Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[MrBond]

Well a number of positive things happened in your sitch. You gave him space, listened and didn't enable his behavior.

He's going to keep doing what he wants to do until he's in so big of a hole that he's going to have no choice but to confront his issues rather than running away.

Keep doing what you're doing...taking care of yourself and your kids. And let him sort out his own problems.

[ALJ]

Thanks for the advice and kind words stuck.

I have always been the saviour in our relationship. If H was in a bind or needed some problem solved, I was there to take care of it. I managed the bills, kids, shopping, and household duties and H had plenty of space to do as he pleased.

Now, he has walked away and things are not working out as he planned. He has no health insurance and can't afford to get any. He definitely needs it with his health problems (diabetes, high blood pressure) but there is nothing that I can do about it and he says that is the least of his worries. I was the one who refilled his prescriptions and mailed them to him. After the pills run out, he will not be able to get more unless he finds a free clinic where he lives.

Most of his bills go to his new address so I don't know when they are due and cannot pay them. He won't even ask how he can pay them online himself like I used to. He only pays his car note and then tells me when his cell phone bill is due so I can make arrangements.

I am going to back away from always wanting to help him when he gets in bind. I have to let go and let him realize that I am not the main source of his "unhappiness".

[ALJ]

Well, It will be five months on October 1st that my H became a WAH and moved out of state. Sadly, October 2 will be our 10 year wedding anniversary. We should be celebrating that milestone of a decade of marriage together but unfortunately that wont be happening. I don't know if I should acknowledge the day or not. He probably wont. Then on October 6 is my birthday. I might go out to dinner with my girls and other family members, maybe a movie.

I have started school and so far so good. The medical terms class is challenging and fun at the same time. The weather has turned chilly here and soon enough winter will be here. Months with limited sun can take a toll on my mood. The holidays are coming and I need to stay upbeat for my girls. They are still getting used to H not being around. He will probably come stay with us for a week during Christmas.

I still find myself thinking about all the signs that our marriage was failing over the years and that he was checking out emotionally. My sitch has not changed really. H calls us every two or three days. I am cordial and I ask how he is doing. He doesn't return the sentiment. We share a few laughs about the kids but never any relationship talk. Most of the time he goes silent in between conversations. I just recently got a facebook. He has had one for awhile and I do go on there everyday to see who he is friends with. Mostly women. His profile is private and I am not one of his friends so I can't see his profile and he can't see mine. I have not requested to be friends with him either (this would probably be considered as pursuing.) Anyways, he must have typed in my name or e-mail to see if I had a facebook and when he saw that I did, he sent me a message containing a funny and scary video off of YouTube. When I acknowledged the video he sent me (in a playful way) he went totally silent. Didn't say "glad you like it" or "it was scary, wasn't it?". Nothing. I just moved on to another topic. If he didnt want me to mention it, why did he send it? Doesn't make sense to me but none of this does.

Every time that H comes to visit, he uses my laptop (a x-mas gift that he gave me in 2007) And every time that he leaves, I check my computer history. The last two times after he left, I checked it and he just looked at his e-mail and facebook. This time, he erased the history before he left. I somehow managed to retrieve part of the history anyways and saw where he looked at facebook friends (girls) and then a video on youtube of a girl with see thru pants on, shaking her rump to a song. Whatever. I guess he doesn't want me to know that he looks at that kind of stuff but I know he does (H is a butt man.) Still, that is not an excuse and if he wants to look at that stuff then watch it on his own computer at his house. Not mine. If he wanted to look at a nice booty while he was here, he should have looked at mine. I didn't mention it to him. Wondering if I should if he does it again next time when he visits.

Other than that, I am still on the limbo train headed to nowhere at this particular time.

[ALJ]

Today was a fun day. I took the girls to a nice roller rink and they had a blast. At first they started off holding on to the side of the wall, skating around the rink. By the end of the night they were skating along with everyone else. I didn't get a chance to skate because the littlest one didn't want to. Oh well, I really enjoyed watching them have fun.

H also texted me this afternoon. He wanted to know if I could help him out with some money. He needed the other half of his rent for his apartment. He said he has been filling out job applications and hopefully someone will hire him. He is also waiting on a record label to get back with him regarding some songs they were interested in.

