No worries. I think at this point in time, your H is suffering from feelings of rejection from OW. He obviously thought it was something completely different from reality.
Just give him some space. But the best thing you can do right now is show him, he is not the end all be all of your life. He is not the center and that you are a happy person with or without him. This works on two levels I think: 1.) When you GAL, it shows him you can move on and you can have a life without him, which freaks them out. 2.) It takes the pressure off of them....lets them know they aren't responsible for making their spouse happy.....
My WAW's mom was in my corner. She thought WAW should try to work things out. Serenity13 had a line that terrifies me, that everyone has heard "we are just old friends." My WAW was spotted leaving the county fair three weeks ago with someone "who is just a friend."
At least once a day I get some reminder of my situation, think about the possible OM and have to get up and take a walk.
We've since agreed to talk once a week as a small beginning, but she didn't call this week.
If your insurance covers it, I would go back into counseling, just to be able to dump all your feelings. I have a Tuesday night marriage rebuilders class through my church where I'm learning the little things I did to kill my W's love for me.
I just feel better at the end having people to talk to about the situation.
______________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Is there a way for someone to remain friends with the OW after an EA? He still doesn't recognize an EA as a real thing and says he will resent me if I make him choose between us. Of course, she's taken herself out of the picture for the moment, but I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back.
I think I could live with it if there are boundaries. Heck, I even think I could really like her and be friends with her myself if we had the opportunity to get to know one another. If this whole thing had gone down differently, if he'd made an effort to introduce us, we could all be friends now. He never lied about his contact with her. I sometimes wonder if I've overreacted to this whole thing and caused more damage to my R.
There may be too much water under the bridge at this point though--too much damage. He's talked to her about our relationship and that really bothers me. While there has been no sex talk between them, there have been things said that really bother me on an emotional level. He's told her that he loves her, that he's always loved her, but he told me that he meant it in a purely platonic sense.
My WAW's mom was in my corner. She thought WAW should try to work things out.
I don't know how much my H's parents know about our situation. They know we were talking about divorce and then were going to counseling. I slipped and mentioned to my MIL that H had walked out of counseling and we aren't going anymore. H won't talk to them about anything.
I'd like to talk to them, but feel like it might be inappropriate. I love them and want to maintain a good relationship with them even if H and I split, but I can feel them slipping away already. I feel awkward around them.
Don't talk to his family. Period. Leave it alone for now. If they ask you, avoid it. Say "This is something I hope I can talk to you about in the future but I just can't right now. I hope you understand."
Can WAS be friends with their OP's they had EA's with?
I wouldn't recommend it. But that doesn't mean that people involved couldn't be mature enough to handle such. I just still wouldn't recommend it.
Would you be comfortable if they were still friends?
At this point, I can't imagine being comfortable with a friendship between them. I guess I should stop worrying about things before they're an issue.
I guess the weekend went well. H and I went to Oktoberfest Friday night--something we've never done before. After a couple of beers, he was somewhat more affectionate. Nothing big, just a hand on the back/arm around the waist kind of thing, but it's more than it's been in a while. Of course, the rest of the weekend was touch-free, but otherwise pre-bomb-like. We just stayed in and did household chores and watched football.
No R talk. I'm still waiting for him to say something. I really don't think he will. He might be happy to just fall back into the old routine and pretend none of this ever happened...at least until it happens again.
I'm not doing so well on the GAL. I don't like to do many things by myself and it's been raining so those things I don't mind doing alone: walking, bicycling, outdoor photography, etc., aren't really feasible lately.
I've been searching the forums for an answer to this question and haven't found it yet, so I'll ask...
How does one handle friends who tell you that you should be done with WAS and say "good riddance?" My best friend, whom I love dearly, thinks I'm crazy for wanting to work on my M. She's been divorced 3 times and I've never asked her for M advice, but of course, she offers anyway. Once she feels betrayed or hurt by someone, they don't get another chance and she feels like I should be the same way. I don't want to damage my friendship, but I'd like to tell her in just this instance, to butt out. No matter how it goes, I definitely need to keep her as a friend. There's no one better to have in your corner and she's probably the best one to help me GAL. Right now, I'm going with "I'm all talked out about the sitch. I just need distraction." Any other suggestions?
Just tell your friend that you appreciate her concern and that you'll take it under consideration. There's no need to explain yourself or what your plans are.
If she's a true friend, she'll respect your privacy and choices.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks. She almost seemed mad at me last night when I told her that I'm biding my time and working on me and not approaching H to talk about the R or find out what he wants. She thinks I'm setting myself up for me and my D15 to be hurt worse if I don't go ahead and rip the band-aid off, so to speak.
Speaking of talking about the R, it has been a month since I've mentioned it. H has not mentioned it at all. Between us, it seems like everything is as it was before the depression, before the OW entered the picture. How long do I wait to bring up issues so we can work on it?
I'm working on GAL, but between work and home responsibilities, it's hard and I'm not sure I'm making much progress in that area. I know I need to be patient, but I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels here.
It's weird. Everything seems fine...like none of this ever happened, the depression, the EA, the wanting to move out and be alone, none of it.
We're getting along great. Affection is back to normal levels. We're doing things together. He talked about looking for a job out of state and us moving together, of course one of the states he mentioned is where OW lives. I put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, but without mentioning her--just said that I've never had any interest in living in that part of the country, which he knows is true. He even made a joking comment about me having to put up with him for the rest of our lives.
Of course, I know it's not fine. It can't just suddenly be fine. I'm so confused on what to do now. Do I keep playing along and wait for H to bring up the R? I'm afraid he never will, at least until it all blows up again. I will continue on with this unresolved feeling, just waiting for the other shoe to drop...
