When I make it through this I'm going to be very proud of myself
I get what I need to do from a theory perspective. Very clear. Check.
I'm already doing a good job of GAL and mostly on 180. I've mostly kept cool front, haven't groveled, been firm on my position, boundaries, etc. Check. Did unleash some hurtful blame things this week but hey, noone's perfect.
So my assumption is that I just keep on keepin on until something changes on W's end that signals me to get deeper into my script.
The one thing that I'm not so sure about is the issue with D. A month or more back I asked W to hold off on moving forward with Disillusion and she agreed if I would stop hassling her about seeing OM. Looking back, this is the one move that I'm not sure about. In hind-sight it may not have been the right move. But that's where I am now. Should I leave well enough alone or is this working against me? It has come up once or twice since our agreement. She reintroduced it when she was angry and both times I just stepped aside and ignored it and that was the end. What's the best way to handle?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Just because you had the original affair doesn't mean that you have to allow her to have one does it?
Drop all pursuit and pressure. Let her think that you too have given up. Nothing wrong with you saying you won't share her with another man.
It should be kind of like a shoulder shrug attitude with her...
Oh well, I did try and I did apologize and I did try to make things right, but I can't and I WON'T force her to love me or stay with me anymore than she could force me... Maybe it is over between us... Then kind of like turning around and walking the other way and not looking back...
That would be my approach....... Who knows. Maybe once she really has this guy without you in the backround he won't be looking like Cary Grant and Clint Eastwood all rolled into one person...
Then I would do what I want when I want and how I want with whomever I want...
I have to chime in here.... I guess I'm going to defend her.... Seriously, what could RSF possibly say to her and actually be standing on solid ground about her "affair"? I have to believe this is not an affair to her. This is a relationship post her marriage breaking up because HE LEFT HER.
I have to chime in here.... I guess I'm going to defend her.... Seriously, what could RSF possibly say to her and actually be standing on solid ground about her "affair"? I have to believe this is not an affair to her. This is a relationship post her marriage breaking up because HE LEFT HER.
Stronger, I get what you're saying and I am trying as hard as I can to assume responsibility for what I have done. For the most part I feel that I'm assuming 100% responsibility when in reality it was a joint venture that got W and I to the terrible place we were in just before I left.
I'm just trying to get a plan. I'm trying to figure out how to use DBing techniques to save my marriage. It is confusing, because we are still married and that means something to me. I also get that I told her I was finished and that meant something to her.
I guess I need something to hang my hat on here.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm also new on here too and the DBusting techniques so just hang in there. I'm sure you will get some positive responses on how to handle things. Remember also, the first relationship when a marriage is in trouble hardly ever lasts. Rebound.
Can you please hop on over to my thread? D got a letter from H.
I've said this before, can't remember where or when, but timing is a part of DBing.
Right now, you go and tell her "I won't share my wife with another man" one of two things will happen. She'll laugh and just continue with her relationship and explain to you the gaul you have. Or she'll say You're right, and file.
You have no cards when it comes to forcing this relationship to end. Some people here do. Some don't, some are getting there and etc.
If I had told my H in January "I'm not sharing you with anyone" he would have just laughed and would have said "I'm really not your H anymore" and he may have filed if I tried to push him to end that crap, but for sure, he would have continued that relationship regardless of me and my feelings. I had no cards in January. Over the months there have been bumps and bruises and dips and turns and everything you can think of. But now, I do have some cards and if and when I need to play them I will.
Do you understand?
Yes, you both got you both to this place. The difference is this: Seemingly at this point, she doesn't care. She is ready to sign, so you have no choice but to file or wait and see what happens. In her mind, like my H in January, you are not married.
Seriously, what could RSF possibly say to her and actually be standing on solid ground about her "affair"? I have to believe this is not an affair to her. This is a relationship post her marriage breaking up because HE LEFT HER.
I thought I told him what he could possibly say...???
"WS, I realize that I screwed up. I have tried to show you that I know I made big mistakes and screwed things up maybe past the point of no return."
"I have now realized how you must have felt, and I too now know that I can't make you love me any more than you could make me love you. It must be out of free choice."
"I have decided that I am not going to share my wife with another man. I have been doing some thinking and realize it could never work out unless we both choose each other."
"I will be filing for divorce so that we are free of each other except for the kids. Maybe this is for the best".......
Then he does exactly that. Turns and walks the other way... and LEAVES her alone. No more pursuit after that point. She knows he is sorry. They do have a history together.. Will she risk the history if she thinks RSF is serious? I guess we would find out, wouldn't we?
IF... IF she says.. "It was your fault because you told me that you didn't love me"
His answer is..."I know. you are right, it is my fault. I understand and don't blame you. That is why I am moving the divorce forward. It can't work with us doing these things to each other..."
No matter how she attacks he stands pat on that type of answer...
AGREE, apologize sincerely, and tell her you are moving forward.....
What he is now doing is NOT working. Why wait around on things that don't work?
Absolutely, he can say all of that. But he needs to be prepared for her response of "Thank you, yes please file. This is done."
Do you really think he's ready for that answer?
What if he's not supposed to do anything? What if he's supposed to wait this out for another 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months and she comes home and says "I did break up with OM, but that doesn't mean I want to reconcile, but I think it would be nice to do more things as a family if you are up for it." Would that not be worth the wait?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
