I'm sex starved, he has EA with OOW

[BrokenTrust]

I am on my second marriage, with my first I married at 18 to escape an unhappy family life and after 8 years of marriage we both grew up and grew apart.

With my current husband I was quite happy, but it seemed like soon after we said "I do" our sex life ended. At first it dwindled to once a week, then once every few weeks... to months.

I was always the one to instigate things and the constant turn downs were very hard on my self esteem.

My husband was not internet literate and I wanted to help him out so I set him up a free e-mail through a popular website where he could also play games. (This was around year two of our marriage) A few months later I became curious when he would hide the monitor when he was online so I checked his e-mail and found out that he was having an online affair. I was shocked, especially since he showed no interest in me, so I explained to him that cheating online was still cheating, which he said he didn't know and he swore that he would never do it again and I threatened to 'call his mother' if I ever caught him cheating again. (He is very close to his mother)

About a year later I was at his work to pick him up when I found a few e-mail addresses in his desk and asked him about them, he got mad and wanted me to give them to him so he could throw them away, but he was called away before I could. I copied them and when he came back I gave them to him and he told me that they were distributors and no longer valid. When we got home I contacted the e-mail addresses as him under his old e-mail account and discovered that they were other online women that he was having online affairs with.

I was absolutely crushed and carried through with my threat (childish, I know, but I said I would do it and he was horrified that I did and his mother gave him a lecture that I never could). Once moe he swore that he would never do it again.

What hurt me the most was that I had tried to get him to write to me online, to 'act' things out with me... being silly, but he said he just was not into doing things like that. He was... just not with me. He would spend his time making sure that these other women felt desired and wanted while ignoring me. We were down to having sex about twice a year by this point and started sleeping in seperate rooms because I could not stand being in the same bed when I was sure that I disgusted him. He swore that was not the case and told me that he was using online to try to get into the mood... but I was not buying it and made sure that he could no longer get online from home.

He started coming home on time from work and stopped going in early, but other than that he refused to try anything to work on our relationship. I told him that he was the one that broke it and he had to be the one to fix it, but he has done nothing.

Three years ago I discovered that he was back at it... we were on our way out of town to a major University Hospital for pre-op testing for me and stopped to get some bottled water, and while he ran in I checked his phone and saw a number on there I did not recognise, so I asked him about it when he came back and he got furious and demanded his phone back immediatly. My heart fell because I knew immediatly what that meant. I asked who it was and he told me it was a vender for buisness cards and they called him at 8pm the night before while he was out getting the car filled with gas (he was gone for an hour) and he had to take care of an issue. I said "fine, then I will call the number" and did just that as he tried to get the phone from me... and a female voice answered saying "hi, baby, why didn't you call my work number?"

So, I discovered, on my way to pre-op testing that he had been carrying on a very involved affair for almost a year both online and on the phone. I asked her if she knew he was married and she said "yes". I then hung up and told him exactly what I thought of him as he tried over and over to deny it all. We had not had sex for 2 years at this point... and he swore that he was having 'troubles' in that department and that they had never met real life. That night we had sex, and afterwards I cried until it was time to go to get my testing the next morning.

Two days later, when we got home I managed to get his new e-mail address out of him and contacted her as him through the e-mail with him sitting there and talking to her as him, because he would not tell me anything and said that they had not been 'doing' anything for a long time and they were 'just friends'. I discovered from her, with him sitting there, that they were very involved and the night she called him they had a very long online 'session' while he was in a parking lot.

That was 3 years 6 months ago and we have not had any physical contact since that time. Our phone bills are itemized so I can see every call that is made and any text messages, but I do not know what he does at work and I just cannot trust him.

Two weeks ago an endocrinologist verified that his testosterone is extremely low and they are starting him on replacement therapy and he just says "see, I was not lying, I never cheated on you physically."

He cannot understand that he might not have cheated on me physically... but he did in every other way possible. He has shown me no attention, rebuffed me when I tried to start anything (something I have not done since that time at the University Hospital) yet he has spent alot of time making strangers feel wanted and desired. He put forth an effort to see to their pleasure... all the while ignoring me and making me feel like the most disgusting least desirable person in the world.

I just cannot trust him... I have no way of knowing what happens on his work e-mail, work computer or who calls him at work. He is doing the late nights at times, early mornings and making a habit of taking an hour for a 15 minute errand again, but I am not sure if I even care anymore... I am so angry that it is not even the cheating that bothers me. I want him to be as misserable as he has made me.

I know I am bitter... I try not to be, I hold it back and try very hard to act like nothing is wrong but every once in a while something sets me off and I just explode, telling him how I feel, how he has made me feel.

I am trapped... I am disabled, my health is horrible and the stress is not helping matters. I cannot work due to major health issues and do not have anywhere to go and if I tried to leave I would be homeless and without health insurance.

I feel trapped and hopeless and he is unwilling to do anything to try to work on things. I would bring up marriage counseling and he would say he would check to see what was covered and never does. He swears he loves me and that it is not that he does not want me but that he has no desire for anyone at all, but I think that I am just a 'habit'.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again... three times I caught him cheating, each time he swore he never would again... and later I catch him. I am wondering when the next time will be... it is just a matter of time.

I am sorry tis is rambling... I just do not know what to think or do and I am trapped.

One thing is that he knew when he met me that I have a very strong sex drive... and it was not until after our wedding night (where he watched football while I fell asleep in the bed while waiting for him) that he even told me he never really had much of a sex drive.

I think what gets me the most is his total lack of concern about how I feel... he will spend energy and time having online and phone affairs that are every explicit but has not touched me in an overt sexual nature in the past (before the RIP went up on our sex life) without my instigating it. He sees to the needs of strangers, but not me.