I don't mind helping him out. His unemployment money still goes into our joint bank account. But I wish he would feel more comfortable talking to me in general and not just when it comes to the kids, finances, and him needing money. I could just say "forget you, you were the one who left us and moved away to another state and now you need help?" But I am not that kind of person. I still love him and I'm treating him like a friend would.

[ALJ]

Anyone have any ideas on how to acknowledge our 10th anniversary on tomorrow? I was thinking about sending a text message. It is not a happy anniversary so I don't want to say "Happy Anniversary"
Another option would be not to send anything at all.

[ALJ]

Well, I have decided not to acknowledge our anniversary and I am sure h won't either. I will spend the day with my girls and then go to church in the evening. I did get a chance to see H facebook page today. My cousin is on his friends list and she can view his page anytime. From what I saw, it looks like he is looking for female companionship. For his relationship status he has "Its complicated" and that he is interested in "women". I looked thru his pictures and didnt really see anything incriminating.

I looked at his page because I really wanted to see what was going on with him. I have no access to his phone or e-mail so facebook was the only option to get information about another woman, if there is one. I don't think he is having an PA but he might be having an EA which can lead to a PA. I am thinking that maybe he wants to see if he can start a relationship with someone else and if it doesn't work out then he will want to work on the marriage and us. Or maybe he is really gone from our marriage for good. Who knows? Everything is so confusing and contradictory in my mind and I have to figure out what it is that I want. I am certainly not going to file papers or anything like that but how long am I willing to wait for this madness to end?

[ALJ]

I have been without my beloved laptop for over a month and I am so glad to have it back. It needed major repairs. The hard drive, motherboard, and battery were all replaced. Thank God for warranties. Unfortunately, I lost all saved information that I had in files but none of it was too important anyways. Oh well.

My H just left yesterday for home after visiting for 5 days. His attitude was much better than when he visited the last time. He did not act cold or distant toward me. We laughed and joked with each other. He seemed to want to engage in conversation more with me. No R talk though. He talked about some new ideas for his business and about how it is living down south. We did not go anywhere fun together. He mostly spent time with the girls and he went to visit his family that he had not seen in a while.

H is still acting like a stranger when it comes to not dressing or undressing in front of me. Every since he moved out, he has been ringing the door bell and not using his key. I am wondering if I should just ask him to give to the key back me. Also, he still sleeps on the floor in my room at the foot of my bed. I don't know why he just doesn't sleep on the couch. My guess is that he does not want the kids questioning him about sleeping on the couch.

I did have one setback regarding him sleeping in my room. I made the mistake of asking him to give my shoulders a massage and he agreed but he told me that I would have to come on the floor where he was in order to get it. He avoids my bed like the plague. I agreed and my hormones got the best of me.(we have not been intimate since June) We had sex but before we did, he made it clear that he was not forcing me and it was up to me if I wanted to or not. Like he did not care one way or the other. He just kept saying "do what you want" when I asked him if I should just get back in my bed and leave him alone. I guess he was letting me know that it is what it is and what it is, is just sex and he has no emotional connection to me. Well, I felt hurt afterward. I felt like I wanted to cry. I felt kind of used. But how can I if he did not initiate the act and I pursued him first. Then I became angry with myself for having sex with him and said that I will not pursue him like that again.

To add fuel to the fire, I get the mail later that day after H had left and one of his credit card bills was in the pile. This should not be because H had his mail forwarded to his new address. I opened it up and saw various charges but the one that caught my eye was one for The Olive Garden Restaurant. Immediately my mind started to wander. The charge was for $44. Sounds like an amount that two people would spend on a date. I got the impression that H is looking to date someone after snooping on his facebook page a month ago.(I have stopped looking at his facebook page and myspace page. It was not helping me)
I became even angrier after seeing that charge because 1. I think he went on a date (which may not be true) and 2. He is has no money right now to even pay his bills but he is willing to spend money to eat at The Olive Garden Restaurant for whatever reason. Should I confront him about the charge on the bill or just mail the statement to him and not say a word about it?

H seems comfortable with just visiting the kids every 5 to 6 weeks.(I am pretty sure he misses them) He is living the bachelor life and I am the single parent. Divorce has never come up.(which I dont want anyways) We have been separated for 6 months now. We live 13 hours away from each other so it seems hard to set up boundaries as he doesnt live close enough to cross them. My patience is getting the best of me. Is there any hope for us? Should I just resign myself to the fact that H is really done with the marriage.

