Sad To Be Back 4 Years After The Bust

[BeTheMan]

I am here just to vent....

I had to call my wife regarding an issue with the kids starting school. She was VERY cold and rude. She even said "I have to go - you're annoying me".

Again, I'm not sure I won't feel differently another day, but right now I just want this whole thing to end. I am done. Let's get the house ready for sale, sell it, split the money we have left 50/50 call the movers and start the 3rd stage of my life. This SUCKS!

I feel like a hypocrite knowing that I am listed in the success stories from 4 years ago. No success, just put things off until now.

[thegoodfight]

I am very confused I read your whole thread! You apologized when she was drunk, I am thinking you should do it when she is sober. I don't know what to say except as hard as it is NO CONTACT unless it is an emergency that involves the KIDS.

Stop dwelling it is not healthy, been there done that! You aren't in a position with the roller coaster to do anything effectively right now, you react instead of act. Get control of yourself find out how your kids are doing, go to a therapist, check and see if the kids want one also.

Essentially you need to stop caring about the outcome in regards to your marriage. Make amends for your behavior and that is that, I don't know what else can be said, but if you go through this without caring for the outcome you can act nobelly and honestly. That gives you the best chance to salvage what you can for your children and yourself.

Regardless of what any of us do or say, there isn't a right answer but we all know smothering doesn't work and right now she doesn't want any attention from you. Give her what she wants walk right past her and don't pay her any mind, don't be rude but don't be interested either.

Please right now get a hold of yourself until you can start sleeping again, we don't think as clearly and we aren't as solid when we aren't sleeping especially on a regular basis.

God bless and good luck to you and your family.

[BeTheMan]

I made the apology before I relaized she was drunk. She hides it well.

My soon to be ex wife (there I said it!) just came home to pack a few things since she is staying in a motel room for a few days. I think she needs to be away from everyone for a couple days. I had been crying just before she got here and have been having my worst day since this crisis began. I spoke to her very little, but I sure as heck didn't come across as strong and confident. I just can't get it together enough to apply db principles. I will get my act together before kids come home from school.

I am estranged from my family and really have no close friend, so I think I really do need to see a therapist/counselor to help get through this. When I calm down, I know that regardless of the outcome I will be ok and my kids will be too. The problem is getting from here to there.

Everyone keeps saying to give her space and pay no attention, and I know that's the right thing to do. I just have to do it.
I make this promise to myself and my fellow db'ers - I will not contact her, will not talk about relationship or future (unless she brings it up), and I will leave her alone.

[BeTheMan]

This is getting weirder by the day.

My wife texted me this morning and asked me to call her. I did. She told me she wound up in the hospital last night. She was vomiting badly and had to call an ambulance. They did a serious of blood tests etc and said she needs to see our family doctor. They did let her leave last night and someone gave her a ride back to the motel she is staying in.

She has had numerous medical issues over the years, so this could be related to any of them or something new. Or it may have been a reaction to the stress she is under. I think her Grandmother being gravely ill is really getting to her. Add to that, the situation between her and I, and the usual work related stress and it may be simply too much for her body to handle.

After we discussed what happened, she said "we need to live together - somehow". I simply said "yes we do" and told her that I miss her when she's not there. Not sure if that was ok or not. But I felt it and said it. So, at the moment it looks like she will stay in the motel for another day that is already paid for and then come home Friday night. I will be out for the night for a company event and then I work all day Saturday. That should allow her some time to get comfortable at home.

It looks like I may have one final chance at saving this marriage. And I mean final.

So...advice please. How do I handle things at home? Do I go home and act "as if" everything is fine? My wife may take that the wrong way - as if I think it really is ok because she came back - and that I have never and will never learn. You may need to read this whole thread to answer the next question. Where do I sleep Friday night?

Unless things change again - and they could - I have a better chance with my wife in my house with our kids than I do with her away. I can't blow my family's future. Please help me get this right.

[BeTheMan]

Figured I should clarify something.

My wife said "we need to live together". I am pretty sure that means she thinks we need to for financial reasons, lifestyle, and for the kids. That does not mean that she wants to live with me, or be my wife or anything close. Even when you are an alien, you don't go from "I hate you" to wanting to come home in a day.

So, possibly for the second time (read earlier comment on this thread) my wife feels she needs to do something she doesn't want to. I want her to be truly happy and want my family together, so hopefully over a matter of time, we can put it all back together.

I will certainly keep coming here to journal and get advice, but it's time for me to do more soul searching and educating myself on every aspect of relationships.

The first few days will be critical. Still looking for advice, especially on the sleeping issue.

