Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

The biggest issue in our M has been the bilateral avoidance of conflict.

Each of us, if we had an issue that was bothering us, will fume inwardly and sulk, rather than clearly expressing our concern.

Once we then get to the point where we bring the issue up, it has become emotional and we don't do a good job of expressing it - we either understate it, or it comes out as an angry outburst.

If we understate the issue, then the other person quickly sweeps it under the carpet - minimizing the issue and invalidating the concerns.

If the issue comes out as an angry outburst, then the other person reacts only to the anger - with opposing anger - and never sees or addresses the issue itself. We then try to smooth over the anger.

It lead to a M that was peaceful and outwardly great, but was in reality completely gridlocked, inwardly angry, and emotionally dead.

I see that I was also the worse of the two of us. Mrs. Thinker did a better job of voicing issues, and I would more actively brush them aside.

This has been the central theme of the changes I have been making for myself.

- don't brush off issues that others express to me (Listen and Understand)
- see past the emotions in others to understand the underlying issues (control my own emotions long enough to listen and understand)
- voice my own issues in a constructive way


...Still a work in progress.


Gucci, I see your advice as being relevant to me in the first two areas - listen, understand her issues, even when they are expressed as an emotional attack, find and then find agreement and address the issues, rather than pushing back, minimizing, invalidating or otherwise avoiding the issue.