I really could use the opinions and support of folks here. My kids' first day of school was yesterday. I had them at my house, so I was responsible for getting them all ready.
Part of the situation I'm dealing with is that my W is having an A with a man in another country. She just went to visit him again last month after we had taken a step toward each other. Was another punch in the gut for me. I didn't know it, but she bought a t-shirt with the name of the country on it for our son. When I'm getting the kids clothes ready for school, my son says he brought a shirt from mommy's house to wear on his first day. I got it out of his backpack, and sure enough, it was the shirt she got him. I reacted poorly, I just couldn't take it anymore. I told my son he couldn't keep that shirt at my house, and that he needed to keep it at mommy's house from now on. He seemed so confused and he asked "Don't you like <country>". I said "No, I don't." He says "I'm telling mommy that." I say "She already knows." He asks "Why don't you like it?" and I say "Ask mommy." He could see the anger in my face.
I have tried so hard to keep my kids completely ignorant of what's going on. They keep asking over and over "Why can't we all be together?" and "Why can't we live in one house?" My W has been singing the praises of this foreign country to my kids all year. After her first trip to see OM, she gave a presentation to each of their classes about how wonderful it is there. She was completely indifferent to how any of it made me feel. The fact that I existed and that I might be hurt by her actions was just annoying to her. We had an enormous fight when she said she'd want to bring the kids on a trip there, and I said it would never happen.
When I saw the shirt my son picked for his first day, I just lost it for a moment. I couldn't hold it all back anymore. A little of my hurt leaked out, and he picked up on it. He was so confused, and I know his fragile security was cracked. He hates what's going on, and he knows there are things he isn't being told. For the first time he saw that mommy and daddy are not united.
I just heard from my W that he had a tough first day at school, and that it was because of what I said to him. I feel absolutely awful. He doesn't deserve any of this, and the fact that he was at school worrying and wondering about his mommy and daddy just makes me sick to think about.
I hate all of this. I promised myself I would protect my kids through this and that they would never have to carry any burden because of it, and now I've failed. Why does my W not see the damage she's doing? How can she just do what she's doing, with complete indifference to how it might affect the rest of us? She expects me to just take all this, and if I show any sign of hurt or anger, then it's me who's failing.