Meanwhile, I have been in school for 2 months now and it has been fun. The coding course that I started yesterday is intense but I look forward to learning all I can to pass my certification test. The girls and I cant wait for the holidays so we can decorate the house and create memories that I hope they will remember.
Any thoughts or comments are welcome.

[ALJ]

Today was a busy day. I took my three girls to their dentist appointment and then we had lunch at Burger King. Then we went home and finished up the older girls homework. They really love school and I hope they keep that attitude as they get older. Later in the evening the girls went to their hair appointment and I had some me time. I went to Wal-Mart (I could spend all day in that store) and went to see a girl friend whom I had not seen in some time.

The holidays are coming up and I have been thinking about how my H probably will be here at the house with us but it just won't be the same. I will just have to make the best of it and keep my emotions in check. I think I did a pretty good job of it last week when he was in town except for my major backslide. I don't plan to let that happen again.

I still think about him constantly but not as much as right after the bomb and I am trying to walk that fine line of how I should communicate with him. Unfortunately, I do get a little sad inside when I hear about my friends being in love and talking about spending the upcoming holidays with their spouses.
Why is it so hard for me to realize that I do have a lot to offer to that special someone that God has for me whether it be my WAH or not? Yep, its getting to be that time of year.

[Lll54]

I feel ya. I'm petrified of the holidays. I tremble when I think about it. We are in a good place as well, where my H will probably be here too, but then again its practically 2 months away. Who knows what will happen by then. Take one day at a time, and keep doing what you're doing. Only time will tell.

[ALJ]

I had a very fun weekend. On Saturday the girls and I, along with a friend and her kids drove 1 and a half hours to Rochester, NY to the Strong National Museum of Play. The kids had a ball as there is so much to explore and interact with. You need to spend all day at this place in order to play with all of the toys and participate in all of the activities that they have for children, as well as adults.

As for me, I am moving along in my everyday, busy life. Being a single parent is not easy but with the strength that God gives me, I am able to face each day as it comes and do the best that I can for the sake of my daughters. They are growing up right before my eyes and I wonder sometimes if my WAH realizes what he is missing out on by not seeing them on a regular basis.


Speaking of my H, He is back to his distant, withdrawn, and alien-like ways. This has been evident in his phone conversations with me(if thats what you want to call it) every since he went back home. When the kids called him on yesterday, all that they could talk about was their trip to the museum and what fun they had. Then when I get on the phone with him, he acts like he had no idea what they were talking about. The conversation went like this:

H: What are they talking about?

M: We went to the Strong Museum.

H: Where is that? (H contracted amnesia when he walked away. He knows darn well
where the Strong Museum is)

M: In Rochester.

H: (pause) You. You drove to Rochester? (like he couldnt believe it.)

M: Sure. Why not? I have always wanted to go the Strong Museum. The kids wanted to go also. It was a good idea.

H: (voice indicating a bit of an attitude) It just doesn't sound like something that you would do.

I just moved on in the conversation without responding to his last comment. I have to admit, driving to Rochester is something that I probably would not have done before the bomb but hey I guess its what we like to call GAL and taking my mind of my situation and having fun.

Unfortunately, talking to him is like pulling teeth sometimes. He really has no conversation and I don't even know why I try to get him to talk. Its not like he is being inquisitive about my well-being or what is going on in my life. Communication was a big problem in our M and I have been trying to change his perception of me not being a good communicator. I just need to come to grips with him not really caring about how I communicate with him because in his mind, he is done.

When he was here visiting the kids a week ago, he was pleasant to be around, laughing, joking, talking to me about different subjects like he used to. He even suggested I drive his car to go to the store. Since he got his new car, he seemed leary when I asked to drive it the first time that I saw it. I thought his actions were a step in the right direction but I guess I am experiencing what DB calls "the pullback"

I am finding it hard to find that thin line where I can communicate with him and not make it seem like I am pursuing him. I asked for his feedback on the planning of our two year olds birthday party in December. I didnt want to leave him out as he lives so far away but will be here for the party.  He texted me that he is thinking about my suggestions for the party and will let me know something. He has not mentioned anything else about it even though he had the opportunity to when I was on the phone with him yesterday. I just cannot figure him out and I think I would go crazy if I tried.