Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[ALJ]

I really would like to change the name of my thread from Newly Separated and Heartbroken, as this is no longer true. H and I have been physically separated for over 4 months now and my heart is in the process of healing.

H arrived on Saturday morning and kids were overjoyed to see him. He talked to them for a bit and made small talk with me about his trip. He fell asleep on the couch and the kids and I went to their cousins(H's nephew) birthday party. H showed up at the party and everyone was happy to see him(no one knew he was in town) and he pretty much avoided me. After a short stay, H left and the kids and I went home after the party. After the kids went to bed, we watched t.v till 2am, no real conversation going on.

Next day I go to church and leave the kids with him. When I get home, kids are outside playing and H is sitting on the porch. He isnt actively playing with them or interacting with them like I think he should be. I just go in the house and try to figure out what to fix for dinner. I need to go to the store and by that time husband is on the phone with a business matter and I tell H i will be back, the kids go along with me. I get back and H is on the couch. I start dinner and the kids play video games. H does not participate. It seems like he has long stretches of silence and then he will snap out of it and laugh along with the kids as they show him how good they can play MarioKart and then silence again. We eat, kids go to bed, and we stay up till 2am watching t.v joking with each other, again, no real convo.

Labor day comes and I ask H if he has plans. He said he had invites to different friends houses but didnt know what he was doing that day. We wind up spending most of the day apart. Me and the kids at my grandmothers house and I dont know where he went. H wont go near my family too much. He is cordial but will not go around to say hi to them when he is in town. They know about the sitch and I guess he feels guilty being around them. Who knows. By the time H gets in, the kids are in bed. I dont ask where hes been. He doesnt offer any info either.

On Tuesday, the kids left for a hair appt and its just me and him. I ask H if he wants to go to the mall with me so I can finish school shopping. He reluctantly agrees. I should have went by myself. H is mostly quiet in the car and in the mall. It was like he did not want to be near me, lagging behind me while walking thru stores. I would ask his opinion on outfits and barely get a response. I was getting fed up and said " you didn't have to come if you didn't want to." I dont think he said anything in response.

When we get home H makes a remark out of the blue "I am in a big hole now" I ask what he means and he proceeds to tell me that his partner that moved out of town with him had left him and moved back up here about 3 weeks ago. H says he had been supporting this guy by paying the bills in the apt and buying food, etc. The partner thought that the business that they were working on together would take off overnite and did not try to get a job to help out with bills. There was a big argument and the guy just up and left saying he would be back after 5 months of making money at his old job. My H says he cant come back. So now my H is almost broke and what little money he gets goes into our joint checking account and he doesn't want to use that money. He's going to have to get job sooner or later.

I guess this change of events had something to do with his attitude during his visit but I now see that my h has some communication problems along with other issues. I think he needs counseling, something he refuses to do. I, for one, am slowly starting to detach from him. Sometimes I feel like, why do I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me? I do love him and dont want to give up without trying.

During this visit there were glimpses of the old playful H every now and then, but for the most part, he was quiet and detached. He slept on the floor at the foot of my bed every nite. This did not bother me as much as it did the last time when he came to visit. I asked him the last visit why he wanted to sleep on the floor and not in the bed and he told me that it would signify to me that things were "normal" between us and it is not. We have not been intimate since June.

I am slowly starting to detach from him. I read somewhere on this board that there is usually another person involved when a spouse walks away. I am beginning to believe this. Any advice is welcomed.