K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

The question is how long you will keep this up?

I asked you a question in my last post. IT's really important. Please don't keep ignoring it as it's rude to me and reveals a remarkable lack of insight on your part, at this point in this process. IN sum, You have problems Kevin.

Get some real help for your main problems...Come on, like I asked you, what's it going to take?
j-

I'm not trying to be rude 25. I just don't have the answer right now.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and contemplating lately. I have also been busy with work and the kids.

I'm trying to think this through as I held out hope for almost a year while having huge down moments. I guess after a year of seeing nothing change, and yes, I haven't exactly been full of change myself... I'm just questioning things.

I don't really have answers for you. I don't have answers for myself. I have made mistakes this past year and tried to pick myself back up. I guess foolishly I had hoped that this would end by the time my lease is up. But I don't see that happening now. I guess I had hoped that this would really just be a long phase that comes to an end. But I am not seeing that right now either. I guess it is dawning on me that this really is not just a phase. Not that you all haven't already said that many times before. I just didn't want to believe that it could keep up as long as it has and then some. I didn't think it would last a year. Now I have no idea how long this will go. There is no time table anymore. I played the waiting game and it was the wrong move.

Even my dad told me last night it is time to move on and put it in God's hands after a year now. He is not saying give up. He is just saying what you all have said in start figuring out what I enjoy without her. I can't keep going like this and waiting around. The few times when there might have even been a remote possibility of her letting her guard down and warming up, I eventually blew it again. She hasn't let her guard down in some time now.

My dad suggested getting back into fantasy football, watching the Dallas Cowboys, going and playing poker, immersing myself into my girls lives, etc. Its time to stop waiting. I talked to KJ (aka Wifey) on the phone last night and I am thinking about possibly going back to school. I think I already missed the starting semester. But I could get myself prepared for the winter/spring semester.

I think the hardest part is not knowing what my future holds and I'm not real sure how to get where I want in my future.

I think sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything I think I need to accomplish and I'm not sure how to go about all of it.

I think I feel like I need to get a better career, a house, a retirement, a newer car, build muscles, excercise, find a hobby I like, do AA, C, keep my girls in C, attend all of their stuff, go to school, and some how have friends, and get involved in church. My parish is very small and it is hard to meet people when they don't have any classes or much activities going on.

Kevin

Kevin