More and more over the last few weeks I have felt done. These texts, emails, constant emotional blockage have taken their toll on me. Being welcoming, receptive and avoiding all key issues blah blah blah has worked up to a point i.e. he will now contact me and wants to spend time with me off his own back but we are not moving forward. More to the point I am not moving forward. I have realised that I am worth so much more.
Jody said to me a while ago to tell him that 'I realise he is very busy but I will not be last on his to-do list. When he is ready I will be waiting.' And I have never been able to do that. It would make me feel really crap to say 'I will be waiting' maybe because I am so cross with myself that I still am.
I don't know what to do, carry on as I have been and keep in this limbo or cut him off, or is there another option? I think ultimately I know that this would be the best thing for me but how to go about doing it. I am terrible at cutting people off.
I feel stuck. Everytime he sees me I can tell there is attraction there and he has a great time and enjoys spending time with me however he then blocks it, I would hazard a strong guess because of ow. I have no idea how to make him pursue me in this kind of situation - which is what I would really like to happen. When I see him I am spurred onto keep pursuing meetings and being receptive and ultimately not forgetting about him and putting him behind me as I should be doing.
I am tired. All I get is half-arsed responses. 'I hope you are ok', 'I hope Maple is ok', letting me know via text or email what is going on in his life but never mentioning ow - cop out. Buying me presents but never actually giving me them. It has been nearly two years; I am so disgusted with myself that it has been this long.
I got a text from him this morning
'Hiya, just thought I'd drop you a line to say hello. Had a really nice time in America, saw lots of BMF which was good and he has a new girlfriend who is nice, they seem very into each other. Saw Westside Story on Broadway which was amazing! Shame to be back but getting on with my new job now. Hope you're ok and Maple is doing alright. H.'
What am I supposed to say to that? And what is with signing his name on a text message? I just thought, why is this person in my life. The answer - because I let him.
I'm so cross at my thoughts because I think 'I'll file for divorce' then my next thought is 'ooohhh I wonder if that'll be the thing to bring him back?' And that is my problem. My head says I don't want this person back but my heart says otherwise.
I want to move forward but I don't know how. I can't have him being like this. Either he makes a proper effort or he leaves my life. I’m very, very bad at being tough. How do I do this?
I think you just said it yourself..."Either he makes a proper effort or he leaves my life". It is time to tell him just that. It is difficult at best to try to be friends with your H when he is being a arse, let alone when he is living with another woman while you are still married. You can't really be his friend when he is disrespecting you and your marriage.
No I wouldn't file just to see if that "works". File when you are ready to really let go. You have so much to move forward for but probably can't see that because you have a huge picture of H in your face. Only you will know when the time is right and I know it isn't easy but it is the right thing to do.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It's hard, isn't it? Letting go of that last thread of the rope. I think it finally happens when you can say that you are really going to be ok either way. Then you can set him free, to come back, or to go, and you'll be ok with it.
I've been starting to wonder whether he was ever the person you thought he was? Is the ugly yob who he is, and he was just acting to be with you? Or is the ugly yob the act? I'm really wondering now. I don't know the answer, but I know you're not much interested in the ugly yob!
I think as far as the text goes, don't respond. In fact, don't respond to anything. Go darker than dark. Find out if he is ready to put any energy into things. Make him work just to see you, or even talk to you. Either he will realize that he is missing out on a relationship with a great woman, or you will realized that he's just not worth it.
Once you can really finish dropping the rope, you can file. Maybe, just maybe, that triggers something for him. But you need to be ok if it doesn't. In fact, I think you want to be to the point where he would have to convince you it wasn't what you want to do. You don't seem to be there yet, but I think you are getting closer every day.
Hi JCJ. You asked me to give me feedback on your situation so here I am....
Here is what I really believe...
For some reason I have found women that I give advice to just have a hard time either believing or feeling or understanding that the things I recommend DO WORK on men.
I am a man. I have talked to hundreds of men. I have observed other men and work, at play, in leisure, when serious. All observations and talk and discussion regarding women.
This is what I have found and discovered. It isn't what I HOPE is the truth, and reality and facts about men, but what I have observed to be true about the reality and facts of what works best for a woman to pull a man toward her instead of away from her....
First.. If he acts and behaves in ways that shows he doesn't want to be with you or in ways that don't show respect to you....
REJECT HIM. Not in a mean way. It is done in a way of quiet confidence and self respect. You are NOT available to him on his whims anymore. Matter of fact, you are not available to him at all...
How is this done?
The woman HAS (imperative) to be very busy with other things in her life. Constantly on the run (what HE needs to be thinking is that you are, even if you are sitting home now and then)...
has OTHER MEN THAT WANT HER AND ARE INTERESTED IN HER...
I don't apologize for this. WHY? Because it is a fact... Just accept it as a fact and the reality. Quit fighting this fact like so many other women do and GO WITH IT.. When you go with the reality and the facts of it instead of fighting constantly against it, then you will suddenly notice a change.
IN HIM AND IN YOU...
