Separated and Stuck?

[eternaloptimist]

What kind of schedule is H on with S?

Hi, Stronger. Thanks! I know that, if there is any chance for reconciliation, I have to first work on getting myself healthy to be the best Mom I can be at all times and be very patient. Establishing boundaries, detaching, these have been my hurdles to overcome. I've been doing better with those things. I'm trying not to get my hopes up (despite being an eternal optimist!) b/c the reality is that DBing doesn't work for ppl with personality disorders. My H needs therapy. I think the more I detach, the more it will push H to hit bottom. Only after he hits bottom will he probably seek some help or get support b/c the few friends and family that he still speaks to will urge him to do it. Eventually, his disorder will be more evident when he can no longer blame me for all that is wrong in his life. That's my guess anyway... Time is on my side b/c he can't afford to eat much less file for divorce. I refuse to file. I got screwed over by my lawyer already b/c H only wanted a verbal separation agreement; I insisted on something written so that put the ball in my court to get the paperwork done. Big mistake. My lawyer cost more than his and this was all his doing! I felt very duped. Alas, that is in the past; lesson learned for me.

Your visitation schedule for your S sounds like it is working. How long have you been separated? When your H went from the guest bedroom back to your room, did he ask to do that or did it just happen? My H never slept in our bedroom after we moved into our new house two years ago b/c he always complained about it being too bright, my snoring keeping him awake, his sleep disorder, preferring to sleep alone, etc. So ever since we moved, he'd sleep in the guest bedroom. What a mistake that was b/c it eliminated what little intimacy we'd had!

My H has had very little to do with our son since he moved out about a month ago. I'm hoping this will change. He picks him up from school Mondays and Wednesdays and calls to say good-night every night. But the quality or extended time with him has been limited. Anyone can pick up a child from school, as my lawyer reminded me. He did take him for a few days on a trip with friends at the end of August and for the day on a Saturday or two, but had to run in a lot of marathons/races most every weekend. So we really couldn't start a weekend rotation schedule. On the first Saturday that H had our son, he called me three hours BEFORE their visit was to end and said "We are done. Can I bring him back early?" It was sad. Shows you where his priorities are. In the past two weeks, he has taken him for two overnights. I was glad for that but still worry what emotional state my H has been in when our son is there. H has very little patience and has a controlling, authoritarian style of parenting, which invalidates our son and sends him into meltdowns. That is about it for now. I know that our son feels desperately sad and misses his Daddy terribly. It breaks my heart. No young child should ever have to go through this... My son is only 4 1/2.

How is your S coping with the transition?