I'm having a crappy moment. I've been busy at work but things started to slow down. Now I just realized it's 9/11 today and it also clicked in my head it has been over a year since she gave up on our marriage. I know she exchanged pictures with a guy in Sept that she met on the internet and had a physical affair that started on Nov 7th last year. That means she emotionally walked away for more than a year now and physically walked away for almost 5 months
It hurts to think about it and I know I need to stop thinking about these type of things. It should make me mad knowing how cruel and aweful she has been but I am just really down.
I will see my boys in about 3 hours so that is something to look forward to
This is real crap. I was ok this morning but all this crappy thinking has made me feel alone all of a sudden. I know I'm not as I have my friends and family that will always love and support me and she is just one person. She should mean nothing to me now I know the truth. so why doesn't she?!?!
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Who told you all this crap?
Why should she be meaningless now? I guess I sort of understand....really, you WANT her to be meaningless to you.
But, if she meant nothing to you now, you and I wouldn't be friends. You would be to me a crappy person who is emotionally challenged and borderline cruel.
The truth of the matter is she that she is not "just one person". You chose her to be your life partner. You trusted her. You made human beings with her. She's big effing deal. All of our spouses are. That's why every single one of us is here. No matter what they've done, what they've said or what the future holds, they matter.
And we would be a bunch of a$$holes if we didn't still give a sh!t.
One day she will be there when the boys graduate. When the boys marry. She'll be with you when you meet your first grandkid. She will be there because it will be her grandchild too.
Because she's always going to be in your life and your future....that's why you are still fighting for your marriage CIPA. You'd rather share those times with her as her husband...not just the "boy's father."
All you have to do now is get ready to see the boys and come up with your best "damn, I'm a hot commodity, you want some of this? yeah you do" demeanor for the party Sunday.
"She should mean nothing to me now I know the truth. so why doesn't she?!?!"
Because she's your W. You didn't cheat on her, she cheated on you. She checked out, you didn't. End of story.
It just shows your human. You're going through the process. We can all tell you to "get over it" blah blah blah, but you have to heal on your own. If it helps to vent on here about it, then get it out. You're not any less of a man to feel angry, then sadness all in the same hour. It's happened to all of us.
Get it out of your system, then move on. You'll know when you've reached that point.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Once I get my apartment situation set up in NY, I am going to find a boxing class as that is something I always wanted to do (I already did Karate and jujitsu). It will be back to working on me, for me and for my boys.
That's great. Boxing will help round out your hands if you have only ever done traditional punching. Judo was one of my GAL activities, but I wasn't enjoying it as much as previous styles. I will be looking for a place to train at again soon also.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Of course it hurts to think about it and I don't think you've had enough time to totally be over your feelings. You "are" working at this very hard and you can't just stop your emotions over-night. I would hope if something happened to me that my H would not get over me in a few months. Okay, so that may not be the same situation, but it is still "love" and "pain" that is mixed together. That is tough stuff to handle. One reason I think you waiver about some things where she's concerned is b/c you haven't made up your mind 100% about a possible chance at a future together.....if she met your requests (such as admitting the A, etc.) If you think that you could desire to be M to her if things changed, then that gives you a better idea of how to handle meetings and emails, etc. The same applies if you make up your mind that there is no way you would ever go back to her no matter how much she changed. Know what I mean? But I don't think this is something you will be positive about for a while. That ole heart tends to have a mind of its own! And, btw, it is easy for me to tell you to forget her & move on.....but this is your life and your heart...and you need to listen to advice but in the end do what you can live with.....always.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I do appreciate everyone support and 2x4's on my latest vent.
It's true. I am still at odds and confused with myself
I know I want the marriage to be healed and to work
Problem is I don't see how that would be possible. I don't see her showing any remorse let alone making any moves to work on us or even appologize. Even if she did I could see I would either drive myself crazy kissing her a$$ so she wouldn't cheat again or she would have to be so perfect that it would make her crazy. Either scenario just won't be goo for either of us or the kids
So I know what I want. I just can't see a path to get there so I'm trying to minimize anymore pain/hurt for me and my boys. Or perhaps I'm being selfish as to minimize it just for me.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
No, you are not being selfish. You just need to rest now b/c when your mind starts going in circles like this, it means you are over-analyzing.
I think what you say about how things would probably be for you with her....is right. Only you know if you could or couldn't deal with the past and let it go in order to have a healthy R with her. That kind of hurt takes a long time......even if she came to you on bended knees and crying her heart out with remorse. You might feel sorry for her at that precise moment simply b/c of her emotional state, but then you would begin to remember all the things she did to hurt you......and as you said......it wouldn't be good. So, you may have to go on with your life with the attitude as if to say, "I wished it could have been different, but it isn't, so I must move on." Sad, isn't it? But even after forgiveness....there has to be healing or it just scabs over and the wound is still there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She sent an email reply which to me seemed frought full of deflections, denials and her typical bs. Stronger offered another perspective where it hinted that she wanted to talk. I didn't see it but after some back and forth I called her and asked her what she wanted to talk about
She started with her typical denials and bs so it didn't start very good. I kept holding the line that I'm not going to listen to any more lies. I will not have any relationship let alone a conversation with someone who is not open, honest and respectful
She kept trying to duck/dodge by changing to blaming me about the past stuff but I kept it in front that none of that excuses/justifies what she had done. Ultimately, she admitted it and then started to say she was sorry and how she never meant to hurt me. She tried to rationalize it to me but I just told her there was no excuse
We then started talking about the trust that has been lost between us and without that we can not have any relationship - coparenting or otherwise
So I told her I don't know where to go from here as I'm still dealing with all the emotions to figure out what I'm going to do. She said that she thinks it would help if we talked about how things have hurt each of us in the past to understand what was going in each others heads to heal and see what kind of trust we can rebuild
I told her that I'm not going to work on any relationship, copareting or otherwise, if there are others involved. She said the guy from Nov dropped out of the picture (I already knew that) as he didn't mean anything.
We did leave it that if she wanted to talk or do something together she should let me know. She said that she felt the same
So it was a 3.5 hour call but it was the discussion we should have had a long time ago
I'm still not sure what I want but I did get annoyed again with her this morning. She called to tell me about a peach festival going on today. I asked if she was telling me because she wanted us to go together or was it an FYI. She said she didn't really think about it to that point. I just cut her short and said thanks for the info and hung up. I know mlthings aren't going to change over nite but these games are pissing me off.......
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
