I'm sorry you're struggling with that. Have you thought about maybe going to JOINT counseling, either MC or even a sex therapist? I think you BOTH probably have issues to work thru, and having a neutral third party might help you safely explore those areas?
Guilt is a powerful mood-killer; I suspect your H still has a lot on his mind, and it's affecting his performance. And unfortunately, the more you make of it -- or even if he's just sensing your disappointment -- the more the pressure is going to build on him.
He won't go back to marriage counseling. He said we were just beating a dead horse. He did admit that he needs to do IC awhile back. He did make the call and got a recommendation for a therapist close to our house - one that I had actually called when choosing the marriage counselor (that I still go to for individual counseling). However, the C close to our house sounded old and out of it and I told him that. I recommended he call around like I did and talk to some of the potential Cs to figure out who he might be comfortable with. He's yet to follow-up.
I think you're exactly right - he still has a lot on his mind. I'm sure he still has anger and resentment toward me. I think he's also not quite sure what to make with all the changes in me. He's said that more than once - especially in my new renewed interest in ML. I think he's still struggling (whether he wants to admit it or not) with the person his now former best friend has become. He's made statements like - how could I have not seen this? I told him I think the best friend hasn't always been this person he's just become this person over the last several years. He has father issues he needs to work through as well. His Mom has Alzheimers and they were very close. So he feels like he's lost her as well.
So do you think the best course of action is to just let him approach me regarding ML? And I should just keep trying to be as supportive as I can be? I guess I need to be very careful about letting any disappointment I have show as well - goes right along with not setting expectations for him that he cannot live up to right now.
I'm probably the wrong person to ask this, as I have my own 20-year SSM issues with which we struggle.
I will say this: one of the biggest regrets I've had in my marriage is that I didn't PUSH HARDER for my wife and I to do more MCing and/or sexual therapy along the way. Saying "he won't" isn't acceptable, I don't think, if it's affecting YOUR satisfaction in the marriage.
Hope you are well. Just got back from a work trip for a couple of days. it was beautiful in Albany and the surrounding areas!
Things continue to progress well. The ML issue has improved.
Interesting how well the GALing works sometimes. My H decided he needed to get on FB as well. So he joined and then last night had me show him how everything works. So I'm showing him how he can see folks from high school that sort of thing. And he didn't want to add anyone as a friend really. So I asked him why did he join? He basically said he wanted to see what I was up to on FB! Had to conceal my smile on that one. He is apparently a little worried about who I might be reconnecting to.
Oh you bet I will! I still check the phone records out occasionally. I'll need to see consistent behavior for awhile before he earns my trust back entirely! In fact, he shared his FB password with me but I didn't offer that information. He is one of my "friends" now but I really don't have anything to hide. It was nice though for him to see that I have 110 friends so far. I think it helps with the "I'm fine with or without you" message.
I am happy to be in a much better place than I was several months ago! It's very empowering to know deep down in your core that you'll be fine no matter how things turn out.
I'm enjoying watching him pursue me now! I was definitely missed while I was gone on my work trip!
Puppy, Sandi - could use your advise before I talk with my H tonight...
I mentioned to my H this morning that I wanted to talk tonight about us. I asked him this morning if he'd work on scheduling his IC appt and of course he hasn't. I told him I thought that he said that was something he needed to do. His response was that was a month ago (when all the drama was going on with his best friend and his wife).
I told him that I don't want to feel like I'm in limbo. I asked him if he could at least tell me how he thinks things are going. (We'd agreed to just let things be for awhile but now I'm ready to talk some more.) His response was "better."
So he agreed that we'd talk tonight. I'm not letting him off the hook. I really want him to go to individual counseling if he's not willing to go to marriage counseling right now. I think he still has issues he needs to work through. I said to him that I'm not willing just to keep going day after day pretending like everything is fine.
I've decided this is a boundary I need to set. I want to feel like we're BOTH working on putting the marriage back together. And though I understand we don't need to talk about the relationiship all the time. I don't think it's unreasonable to check-in every so often and see how things are going. I'd really feel better if we'd put together a consentual action plan. I want to feel like we're moving forward not just playing nice with one another hoping that since we're getting along that everything is OK.
Your thoughts? Could use your advise before I talk to him tonight.
Don't know that I got anywhere with the H. He's still balking at the IC. At least I said my peace. He did still say he's really "thrown off" by all the changes I've made and how I made them so quickly. I just told him I made the changes I needed to make for myself in terms of my own happiness.
He went to the lake for the weekend. He was sponsoring a fishing weekend for his employees but no one showed. I don't think he's too upset. He'd rather be by himself.
My youngest son is at a youth weekend event with our church youth group and the oldest son is at work. I'm enjoying a day to myself!
