Hope, Please take my advice with a grain of salt and understand, I am not there and your gut instinct is better than my advice. Ok?
But for what it's worth, yes, you need to back bone up too. It's hard, I get that. It took me a little bit to do it myself I was so shocked when this first started and went spinning when I found out about OW.
I did it in increments. The first time was by accident. That was in January when he was sooooo sure this little idiot 23 year old was going to be with him and they were going to ride off into the sunset. He says to me, "I wish you would find someone to take care of you so I don't have to worry about it anymore." I was so shocked and so pissed, I could only laugh. His perception of it was "Eff you" and that turned out to be a good thing. What I did really say was "Be careful what you wish for." His stupid comments really tappered off then, from about 10 a week to about 3 to 5, depending on the week. (Sort of funny to think about it now.)
That was small.
Then in February he pissed me off to no end and this was after his perfect OW went and found herself a younger, richer and taller new boyfriend. I told him, "I'm moving out." He tried to stop me, I held firm. I moved in with a friend, a wonderful friend who took me and S into her home for about 4 months. H was forced to move back into the house. That first weekend after I moved out, he opened up for the first time about specifics as to why he was unhappy, not just "I'm unhappy." I got examples and actual incidents that I remembered but didn't register as important in my eyes, but very important in his. It was a great insightful conversation.
You need to think of ways and places where you want to assert yourself. You cannot run scared. Who was the woman he fell in love with? How would she handle this situation?
I would start with contacting some friends who know the situation, friends you really trust who are not going to start in with the "leave him, why are you dealing with this?" and let them know, any time of day, you may just show up. I have about 4 friends here who I could have done that with and in couple of situations, I did. When he starts in with the yelling and screaming and you can't stop him by being calm, leave. I know you want to stay there. I know you still think you can "talk" to him, but you can't. Not now. But if you do this enough, if you walk out of the house, he'll catch on. "Ok, I yell, she leaves.....end game....stop yelling at her."
I know it's going to be hard for you to do this, but I think that is where you are. And this is what I mean by "end of his rope". He's gone off the deep end and has thrown all logical thinking out of the window. Guilt? Maybe. Guilt because he knows he's in the wrong here. Frustration, stress, etc? Probably mixed in there too. But for whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. Just go. Send a clear message: "I won't be spoken to this way. I am your partner in life and the mother of your child. You do have the power to take away the partner in life status, but you will never take away the fact I am the mother of your child and I will be damned if any man, especially you, speaks to me like this anymore. You've met your quota for yelling at me for a whole life time and then some. No more."
My H used to throw D out there, like it was a threat. "We just need to end this, simply and friendly like." He would email it. He would say it. I put my foot down, face to face. "The next time you say D or you email it, you better be prepared to follow through. I will not be threatened. I am not scared." I did not yell. I whispered. (Something I learned from my therapist) And the fact I was dead serious impacted him. I know this because he hasn't said or emailed it since. I will admit, later on when heads were more cool, I did tell him D is not my preference, but I am going to have a new life. You need to decide if you want to be in it or not. (I wish I could thank him for not saying D since that conversation but I don't know that that's possible without bad feelings brewing. So I leave it alone, but I'm appreciative.)
Any-hoo. Is that long enough for you?
Backbone up. Not all at once like a tidal wave, but in increments.
He will keep doing this to you. And why not? You're letting him. You are at a point where you need to do or die.
