Deep - thank you for your kind words here too. I will definitely stick around for awhile and try to share my experience and offer advice to others in terms of what I've learned (although I feel like I've gotten more than I am able to give at this point advice-wise, and do hope I can give more back one day). I am so glad for you that your situation turned around. Thanks again - hhh
There IS another woman. He sounds like he is done with you for now. I would guess the other woman has mentioned things like "yea but you are "still married". His normal reply would be, yea, but I am getting divorced.
Usually the man pushes things along if the other woman is making it an issue and showing signs that she won't be with a married man..... That is what I suspect....
I realize you want to find a million other reasons that take you around in circles, but my exerience has shown me that almost everytime, the final results show that there was another person in the picture...
Regarding the divorce? I can't understand why people on here almost always say to "let them do all the work"... I guess they heard it from someone else so they repeat it to the next person. I don't see where I can notice it being real effective to saving anything. If they want to come back, they come back. The marriage won't matter one way or the other. It is the PERSON they are coming back to if done correctly.
Why would you do that? The physical divorce isn't the same as the emotional divorce. Let him have it. I would pursue it if it was me.
Why? Because you get your best divorce deal when they are EAGER. Why not get the best deal? Why would you hurt yourself by waiting? Waiting for him to do it can backfire when it comes to splitting things up. If he decided to come back it will be whether you divorce or not. The actual divorce means squat... Do your own work....
Your choice. I see no advantage to waiting. I see no advantage to using the "let him do the work" routine. It only helps to keep you in limbo..
Get out of limbo. Go out. Start having fun. Force yourself to go out and mingle and have social interaction. I have seen or found no better way. Those that say they are going to wait "until" they are ready are usually fooling themeselves. Anybody can mope at home and say they are waiting to heal. Might as well mope out and about. Who knows what may happen.
You may find out that there is nothing wrong with you NOW. Certainly nothing than a new interest wouldn't take care of...
Good luck. I wouldn't wait. I would be the aggresssor as far as moving things toward ending this quickly. Sometimes it wakes them up when you move it fast. Sometimes not.
Interesting advice...I hear what you are saying, yes, but it does is some ways seem not-DB'ish, if you will. I get that there is emotional and legal D...and I don't want this to become nasty. At the same time if he's going to push this I feel like he should step up to the plate, I don't want to necessarily help him here. Stronger's post the other day seemed quite different...thinking that no, I can't stop him, but why help him in this process...let him do all of the work and maybe he'll think twice about things. I've read other posts and a lot of them do say, yes, achknowledge where they are and that you can't stop them from doing what they need to do, even if you don't agree with it.
In terms of going out and having fun, I have been doing that quite a bit lately and it has helped. I went on a date over the weekend and have been getting attention when I go out w girlfriends...this all helps. I am not going to sit home and mope, I am going to put myself out there and maybe someone great will come along that will really appreciate me and I'll click with...who knows, i am trying to be open.
hhh, from my perspective... the is a difference b/w letting him do all the work and protecting yourself. If nothing else, you should seek legal counsel. My h has not filed or even yet asked for the D, but if he does..I won't sit still. I will make sure that I and my kids are protected. I don't think it would be good for you to just let him do this to you without knowing what it would mean for you (financially etc.). Just my 2 cents.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
For clarification....when I say "Let him do the work" what I mean, is let him start this process. Let him start the filing. Let him pay for it. I'm not saying don't respond because yes, you will get worked and screwed. But the way this works is someone has to file and pay the filing fees. In my county that's now $400 plus. I'm not paying that. You shouldn't either, esp. if you aren't the one who wants it. If he files, you will have to be served. The process server will let the courts know you were given the documents. You will need a lawyer then. I spoke to a lawyer before being served. I did not pay a retainer until I that point. Why? Why waste the money until then?
My lawyer keeps stats. He says just more than 30% of his clients reconcile during this process. He says sometimes it's because the process really kicks them both in the ass as to how much this is going to suck. Sometimes, one of them realizes, "Oh, crap LBS was serious....we aren't going to be friends" and that scares them. He said there are millions of reasons, everyone's slightly different than the next guy's as to why the divorce process helps them reconcile. His opinion is the number one reason is the realization of who much this will cahnge life and just all around suck. The next biggest reaso, one party realizes the finacial kick they are going to be taking and decide to try things one more time....
For me, who cares why they stay? Just take that time and show each other that life can be better and a new marriage can be created.
So again, I"m not saying do nothing, I'm saying, let him start it. Then if the time really comes, then get a lawyer, pay the retainer and see where that takes you.
My W wanted me to sit down with her and help fill out the paperwork. Told her that she could send it in however she wanted and the L's would take care of the details. Whatever happens will be between the L's and doesn't have to be a fight with us. If she can't accept that then there is no chance and we won't be friends anyhow. Do what you have to do in this and protect yourself.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
And another thing....yes I am going to fight the divorce. But I am in a very different position as I do have a child with this idiot I'm still in love with. (Good thing for him!)
I'm not going to go to the courthouse and sit there doing my own karaoke version of Pink's Don't leave me.....
But if the time comes, I will simply file for an extension per my state's law to allow us to reconcile during that time. My state's laws do lean toward encouraging reconciliation, despite being a no fault state.
Again, protect yourself but you can fight this to a certain extent. And for me, I want it on record that Mommy did everything she could to fight this D, if it were to ever happen. That's for me and my karma.
This all makes perfect sense. Thanks for the clarification. Yes I fully agree that he can be the one to start the process, but in the meantime yes I am going to consult with a lawyer (before H takes action here) to protect myself. I have some references I will reach out to this weekend. I want to be prepared, and overall I feel like I am in a stronger place than I was a couple of months ago.
My H is a tad of a coward in certain respects and I think he is waiting for me to step up or something... he needs to get a taste of what this all will feel like I think as he goes about this process, even though I do think his mind is pretty made up.
I guess I am just trying to think ahead..so if I am served and/or we are reviewing papers together (or with lawyers or whatever), when/how do I feel like I sign? That's going to be hard I think...the finality of signing myself. Maybe it's a cowardly thing for me to do, but in some ways I'd almost rather just have it dissolve if he is really pressing hard than sign myself...b/c it's the stance that I felt I don't want this, and living true to that.
Nonetheless, I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself too much without legal advice. The signing and finality of things do scare me a bit...but as I am now in CA with family and friends I feel more confident that if/when I do start a new life I will come back out here, where I have much more support.
Gucci, Sound advice...I filed to protect myself. I didn't think that I could also possibly be getting the best "deal" because he wants out NOW....hmmm.. I still think he's gonna fight me for every last penny, but the lawyers will have to deal with that. I did ask my lawyer to ask the judge for 4 months time to reconcile, while the assets are frozen (of course).
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