Most women on here aren't or won't even allow themselves the opportunity to be open to these things. "If I have to make him jealous to get him to pay attention to me or want me back, then I don't want him" ?????????
What kind of nonsense is that? It is OK for you to want him when he has another woman though huh?
This is silly of you to be making such a tragic error in your logic....
If you wanted to repair your car and the mechanic told you that he needed a special tool to do the work the fastest and with the best results, would you tell him "NO don't use that tool. I want you to use a wrench."
He says.."that wrench probably won't work. I have been trying to repair it with that wrench, but it just isn't working."
You say.. " Others told me that you should use a wrench. I don't care what you say and I am paying you for this, so keep using the wrench. If I have to use a special tool to get this car repaired and it isn't a wrench, then I don't want the car"....
The mechanic is dumbfounded.....
Same situation here..
You keep trying to use a wrench and you need a special tool...
JEALOUSY and COMPETITION is your tool. Competition that your WS FEELS... The threat of having lost you FOR GOOD..
The wrench that you are using is "if I just hang in there and show him how much I love him, if I just treat him nice enough, if I just show him how wrong I have been and what a bad wife I have been and allow him to keep seeing this OW, maybe he will see the error of his ways or maybe the affair will die and he will come running back to me."
(Why is it ok for him to come back in those instances and not ok if moving on without him and he gets jealous and comes back?)
Your answer...
STOP trying. Let him SEE, feel and think you have had a huge awakening.. Suddenly your interest in gone. Suddenly when he calls you, you are too busy to talk and are just running out the door.. (again he thinks??? has she found someone else?.. no, not JCJ.. she still wants me..) back and forth his wheels start turning in his head.
You keep this up.. Suddenly he isn't so sure about you... He finds out that YOU (yes YOU) had the audacity to go out or go to lunch with or socially interact with another.. MAN?????
That is my take. It is no big secret on this site.
Go back and read RedSoxFan and his thread. His reaction to when his wife started to see someone else. Observe how he acted when SHE kept trying to get him to come back and observe his action and attitude NOW... Nothing worked for her EXCEPT quitting and trying AND going out with someone else..
That situation and what happened are not unusual. Most of the men on here are here because the woman STOPPED trying and changed her attitude AND had someone else in their life...
So, you can deny those realities and facts and observations and keep using your wrench. Or you can accept that "Yes, it does seem to be that way doesn't it?" (the special tool) and go with the reality...
Good luck..
You will also find that when you choose to let go and act differently that you will find a strength, better self esteem and a new resolve about YOU. Suddenly you realize that yes, you are right Gucci, I don't need to allow this. I do deserve better and I WILL....
I am reading in your sitch exactly how I feel. I think maybe I am just a little further on.
I have to admit, taking control of my own life, and starting to move forward has been fantastic. It doesn't diminish what I feel for my stbx, and although I don't really want him back, I do still love him.
Sometimes it is just moving forward. You never know...you may find that when you start getting out of this rut, you won't want him back. Or you will, but on different terms. Either way, gaining control back of your own life is very freeing.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I know it's a few months in the future, but I wonder if your big trip will help things become clearer--having that much distance from the situation and seeing so many other options in front of you. I know when I spent a while in asia, it was a lot easier for me to let go of things I had been clinging to that weren't helping me anymore when I got back. In fact, it put me in a place where it was like I HAD to let go of those things in order to survive. But it came very gently--I wasn't even trying to solve or address those issues when I was gone. Just like, once I was in a different situation in Asia, the thought of going back to certain parts of my old life in the US became intolerable. So I made a bunch of big bold decisions when I returned. It might happen to you too! But I'm not sure you want to wait until you get back to make big changes.
I feel for you - and I drank in every word of advice that you got from Gucci - and related! Why would we not follow the words of one who has studied the martians and knows them so well, even in his own make-up??
I do think that you need to go dark - darker than dark - and see if that flushes H out .. if yob guy appears instead, then you may well have an answer.
You sound tired but reflective. Get some rest, reflect some more. Can you try darkness for a while?
((hugs))
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I'm so cross at my thoughts because I think 'I'll file for divorce' then my next thought is 'ooohhh I wonder if that'll be the thing to bring him back?' And that is my problem. My head says I don't want this person back but my heart says otherwise.
You totally, succinctly put into words what I am struggling with. My H has been using me as a push me/pull me toy for so long and I am finally getting fed up; but when I think of just giving up and filing, I think exactly that 'maybe THEN he'll pull his head out of his butt'. What Gucci writes makes SO much sense. I read it and felt like I was getting a much needed drink of water after 2 years in the desert. And yet.... It doesn't feel as easy as it sounds.
Don't feel too badly for sticking it out for two years; I'm in the same boat. We've lived apart for 2 years and we aren't any closer to reconciling than a year ago..or 18 months ago..or....
I'll be following your story with much interest.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I understand what Gucci says but I'm just wondering if there is nc between us how will H even know what I am doing? H hasn't been in touch and at this stage I think it is highly unlikely unless I make contact first. So would he suggest I make contact and in the conversation say I am done and I've moved on?
