UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi everyone and thanks for checking in on me - I certainly felt like checking out yesterday - and that's no joke. I got an email from a friend and a phone call from another friend back home but of course, nothing from H. It was tough. I went to bed really early so that I could end the day as quickly as possible. It was so hard not to ring, text or email H - I was just going to write "bet you are proud of yourself today" or just "Happy Anniversary" but I resisted. Instead, I just replayed my Wedding and the Wedding Breakfast over and over in my head - to the exact timings minus the 7 hour time difference. Torturous but I just couldn't stop it.

I still can't cry and, even though I sat and watched all the 9/11 stuff which always sets me off, I remained dry eyed. Why can't I cry - I REALLY need to - it's been 3.5 months now and nothing ...

"What are you going to do about the house payment being overdue? I am not going to pay your portion and would appreciate it if you would take care of your end without me having to tell you. I am not going to allow this to ruin my credit, so if you don't take care of your responsibility then I am going to take other action. If I don't hear back from you by Sunday night,then Monday morning I will contact the creditor (s)" to see what my options are and help them to deal with you directly.

Thanks for this advice Gucci but the payments worked out for this month, afterall. I managed to put in my half (almost!) afterall even though H carried out his threat of only putting in half. As I now have a 3 month contract, it won't be a concern for the next few months either but I take your point.

I will certainly be telling him that I won't carry debts for him but in fairness, that's not what he is currently doing - he has been supporting me so far but he's just upping the ante now and 'forcing' issues to make me uncomfortable. It stinks and I know that he is being coached to force my hand. Well, that may just backfire on him.

I don't know what it is but something tells me that he's forewarned of all my actions. I just wonder if he is a lurker here but then I don't think that he cares enough to do so.

I also think that, whatever I do and whatever DB technique that I try, NOTHING is working with him - I just don't think that he cares anymore - I'm becoming more disillusioned and I am starting to think that this is on M that won't survive - he's so over me and I don't know what to do next.

I'm sick of my folks telling me that I am so strong ... I am not.

Oz - hair cut is this morning and then J is meeting me for coffee.