Part of what you're experiencing is the very reason that I don't think MC is what you should be doing. MC is usually about trying to find a way to help the couple manage their relationship - and it often falls on the T to find a kind of middle ground from which to offer and advice - and toward which to bring both partners together. But I just don't think it works when there is an abusive spouse involved.
When I went to MC with my STBX, she did an exceptional job of making me out to be a monster. My mistake then was to try to validate her - not to disagree with her, not to challenge her stories, not to stand up for myself. I had this idea that if I listened, and didn't contradict what she said, it would help us...and I think that normally, that could be the case - but with an abusive spouse it just doesn't seem to work. My STBX took my silence as an opportunity to convince our MC of her POV - and she passed herself off as a victim...this lasted for the first couple months of sessions - until I finally started speaking up - and then my STBX started saying the craziest things - and only then did our MC realize that our situation was pretty dire...and not as it was presented by my STBX...Then again, maybe our MC knew that already - but was just all too happy to take our money...
We stopped going after MC finally started to challenge STBXs words and actions - and STBX then insisted that I had manipulated the MC into seeing things my way and attacking her. STBX also said that our sessions proved to her that I was a manipulative, abusive husband...
My point? Get out of MC. Stick with you IC - let your H decide whether or not he goes to an IC himself - but right now your H is just getting an opportunity to rationalize and justify himself - and to focus his attention on you and the relationship - instead of on himself.
Have you read Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Man, Can he change?". I would highly recommend it.
BTW...for what it's worth...I don't think your is equipped for your situation. He may not be an idiot, but he does seem to be out of his depth.
