So I guess he is seeing her again.
I wish he could for once, just once, open up and talk to me. Tell me he loves her and that he regrets what happened or apologise or say something coming from the heart. I must have really thought he was alot more than he really is.
I realised coming back, I must have an addiction to him. And I would even dare say, this "addiction" is mutual. We cant seem to let go of our marriage. Both of us. We do understand that this is not working out anymore, that the facts and reality ruined any last chance we had but we both wont let go.
For me its not about fear anymore. I was thinking last night what am I afraid of? Except from not finding someone that will love me enough, I am not afraid of anything else.
I know now that time isnt waiting for me. No matter how hard we try to hold on to bad things that happen to us, time just forces us to move on and deal with them. We say here it is a choice to move on. Well, NO!!! It is not a choice. No matter how stuck we get to persons and situations, time, life FORCES to move on. It's how we do it and with the less possible "residues" that matters.
stxH and myself are not done with each other. Before some of you react to this statement let me explain: We are not done mentally. We dont like what it means to be done emotionally (which we both are for some time now) and we are fighting it. We dont like the consequences and what that means to our kids. We do feel we are family to each other. And we cant separate our lives even after 2 years living apart. Insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again with the same result hoping something will change. This conversation about divorce has happened at least 4-5 times now. Everytime, we stop. Every single time, we wouldnt follow through.
But, the way things are now, we need to force ourselves to "let go". And stick to that and not look back. Because it has become a sick situation. K
