Honestly, I think trying for things like a kiss goodnight might be a bit much to start with. I am here for the long haul, so those goals can come down the road. For me personally, I have to let him do this on his own. If he wants sex, he comes to me. If he wants to talk, he comes to me. It sort of feels like a backwards thing, but when I initiate anything, it sort of feels like manipulation. It might to him as well. So I go about my day, being as happy as I am at the moment, if there is something to share with him re house, S, or something I feel like saying, I say it. If that turns into a conversation, that is good. When I do things and he is around, I act like he is welcome to join in if he wants, no pressure at all. This is what I'm doing, what I was thinking about doing etc...
I will share that at first, there was no response or reaction. Then when he did start joining in a bit, he found every excuse in the book to make sure I knew it was because he really had no choice but didn't want to be doing it. I didn't let that slide at all. He always has a choice. Now he may still be feeling that way, but if he does, he hasn't said it. My first and biggest goal R wise was to simply reduce the tension. Then it was to enjoy myself. Then to maybe actually enjoy H. To find a way to communicate without too many misunderstandings. It seemed really contrived at first because I was always repeating questions, sounding really stupid because I would say things like "do you mean this or that" but then I explained that I was not comfortable assuming that I even remotely knew what he was trying to tell me. The questions don't seem to have to be asked as often now, because the communication is generally much clearer.
If down the road he decided to kiss me goodnight, that will be his choice. It all has to be his choice of what he will do and my choice of what I will accept. Does that make sense?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
It does make sense. I thought it was geared more toward relationship stuff, that's why it seemed like such a hard thing to do, and not necessarily goals that could be accomplished in a short period of time with these guys.
I have gotten the same type of thing from my H -that attitude about not having a choice but "has" to do it. Over the summer I started extending invitations to H when the kids and I were going to do something special or new (it took me awhile to get to the point where I could do this and not be bothered if he said no). It is always stated "you are welcome to join us . . ." And he has come pretty much every time. He tries to feel in "control" I think by not letting me know ahead of time, joining us there etc., but he has come. And at first I got the attitude from him like a sulking teenager, that I will be here but I won't like it attitude which was so irritating because NO ONE said he had to be there (but yes I ignored it and enjoyed myself anyway). The last time he joined us a couple of weeks ago, though, that didn't seem to be there, at least not so noticeably and he seemed to be enjoying himself. Progress maybe?
I guess I need to re-read that section of the book and come up with some goals. Maybe a year from now a good night kiss? :)Or two years? Ha!
Ok so i got up this morning and sat IN the toilet. I thought that was over when H stopped sharing that bathroom with me. But apparently my S left the seat up. Do men/boys EVER learn to put it down cuz the water is COOOOOLLLLLDDDDDD!!!!
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
