Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[karen43]

2) I am so ready for a career change, thinking of going back to school. Problem is, I make a great salary and I would need that kind of salary should H ever decide to leave. I am scared to walk away from it for a job that allows more flexibility while I go to school. Truth is, if our M was a good one, I would make a plan and walk away from my job in a second. I am just scared to risk leaving and then being left to raise 2 boys without a secure job with salary and benefits. Or worse, having to fight H for our sons while in that predicament.

It sounds like you really need to work on making yourself happy. I've been living in limbo for the past 1.5 years, and if you work on it, I believe you can be happy whether you are married, single, or inbetween.

Instead of drastic choices, quitting your job and going back to school, esp. in today's economy, could you look into doing maybe one or 2 classes each semester? It would take you twice the time, but in 5 years time you'd still have the degree. Also, would give you a way to dip your toes in and see how school goes. Later on, when your life is calmer and more settled, you could always go full-time at that point and finish up quicker. Plus, most colleges 2 & 4 year ones have most of their classes online which would be good for a working person. Ultimately though you have to make the choice on what will make you happy.

[brownidmom]

Yes, I do need to work on making myself happy. I have been looking into several programs and trying to decide whether or not to get my MFA or get another BA. While MFA makes most sense, it is far more expensive but more importantly, program will mean 2 nights away during the week and Saturdays for next 3 years. I am not willing to give up my time with my boys for that. I did find a good online program but would mean another BA, but would mean I could do it from home. I am leaning towards that.

BTW, this morning, for whatever reason, I kindly lit into H. I don't remember why or how it started, but in a very calm, cool, and collected manner told him that I was still his W and unless he was willing to do something to change that fact then he better get his act together. No yelling, no crying. H's response was as usual, "whatever works for you." Still, I didn't let it set me back one bit for my day, which is progress at least.

[PainfulDusk]

HUgs. Im sorry you're here. I cant really offer any advice, but wanted to let you know you arent alone. I will say that bringing up the past the way your H is doing is abusive. Esp after so much time. GALing is the most important thing you can be doing right now. We all have bad days, Im having one today. But make yourself get out and do something. Go for a walk or bake if thats your thing. Clean out a closet and organize it. All these things help take your mind off your situation, even if for a little bit. Journaling here helps as well.

Dusk

[brownidmom]

So, last evening, last night, and this morning were not good! My H made some comments to me about me not being there for my sons in the future. That enraged me! I went to work this morning just asking God to have someone to tell me what to do.

I decided to call my Dr. and see when I could come in. Lo and behold, they had an opening at 11:30 am, so I called my boss and left.

I had been to see my Dr. about these same issues close to 3 years ago and she put me on anti-anxiety and depression medication at the time. I stayed on them a little over a year. Today, she sat me down and asked me how things were going. I burst out crying and she said to me after listening that you either make the choice to stay and live like this or get an atty. and file for a formal separation. She told me to absolutely not leave my job.

She knows my husband, treated him for a while. She never said anything about him other than that he won't leave, he will just keep chipping away at the essence of me as long as I allow him to.

Now, my question for those of you out there~ do I stay and DB or do I contact a lawyer to file? Not really asking for THE answer, just your thoughts and some of your experiences. I want to do what is ultimately best for me and my boys.

[karen43]

Now, my question for those of you out there~ do I stay and DB or do I contact a lawyer to file? Not really asking for THE answer, just your thoughts and some of your experiences. I want to do what is ultimately best for me and my boys.

You have to answer that, but I will say that going through D is one of the toughest, most stressful experiences. I think you have to be 100% convinced that's your only option if you want to take that route...

I do think even if you live with someone that has abusive tendencies I believe it may be possible to improve the sitch. By being strong, setting up and maintaining boundaries, etc. I don't know if that is your case or not. And at some point, you do have to consider your emotional and mental health.

[givingitmyall]

Now, my question for those of you out there~ do I stay and DB or do I contact a lawyer to file? Not really asking for THE answer, just your thoughts and some of your experiences. I want to do what is ultimately best for me and my boys.

It boils down to what you want. If you feel you have done everything you can to save the M, there may come a time where being M'd is not the best thing. If you have not done everything you can, and you can still handle trying, then keep trying.

Only you can answer this.

[brownidmom]

<<I do think even if you live with someone that has abusive tendencies I believe it may be possible to improve the sitch. By being strong, setting up and maintaining boundaries, etc. I don't know if that is your case or not. And at some point, you do have to consider your emotional and mental health.>> [/quote]

This is what I am hoping for. If I can just start GALing and act as if and ABSOLUTELY have no expectations and no R conversations, I would prefer that. The dealbreaker will be H trying to pull the boys into it, like he did this morning. I cannot tolerate that. I am nowhere near the D thought, possibly legal S if things don't improve.

<<It boils down to what you want. If you feel you have done everything you can to save the M, there may come a time where being M'd is not the best thing. If you have not done everything you can, and you can still handle trying, then keep trying. >>

I do feel like I have done everything I can, just don't think H has allowed himself to open up to the possibility of reconciliation. I am honestly just not able to cope with the daily rollercoaster ride that is my life~ will he talk to me today, will he ignore me???

I ordered the DR book but it was somehow sent to a wrong address and still hasn't made its way back to me. Any advance tips will be appreciated

[givingitmyall]

I noticed you joined the forum recently. How long have you been DB'ing?

Here are some tips that helped me early on:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

[brownidmom]

givingitmyall~ THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to spell all this out for me. I have been doing my best to surmise what all the acronyms really meant in terms of action and I will print out your post and read it over and over until the book gets here.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I actually admitted to myself and others that I have been very unkind to myself, trying to take too much of the guilt on myself and putting on a happy face over and over until I would just finally burst with anger and resentment. I have not been kind to myself, not taking enough time for myself. Not filling my tank so I can be my best for quality time with any of my family.

Baby steps begin today...

Working on homework with both S right now. Going for a walk with them after dinner. Quality time before their bedtime. Just enjoying the moments.

[brownidmom]

So, last night, I took S8 for a walk. S6 was still finishing up homework and H said he couldn't go with us. We went for a very long walk so I got some exercise and spend quality time with S. After listening to him about school and stuff, I told him that I know he has noticed some problems lately. I assured him that I love his father but that things will possibly be changing soon.

S told me that H is sometimes mean to me, even though S knows H loves me. I didn't probe, just listened. S said something is wrong with H for not believing me. (Once, when S8 was 4, H woke up one morning and decided it was time to go. Instead of thinking it through, H told S that very morning that H was leaving because Mommy lied to him. S has never forgotten that day~ Oh, and H had changed his mind by that night, SO MUCH FOR doing the adult thing and saving your kids from all unnecessary adult conversations!) I digress...

I acknowledged last night that yes, I lied to H about something over and over for a very long time, told him that I would not discuss what I lied about, but that I was NOT lying anymore. I questioned saying it but I felt that because he has been holding onto those words for 4 years that he deserved to hear the truth. S said he believed me. I told him that I don't know what is going to happen but to talk to me whenever he has questions. I will answer if appropriate.

S told me that every morning on the way to school, H tells him and other S, "If your mother continues doing this to me, I might leave." I asked him if he has ever responded and he said no.

SO - Is H trying to prepare them for his exit, or is he trying to poison their little minds into believing this is all my fault?!?!

I have decided to make an appt. with a counselor before I decide what to do. Is it possible to salvage this M after almost 7 years of the same old???