That is a major difference. My H has thought I was happy, or at least he says that, all along. I remember a time, early in 07 when I said something to S about being stressed. H angrily asked me what I had to be stressed about. UMMMM...lets see, we seem to be fighting a ton lately (which we hadn't done in years), your crazy mother is living here, you work so much I have to just deal with everything.........................
I don't really know when he might have figured out how unhappy I was. Or if he has. Or how he thought I was happy to begin with considering I didn't laugh, smile, listen to music, nothing fun. I was not fun at all. All business. I guess when I look back, when I started to find me he didn't like it much. But he was so super angry at that point, it could have been that or something else. Or nothing at all. Who knows.
I have to say that my H was all about words, except for his snooping, when he was angry. There were not the little games your H seems to be playing (although I have heard stories from others). You handle them very well.
FG-this may just be what he really needs right now. The separation, the power. Although that is really the answer to it I think. He wanted to be the one to do this, probably in part expecting you to fall apart or fight back. He is getting what he wants and you are doing well. Not arguing, not begging or pleading. Now he has to wonder if it is right.
Listen, you mentioned only having one thing in common? What is it. Are you sure that is the only thing? My H, like most, said that crap. Well we have more in common than twins. And he knows it. There are differences too but..
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Mine also said at the time of the bomb that we had nothing in common, never did, blah, blah, blah - I can come up with quite a list we have in common . . .
Oh dear, this is the crunch for me;wondering what we have in common...
Well, we`ve similar backgrounds. That supposed to help isn`t it?
We both enjoy cycling, being outdoors, travel, family history.
We`ve three kids. Damn. Don`t they matter?
We used to have a great time-though that`s getting harder to remember right now.
In some ways I can feel myself rejecting H as much as he`s pushing me away. I don`t let him know that of course.Just do wonder why I ever married him and if I ever could love him again.
He`s as angry as all hell with me AND the kids now. Simmering silence.Good job I`ve a lot planned for the weekend!
Know what made it a little easier for me? I stoopped wondering why I did things (loving h, marrying him cuz most would have run screaming) and just accepted that I did and do. Then I didn't feel so stupid. It is what it is.
Remember my H went through the anger with S too? It is part of it for them I think. It really isn't just us, it is their whole life the question, blame, dont' want sometimes. Then the next day, they want parts of it but not others. Then back.
I know the anger at S, and even the ignoring of him, has really been MY hardest obstacle to get past. There are days I simply want to club him for changing as a father. Then days I just want to tell him to go. Days I want to force him to see all of the pain he is causing S.
I just keep S and I busy and keep talking to him and letting him talk to me. It seems to help. I am a much better mom now than I was. And I was pretty good before. LOL
Have a great weekend.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My H told me around the time of the bomb (it's all kind of a blur now) that he never should have been a father, etc. Blah blah crap. The way he has ignored them, etc. is also the hardest thing for me. I pray all the time that they never realize the extent of it, that they never realize he said he didn't want to be a father anymore/shouldn't have been one. I too just have poured myself into them to make up for his lack of attention and care.
I dont' think we can make up for it. We can try to minimize it and become the parent we probably always wanted to be anyway but...
Boy, I'm glad I'm not the only one who is sort of blurred from the bomb. I remember but then there is so much other stuff as well that to know when it all occured is just too much sometimes. LOL Makes my brain hurt.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I know - it was all such a horrible time and I can't remember if he did/said things before or after the bomb sometimes. I do remember he was really nasty before, so unlike my H.
True, we can't make up for it but at least they can have one parent that they know will be there for them no matter what.
I keep a journal and have written most everything he has said down. Just last week when he asked why I filed for divorce I said because you told me you "desired a life with her." He said, I don't remember saying that....THAT's why I write it all down, that way I know I'm not the crazy one here...
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I was just thinking last night about some of the things that my H said that came up weeks later in conversation and he didn't remember saying them. It is pretty scary! And I KNOW he said them.
