Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I used to be a flight attendant and I constantly think about what was done to the crew let alone the rest of the victims. May their souls and families find peace and may we always remember.
(((((rr)))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I've been doing pretty good with the detachment issue recently. Then suddenly tonight I am miserable. I feel sick missing Marky. I was already in that frame of mind and then I did a stupid thing - I read his horoscope. Today & tomorrow it's all new love, new person in your life, you're thinking about a new relationship.. blah blah. How dumb is that? A horoscope and I am a fricking mess. My chest is burning, my eyes are tearing. I wanted to text him right away but that would be too weird to send him something out of the blue at midnight. Took me by surprise how powerful the emotion still is. I just want to curl up and cry. I was supposed to meet friends out but I feel immobilized & depressed. Wasn't just the horoscope, I was already approaching this place. But reading that did smack me down. This is the horoscope that I always thought fit him so well. It was right on during his illness about his crankiness and during our split it was accurate too. I don't want him to meet someone. This is crazy. I am on the verge of a full blown tantrum. I feel like I have a knife in my chest. Is this normal 7 months out? I thought the worst was behind me. I am feeling very alone and pathetic. My friends are blocks away at a party and I am home in tears. The helplessness of it all is just overwhelming. It just seems like there must be something I can do to fix us, but it's not in my control and that's so hard. I know this moment will pass and I will go on. But right now I am wallowing in a pity party of heartbroken agony. I'm under a lot of pressure and the past couple weeks have been very emotional. I'm probably just cracking up a bit from the strain.
Thanks it's a new day! I woke up feeling much better. I think the time is coming that I should put all on the table and go for all or nothing. I either want to know it's going to work out or not so I can fully grieve for the loss & then move on. I feel stuck. I know I'm supposed to be moving on and dbing. Instead I feel frozen. Meanwhile time is marching on while I wait. I am soon going to reach out to him, if he still says no - then I will accept that and let go. I wanted to wait until I had done a good job of gal, but I've been so preoccupied with house hunting that I haven't done much of changes & improvements that are my goals. It's the lack of control that's really getting me down. I need to surrender to that gracefully and trust that what happens is meant to happen for reasons we don't always understand. Today is a new day. I am going to focus on gratefullness for that. And I'm going to look for houses to buy this morning. If this idea pans out, then all the problems I've had with LL & the apt. search will be a dark cloud with a silver lineing indeed. And side note - I'm not sorry I didn't go out. I slept very well and I saved money I'll need if I'm making a downpayment on property. :-)
I go to court to answer to the eviction charge tues. I am getting ready, I will ask for abatement for all out of pocket expenses during the time I've lived here. Mark did quite a bit of repairs when the LL wouldn't so I will need receipts. I texted him this afternoon asking him to call me. Took several hours, but he just called. He'll make them & drop them on or b4 Tues. a.m. I asked if he would look at the house that I'm thinking to buy. I thought he'd be ever so impressed that I'm thinking on this track now and that he'd really enjoy "helping me" determine if the house is solid. But he said, it's your house, you have to decide if it's what you want. I was a bit shocked. We talked about buying for our entire 4 yrs together, I thought he'd be excited and impressed. He was very blase about it so I just blew it off and told him not to bother it's not really necessary. Silly me, I thought it would make him wish we were doing it together and that it would somehow help. I asked how he's doing and he said he's pretty much just working a lot like always. Trying to do what he can in his little time off, otherwise he's the same. He said after this project concludes that he's moving for a time to the caribbean where he has been given a great opportunity for investment there. I was very surprised. When we were together I tried to encourage him to think about that cuz I wanted to retire there w/ him one day. I wanted him to build me a world class spa that I would manage and tourists would travel esp. to stay at our beautiful spa/resort. That was my retirement fantasy. I don't know what he's got planned but that news stings cuz I'm not involved in the thing I bugged him to think about! He's from the islands, and his Dad left a lot of land that's just sitting there in paradise waiting for "our" huge estate home to be built on it. Whenever I talked about that type of future plan for us, he would say someday he may think about returning, but not anytime soon. He wanted to build himself here - he was going to buy bldgs and get into real estate & retire from his line of work. Well, I can't imagine what's happened that he's now got big plans in the islands. Boo hoo, I'm not in those plans. That kind of plans is my achilles heel. I love caribbean lifestyle and have had escape fantasy involving the islands long b4 I met BF. When we met & I learned he had acres and acres of land down there it fueled my dreams. He referred to it as the carib. & not the name of his country so I have the impression it's something that doesn't involve his land. Why am I suspicious that it involves some woman he's met who wants him to do some work there? Dang stupid horoscope! I could have been a better dber, but forgot that I need to get him off the phone and he had to tell me he had stuff to do so he had to hang up. SHOOT. He beat me to it. So recap- he'll give me the receipts, isn't interested in my house. Has been doing something on his time off, and has mysterious investment plans in the caribbean, island unknown. He has no questions about how I am or what I'm up to. Does not look good for my team. No points for me. His cold sounding tone makes me very unsure about my idea to lay it all out when I see him. Although it's been since early July that I talked to him about my feelings for him, maybe he assumes I'm over it? Maybe he should know I'm not? Regardless, talking with him has really calmed me down. I have been a distressed mess the past couple days and something about his voice brings me peace.
Rough weekend. I was really not in good shape. Here's hoping the new week is better. Looking at 2 apts. today, I think I'm done looking at rentals after that if they don't work out. Going to move forward with the idea to buy. Getting ready for court today too. Have to find receipts and cancelled checks from 4 yrs ago. What fun. Have a good Monday!
I know how you feel. I seem to be doing really well one minute, and then the next I miss the stbx so much it hurts.
It does get better, though. You are doing a great job detaching, and look at it this way, you had a moment, but you did not call, did not try to cling. You handled it. Bravo!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
aww, thanks Lola. It is a roller coaster after all, isn't it. up and down. Even though it was a rough wknd, it caused me to identify the hardest part of this for me is the lack of control. Having absolutely no control over another person and having to live with the decision that they make is a bitter pill to swallow. When I have control over so much else in my life, it's hard to accept that this is something I must surrender to. I can't just have it because I want it. I appreciate your encouragement. I hadn't thought about the fact that I did do ok in the face of that. I could have called him and exposed myself and ruined any progress I may have made in the past wks. sigh. so tiny
And I am a glutten for punishment it seems. I checked his horoscope again and it only talks about his boredom and how he longs for an escape from his routine. And yesterday's talked about how his thoughts are of someone he loves. COULD be me, since i texted him early afternoon and he didn't call until eve so he could well have been thinking of me off and on all day wondering what I wanted. :-D Ok, going to stop checking up on that nonsense now. That same Indian guy who stopped in and gave me the unsolicited talking to about my luck came in yesterday. He said he's been thinking of me & wonders if I'm doing better. He gave me a stone that he believes will help me. He said to soak it in water w/ milk overnight and then sprinkle it around my home. I'm desperate enough to try! It certainly can't hurt.
