Baby steps: He tells me his disappointment clearly and calmly without explosion this morning. although I go into my usual panic mode, THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!!
He comes home for dinner starts down a bad path – criticizing me for not disciplining S enough, for offering coffee when there was none (making him late) - He says”Why do I bother to come over here” I defend us saying “Because he’s your son and he’s been like this constantly. It’s not just that I don’t discipline him - I discipline him constantly” and he says “See I shouldh’t trust you - you said there was coffee and now I don’t have time to get any before I leave tonight” and I said, “I told you I made coffee earlier. IF the cleaners dumped the coffee how would I know. That doesn’t mean I’m untrustworthy.” Teeny-tiny backbone?
Basically , he saw I was on his side disciplining S and he calmed down and talked to me. I just don’t trust him to stay calm. That is the problem. Here I am doing all this listening and validating and staying calm and he’s so unpredictable and moody. I’m doing all the work and listening to his crap. I wish I could walk away and tune him out when he’s so mean. My IC says he’s terrified and needs to learn to trust. So I keep trying but I'm tired.
I called H (he had left) when S was still freaking out about wanting candy instead of dinner and it went on for 30 minutes. H stayed on the phone with me and helped me through it. H didn’t criticize my parenting, he just helped me. It felt really supportive. AndI”m so paranoid this mystery girl is at his game tonight – but he was so open about where the game is, and what was going on. He didn't seem secretive at all.
It’s been working that I show interest in his life – his sci-fi shows, his role playing games, his computer stuff. It matters a lot to him. It shows I’m not as selfish as I once was. I try to really be open where I was closed. I just wanted us to do our own things before, this hurt him. He wanted to share more things. I’m trying.
It’s just the mean thing. And he’s telling his family this week that we’re separated. If he thought we’d get back together he wouldn’t be doing that. It’s so up and down. He said it's because he's just not a good liar and doesnt want to hide it. I told him "do what you need to do for yourself. Just don't paint a one-sided picture that makes me look like the bad guy." I'm feeling really scared about what my inlaws think but why should I. They have always been extremely distant - rarely taking part in our S's life, let alone ours,- and they are incredibly self-centered. It doesn't really matter what they think.
