Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Sorry GIMA, not thinking too clearly, I meant to put down something along the line of, if she knows I am scared of the D, like a shark that smells blood, she'll move in for the kill.

I just bought a book on surviving d for men, and it paints the picture about as I see it. We have a large disparity of income currently, so I am going to get beat down money wise, for a D I don't even want. She gets the checks, and gets to be single, while I work for it.

Sigh. How do you accept that and make positive forward movement?

[Coach]

I just bought a book on surviving d for men, and it paints the picture about as I see it.

Then look at a different picture. Get somes counsel from a L in your area. Learn the reality of it and come up with a plan to handle it. Money isn't the key to your happiness. Make a list of what you are grateful for. Go exercise, renew a hobby, pray, meet knew people, call old HS buddies, play with the dog, or do something nice for someone else.

Chose to thrive. This isn't going to kill you. Things will get better. Prepare yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually for any outcome. You can handle it.

Cheers

ps I started signing off with Cheers because it's hard to be down when you say Cheers to someone. Plus it makes me think off being in England and pub-crawling.

[iwantittowork]

Coach,

Thanks for your thoughts, I just got back from Working out, and at least feel better physically now. I am down 35 lbs total now over the last 10 months.

Choosing to thrive, and moving from pessimistic to optimistic. The paradox and all that. I try and work on that daily.

All the things you mention I have been doing over the past few months. I will continue to do them, but at times things are overwhelming when you see what the outcome will likely look like. I am trying to not be bitter when the picture looks like now the W will be better off financially than me, but also only due to me paying her weekly, and single just like she wants.

[iwantittowork]

Well, after yesterdays venting on the board here, and feeling sorry for myself, et all, I went home and put on the best face I could, and joked with W about Football starting up last night.

She hates football, so kidded her about not knowing that Richard Seymour was traded from the pat's and we both chuckled a bit. Then I split to watch the game upstairs in my room.

Oddly, I felt bad yesterday but in thinking about it after, it was not connected to my W per se, but about the financial and my financial picture moving forward.

Moving on to this weekend, need to focus on some activities with d8, and find things to keep busy..

[Coach]

but about the financial and my financial picture moving forward.

Handle it.
Income - Expenses = Cash Flow. It's like trying to lose weight. Can you increase income? Where can you cut expenses?

[iwantittowork]

Income - Expenses = Cash Flow. It's like trying to lose weight. Can you increase income? Where can you cut expenses?

Thanks Coach, I have become very well acquainted with the cash flow process the last few years, so understand it well. My W, not so much, guess that's why I worry about it so much, and she doesn't at all.

However, I understand I am not even at the point yet to make decisions about cutting expenses, increasing income.

First step for me. Put everything on paper, and get it to the mediator. There's no cutting corners here, it is what it will be, the figures won't lie, better or worse for me, nothing I can do about that at this time.

When all figures are down on paper, and the assets are split, then I can make good decisions about next financial steps.

Got to approach this just like a business for now, until things are split, and I know what I'll need to focus on.

Working on handling it..

[iwantittowork]

Journaling for a bit, but I'd like some thoughts if you have any on the comments at the end of the post here.

I picked up "Learned Optimism" And already see that I needed this book. Turns out, I am optimistic when bad things happen, but extremely pessimistic when good things happen. Interesting. I am only partway into the book, but just the understanding it imparts on my thought process, and the way its presented speaks to me in ways other books have not.

A must have for people like K4D, I believe...(And myself...)

Last night, took d8 out, had some dinner, then grabbed a movie to watch at home for the evening with her, cooked some popcorn and sat down, W was on the couch with us. At one point in the film, d8 and I are laughing hysterically about a fart joke in the movie, and I notice that the W is working extremely hard at not laughing. She makes it about another minute, and then gets up to leave us. I ask her if she is taking off, and she mutters something about going upstairs for the evening as she can't watch this ridiculous movie anymore.. I try not to read into these things, but that just strikes me as odd..

