K4D Rising #4

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not trying to be rude 25. I just don't have the answer right now.


I don't really have answers for you..... I guess I had hoped that this would really just be a long phase that comes to an end. But I am not seeing that right now either. I guess it is dawning on me that this really is not just a phase. Not that you all haven't already said that many times before. I just didn't want to believe that it could keep up as long as it has and then some.

Even my dad told me last night it is time to move on and put it in God's hands after a year now. He is not saying give up. He is just saying what you all have said.....
My dad suggested getting back into fantasy football, watching the Dallas Cowboys, going and playing poker, immersing myself into my girls lives, etc. Its time to stop waiting.... I am thinking about possibly going back to school.
I think [i]the hardest part is not knowing what my future holds and I'm not real sure how to get where I want in my future.
I think sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything I think I need to accomplish and I'm not sure how to go about all of it.[/i]
I think I feel like I need to get a better career, a house, a retirement, a newer car, build muscles, excercise, find a hobby I like, do AA, C, keep my girls in C, attend all of their stuff, go to school, and some how have friends, and get involved in church. My parish is very small and it is hard to meet people when they don't have any classes or much activities going on.

Kevin

Kevin [/quote]

So you know, most of us have the same things going on as you do, although we are not overwhelmed by it. This is noteworthy. Kevin, I'm in need of a car within a week of today. I need a full time job here, and I aim for another degree in a totally new field just b/c I love it, but I need a credential for public schools here, I am on a diet now, and have to exercise more, I have a husband and children who like time spent together so that's pleasantly time consuming, I have a serious passionate avocation on the side, I am finishing a small (but for me, meaningful), book, I hope by Christmas. And I have one dying family member left, as well as many healthy people whom I love in my life. They all need attention. Also have numerous house projects, must somehow pay bills though mil is dying and H must take off work to see her at times and is not paid for that family leave, must argue with some of the bill senders, and attend things our older children are involved in and meet their "special new friends", and have to pay college tuition, and make sure all of the children stay in touch and that we visit our out of town son, and the rest of our family and friends while also building this new career and and and......This is called "having a full life" and for the most part it is a rich blessing. You have the freedom to change your life. BUT...

Your feelings of being overwhelmed are at the root of SOME of your behavioral issues. If you were not so overwhelmed, you'd function much better, you would not be paralyzed, you would control your emotions better when your neediness starts rising again. You'd have something other than stbxw to focus on, and not just the girls either.

All of this, literally, has been said to you before. Nothing new or revelatory here. Classes, hobbies, exercise, joining others in various ways---all been said before. Especially the schooling part b/c it covers meeting other people, doing something constructive for your career, helping you financially & getting your mind off your stbxw, but yeah, you' heard it before. (Rather than ruling it out already for this semester, call a community college or anything with rolling admissions and OR a trimester system, to see if you can go this month, or start by Thanksgiving.)

But still, the reason for such paralysis is what concerns me. By avoiding THAT inability to function, you set yourself up again for a big let down.

So really it is about when you'll get help so that normal (and "not so normal") life events, don't overwhelm you in a way that creates more chaos & stress or stagnation.

By now I thought you'd be sick and tired, of feeling sick and tired, and you are. But your response to that was what makes things worse. Instead of movement and change within, You just clung harder and then made God responsible for your happiness.

Do as those who care have suggested, but get the help you need first, or we're all wasting our time and yours.There's nothing shameful about needing tools you don't have. Get the help Kevin.

What do you think others here did to feel better? My marriage was twice as long as yours & I married my h in college. Yeah I was afraid! I took my kids to c, for them, and we took trips & did fun things without h, etc but JUST FOR ME aside from classes, and meeting new people, and travel without h---I had a great pro-M T, (who also prepared me for becoming single again, w/o feeling terrified), AND I had a great DB coach too, AND I talked to clergy AND I joined a support group, AND I came here, AND read everything I could...that's what I did for the family stuff but I took classes and began a whole new life pursuit and oh, I changed. A LOT.

I guess you could say "gee 25, what a lot of work!"...but I felt better doing all this. Mostly it didn't feel like "Work", it felt [il]ike healing[/i]. Obviously it was worth it now, but even then, it's not like I was digging in hot tar on a skyscraper's roof in boiling hot weather (My brother's description of the world's hardest work). No, I was learning about myself and God and life, and how to move on and grieve through something and how to HEAL & FORGIVE and be happy....I have tools for so much more now, not just my m.

Get some help and stop fearing it so much. Your life would be a lot easier in the long run and I daresay in the short run too.

Your stbxw says and acts as if, it's over. She has been consistent with that for the whole time and has sent no serious signals to the contrary, nor has she once expressed doubt about her course of action (unless you count civility, which I don't). You wanted to avoid any timelines b/c you said you'd "stand forever" and it does sound appealingly simple. You would not have to change, and you could hang onto your pride and maybe even pontificate about being a "stander"... But maybe now you can tell yourself what we all have said, "it's okay to move on. Does not mean you gave up or aren't standing, and for the 78th time, moving on MIGHT be the way to earn her respect anyhow."

BTW The relatives I know who divorced and later remarried their former spouses --they all thought it was indeed over. AND they were right- their marriages were over! It took my cousin 5 years to reconcile and the Uncle took 8 years to reconcile with my aunt. BUT NO ONE WAS WAITING those years.....they all four moved on in their lives, and improved as individuals...as far as I know, all four got c of some sort and made changes in their lives. That's why it was better the 2nd time around and why it could occur in the first place. I don't know why you fear getting psychiatric/ psychological help so much. Please don't say it's the costs. Sliding scales all around--re-read CG's post and others who posted lists of "TO DO" things for you in the past and all the resources around.

Do you recall saying you "have never really been able to be happy" ?? That's HUGE.

And it'd be at the TOP of my priority list in life...Until it is a real priority in yours, it just won't happen.
j-