[steady]

Indy, I just read through your thread here and you are rolling around on the roller coaster. I watch your mood change with every passing change in your W's mood. You're flying all over the place. You go from - I've been crying my eyes out, to, I'm done, let's sell the house and let me move one with the next 1/3 of my life....

You have to get a grip. You have to isolate yourself from the sitch in your head. You already know this.

Nothing hinges on a sentence, or a look, or a mistake. Stop making every little thing a tipping point into a catastrophe.

I've seen a number of times in this thread where you have 'predicted' the future, (Negatively of course) and have been wrong. Get your head out of your @$$! Keep your head in right NOW. It has no business trying to get into the future...that is such a waste of energy. If you kept your mind where your feet are most of your questions would be non-existent. This future guessing is only your attempt at control...it's an illusion so let it go.

Now stop for a minute. Do you have a problem right now?? I'm talking right now as you read this sentence. I'm not asking about something from the past or the future, do you have a problem sitting right in front of you right now?

You need to take a very deep breath. And then another, and another...

[thegoodfight]

Indy,

I doubt very much if your wife is any different than most people, we don't make good decisions when stress becomes strain. I do believe that you have to get a "grip" on yourself and deal with you and the kids and let your wife do the same for herself.

I understand how difficult it is to do the right thing when it seems contrarey to what you want. I am gonna share this with you; I went through many years of pain, most of which was self inflicted, my heart goes out to you and how difficult it is to see straight sometimes.

Remember this DB principles don't guarentee saving the marraige, but they do give the person applying them a great chance at saving themselves and protecting their children. By doing this you also stand as good a chance as any in saving the marriage.

Now is the time to dig deep, not to act as if everything is okay, but ignore the huge elephant in the room. You need to act as if it doesn't matter, what matters are the kids and your mental state of being. Change what you can change YOU! Everything else is out of your control.

I couldn't save my marriage, I am hear to tell you I gave everything I had for quite some time and even worked on it and stayed open for a while after the divorce. I am here to tell you it worked out for the best, I learned alot about myself and about my wife of ten years. My son is good considering all and we get along wonderfully in regards to him.

I am usually pretty happy in fact been nicknamed pleasantville, she is not as happy and usually all over the board. Why, don't know for sure but she wasn't ever able to look at herself and see what she needed to change. Everything was my fault in her eyes and she did nothing wrong. Sadly when we take that approach growth is stunted and we end up very unhappy with ourselves.

Do what you can do for yourself and the kids, force yourself to detache from the wife and focus on any changes you need to make. Go to counseling or a preacher and talk about it. You need to regain control over you! Hang in there and start doing!

[BeTheMan]

Thanks Steady and Goodfight

I was driving in to work this morning and thinking that I really am all over the place. Last time we went through this, I know I was much more calm, postive and actually made changes in myself that last for some time. Over a period of time, I allowed some of my old poor habits etc to come back into my life.

And no..I don't have a problem right now. That's a great way to think of things. I have always been a planner and very black and white about things. I can see now that sometimes it's simply best not to be that way. I can stop making plans all the time, because things beyond my control can change on a daily basis.

I'm going to work as usual, go to the company event tonight and then realize that nothing that happens when I return home is the end of the world - or even my world.

I needed your comments and needed to read over my thread objectively. I just ripped up my ticket to ride the roller coaster.

Thank You.

[BeTheMan]

Had a good night out with co-workers for a company event. A little odd without wife there, but good to GAL on my own.

I think it's time to set a few goals that involve my wife. I already have a long list of personal goals.

1) To have my wife simply touch me in a caring we as she walks by.

2) To have my wife ask me to go with her to run an errand, some basic mundane task. Specifically, being invited to go grocery shopping would be ideal. No need to explain why, but that one thing would be signifigant.

3) To be invited to sleep in our bed. I am getting used to sleeping downstairs now though. No need for sleeping pills the last few nights.

4) To have my wife give me a good morning hug before she leaves for work. Will most likely need to reach goal number 2 first, since when things are "normal" it's part of a routine.
This was a goal last time, and when we reached it, it was the start of a good thing.

[steady]

Good for you Indy. Now keep the focus in you're space occupied by you. You know this stuff. Learn more. The goals are good. Now how about some goals for YOU?

Good exercise: It's simple but very hard to do. Throughout your day, feel your body. No matter what you're doing, have part of your focus on the feelings inside your body. Your feet touching the ground, a sensation, the feel of the air on your skin as you're walking, anything... just make sure it's you feeling you're body. Try it for a day. It helps keep you grounded in the present and keeps the wandering mind at bay. But be warned, at the end of the day you'll be surprised at how often you lost that connection.

Why don't you make that a goal for tomorrow? Trust me, if you work this it will help you tremendously in not projecting forward in your mind. You'll also start to notice things your mind usually just filters out. It's a cool thing.