Your the one that's doing great! I read what you wrote to me, and it sounded like it was coming from one of the experts around here. It was so full of wisdom that you have gained along the way. Thanks so much for the kudos also. I do feel strong right now! A PEACE has come over me. I hope it lasts. When I think of where I was at this time last year, it is so unbelievable how far I feel I've come. I've let him go, and asked GOD to take him. I couldn't change him anyway, but HE could. I stepped back and got out of the way.
Now for you... When are you leaving? You will be fine. Judging from the way you talked to me, YOU are STRONG! Let GOD handle it in HIS way. However it turns out, it is what is supposed to be for now. Keep going through the storm, with your eyes focused on the other side. You will be on my mind. You will be in my prayers.
Please let us know how you are doing. I wished there was some way we could email each other. I mentioned before that it would be awesome to meet up with each other. Some have.
((( BIG HUGS )))
MJ
Just keep in mind how amazing you are, and whoever you are with, is the lucky one!
I just finished packing and took a shower and a deep breath. I just wanted to journal one last time before I left. I am NOT going to make this about him or the act of what is happening to us.
I will, however, stay strong and be conscious of my self worth.
For a long time, this has been one of my battles....and one lesson absolutely LEARNED is that I will not underestimate myself.
As Elenor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." In so many aspects of my life and to so many people I have given this power with a lot of naivety but also to assure myself that I was loved and liked.
Well, that is one thing I will no longer do. I have tried really hard to live that way... these past few months and I will take that practiced work with me this weekend.
I have said a prayer and picked out my outfits. I am going to get this divorce with as much pride as I can muster... I will enjoy whatever I can and try not to obsess over the act of getting a divorce. Yes, its legal now....but, really he has left me almost a year now, if I am honest with myself.
I am strong. I don't need anyone to complete me...to love me...or to even like me...esp anyone who doesn't whole heartedly WANT to. I will do all those things for myself. And I am very lucky.........I have wonderful friends in my life! And I feel more spiritual than I have felt in a long time....I am being true to myself.
And MJ....I really wanted to say thank you to you. It has meant more than you can know, that you kept checking in on me...esp this last 5 weeks or so. I have been so busy at work and wasn't able to really write much...but there are no words to explain how much it meant to me to read your replies. Thank you!
I leave tomorrow morning..... Will keep checking email on iphone and will write whenever I get a chance.
If HE leads you to it, HE will get you through it. I have been looking at it like this... Because of what we have been going through, there must be something really amazing in store for us. Something that is so enormous, that we wouldn't even have thought of. Whether it be with MR. Orchid, or some Mr. Wonderful just waiting in the wings.
Have a good flight. You still have a friend meeting you right? I will be thinking of you, and keeping you in my prayers.
GOD will shower you with his Blessings. You just wait and see!
It's Sunday & just said bye to ex H.... Weird....I think I was just trying so hard to be strong & I worried so much that he was seeing someone weak that now I'm exhausted. I'm glad this weekend is over....he's in such a mid life crisis... It's mind numbing. Weirdly we still managed to enjoy ourselves this weekend!!
I think I'm getting a bit numb.....just naturally not putting any stock or hopes or anything on him... The shock factor is wearing off & I'm getting very detached. Not sure this is a good thing.
The actual D proceeding went ok....the judge was so nice actually & I reaaly felt like he was truly looking out for me. I really appreciated that. After I did some pampering for me .... Got massage & hair cut & really just took that time to regroup. Had met up with some girlfriends on thursday night & so that helped get me thru the D hearing!!!
Anyways, as things stand, only God knows where we are headed. Obviously my hopes to salvage this R are Vanquished! ExH still thinks we will make it, blah blah blah. How? I asked. And he says " I don't know, but we will figure it out.". PLEASE. Otherwise, I'm ok ...just waiting to board my flight.
Thank you MJ & mnt_dreams.......ur support is a priceless gift. Can't wait to get back to a real computer instead of my iPhone. And back to my world...which I have just begun creating....I am thinking of finding a yoga or aerobics class 3x week when I get back.....I have lost weight & am looking good, but I have lost a lot of energy during this last few months. I need to gain muscle... So that's the plan. I'm scared to go back & have Monday off. What if I start obsessing over this entire thing. I know I have lost him & I accept that....but I don't want to keep thinking about it...know what I mean????
So that is whete I am at mentally...I think OK considering....
It must be a relief to have all this behind you now. Sad that this has to happen to anyone. I would think that him wanting to start over again would break your fall just a little. Sounded like this is what he needed to clear the air. Now it's your choice whether you want to participate or not. In my case, H has ow that he seems to be madly in love with. He wants out so he can be with her. I've tried, but as each day goes by, I'm coming to realize I can't compete with someone who is fifteen years younger than me. It's sad, because she wants what he can give her.
Remember not to look back. That's why GOD put eyes on the front of your head!
Tomorrow go find the Yoga or exercise class you were talking about.
HA!! I love that..."why God put eyes on the front...." That's awesome!
But, yes, it is a relief that the divorce hearing is over. I feel like its been this elephant hanging over my head. Well, I survived and thank God! And yes, I think its what he needed to clear the air...still not sure WHY. I mean, WHY can WE only move on with our R or WORK on our R, ONLY if we get a D!!! AHHH! Its gonna be something that I am going to have a hard time understanding and working thru, I think. But, I do feel more in control of "this" R. I am being honest...not giving in, like I usually have, as he has a strong personality. What I am discovering is that I, too, have a strong personality! I usually have backed off - not out of weakness, but after weighing the importance of it. I feel a bit misunderstood.
It is so funny, bc he wants to pay for my trip to Milwaukee as he is the one that filed and I have like 4 times less of a salary than he does. OBVIOUSLY, I disagreed and did not accept. What I found interesting is that it came up 4 times during our 3.5 days together. UNREAL! He just kept bringing it up, thinking I would eventually cave! Its irritating that subconsciously he thinks I'm that EASY! I'm totally NOT! To me, if something was that important to him and I was able to give him what he wanted, I did...Isn't that what marriage or even friendship, for that matter, is?
Anyways, he texted me today saying that "You looked soooo good this weekend. Damm!" Nice....but, not putting much stock into anything. Who knows where he is at. One thing he did tell me that I took very seriously is that "I feel confused. I don't know if I DONT want to be with you and I don't know if I DO." He told me he loved me several times...don't know what that was about as I have not said that to him since he gave me the papers.
I always think people say those words too easily and not with enough thought. When I say that, I mean it...for life! Its a commitment you are making....SIGH!
Who knows, its just so much more uncertainty...but, one thing I do know...with or without him, I continue to believe that I will be ok. I am lonely though. Its crazy going from 2 to 1....about the one thought that makes me want to cry. I like people and I never planned to be this alone....I don't have kids and looks like I won't be getting to that myself. I'm 35 now...there is a time frame here I am working against....its annoying but the truth.
Anyways, I'm just rambling. I didn't get around to finding a yoga class....I got so wrapped up in getting ready for work...laundry, grocery shopping, etc... one day off just does not seem like enough. My next day off is Sunday. So, still a 5 day week! I hope this week goes well.