This AM, I had not grabbed the mail, so grabbed that and brought it in. In it, is a package for our local community college admissions for my W, so I ask her, are you thinking of heading for college classes? I was genuinely interested, as she has mentioned it over the last year of so. She quickly snatches the packet from me, and is clearly irritated and says, she is thinking about but has not decided on it yet. I tried to ease her up a bit, saying I was genuinely interested, and not trying to start anything or say anything bad. She just turned away, and went to do what she was doing..

On the one hand, though, I know where my W is currently and at least part of what she is thinking. I believe that she feels that once we get D, I'll have to support her while she retrains and goes to college. I believe that's why she got mad when I asked about it. I don't know how realistic that thinking is from her, she's not expressed interest in going back to school, etc, until contemplating a a D.

[givingitmyall]

I picked up "Learned Optimism" And already see that I needed this book. Turns out, I am optimistic when bad things happen, but extremely pessimistic when good things happen. Interesting. I am only partway into the book, but just the understanding it imparts on my thought process, and the way its presented speaks to me in ways other books have not.

A must have for people like K4D, I believe...(And myself...)

And you can add me to that list as well. Reading it now. And, I agree, it is a great book and has changed my outlook on everything. Thanks Coach for recommending it.

On the one hand, though, I know where my W is currently and at least part of what she is thinking. I believe that she feels that once we get D, I'll have to support her while she retrains and goes to college. I believe that's why she got mad when I asked about it. I don't know how realistic that thinking is from her, she's not expressed interest in going back to school, etc, until contemplating a a D.

Her motivations for going back to school don't matter. It could have been that she was still "mad" from watching the mvie with you and D the prior evening. She could still be in the "I hate IWITW sooooo much" mode. Could be she is still venting her anger at you (which I think is a good thing). The reasons for it don't matter.

A side note on your W not wanting to watch the movie with you and D and her holding back her laughter. Sounds like it could have been she is witnessing before her very eyes what she is about to walk away from - you guys being happy as a family unit. And she does not want to show you ANY happiness she may still get from being together as a family doing something as small as watching a movie. That's b/c her good feelings are still there and they are fighting with her bad feelings and desire to D.

I say keep up this kind of stuff in front of her. Don't do it purposefully or in a manufactured way, but just let life happen with you and your D in front of your W. Remember, women LOVE seeing fathers play with their kids.

And as far as the going back to college thing is concerned, don't worry about why she got angry. Support this for her as a way for her to feel better about herself. Let go of the fear that she may be able to support herself better if she goes back to college (I don't think you are feeling this, but it is a common concern). If she improves her self esteem, and sees you supporting her in apursuit of being more independent (i.e., allowing her freedom), I don't see how this can be a bad thing.

[iwantittowork]

GIMA, thanks. Man, your all over the board today.. Keep up the great work!

I am working today on putting together D finances to bring to mediator. It's got to get on paper so I know what I am looking at.

On your thoughts above, I am on the same page as you here, and a lot of my thoughts on sitch mirror what your saying.

I want to note things like I did, so I see what works and what doesn't. At times its very hard to distinguish, as I am sure everyone finds along the way. Also, I want to note these things but not dwell on them. It's dwelling on them that's counterproductive. Note them, and move on for myself.

[iwantittowork]

Man she is tough to decipher, so I have stopped trying. Couple things I noted, they don't bother me but seem odd, like she is deliberately trying to ignore me or keep away from me rather than someone who truly had no feelings just being apathetic.

She came home from shopping, and spent the whole time ensuring she was in a different room than me. I made lunch for d8 and asked if she wanted any. Curt reply, no I already ate. Ok.
Then, I grabbed shower, and she left while I was..

After, took my d8 to local cupcake store and grab a starbucks coffee before we head to play tennis, and we bump into W. I ask if she wants to join us for coffee, she says maybe and walks off to get some. She then comes out to talk to d8, so I offer her chair, she says no she has other errands to run. ok.
She then says goodbye to d8 and makes sure not to look at or say goodbye to me. On her drive by us after, she makes sure not to even look in our direction on her way out.
It would almost be commical of it wasn't so sad. It seems like she is working really hard to ignore me.
These things are really not bothering me, just making note of them. Can't wait to play some tennis with d8..