I have been quietly following your thread and wanted to offer you some support. I also want to suggest something to you in the hope that it may help you.
I do not pretend to know all of the ins and outs of abusive relationships or what it is like, from firsthand experience anyway, to try to leave one. I have known a number of people, some of them very dear to me, who have had to extricate themselves from them, so I know how very hard it is.
Here is my suggestion. In many of your posts you seem to vascillate about the reasons why your H does the things he does or what he feels. I suggest, if you can, that you stop thinking about that altogether, as what matters right now is your safety and well-being (and that of your children). Spending precious energy on why he thinks, feels and acts as he does drains you of the resources you need to help yourself.
One way to do this might be to step back, just a bit, and ask yourself what you might say to a close girlfriend or a sister, if her partner were treating her as your H treats you. I have found it helpful to think about my circumstances as if they were happening to someone dear to me and then asking myself how I might counsel her. It helps to give me some needed perspective and it reminds me to keep my mind focused on me and changes that I need to make to make my life all that I want it to be.
It is sometimes difficult to convey tone on these boards, so I will say explicitly that my intention is not to hit you with a 2x4, that is not my way. I simply wanted to share my thoughts with you in the hope that they might help you in some way.
