I have been recently looking through pictures from the past year or so that I finally got off of my camera and onto the computer. I noticed first off that I didn't have many of H (since he has been on board the mother ship) and secondly that there are not many good ones of him, and the ones that I have he looks "dead" - there is no spark there in his eyes or face at all. It is so sad. I can't believe I didn't notice that before.
Sort of funny how you used the word "spark". That is how someone referred to my H. That he had lost the "spark". And that even if it doesn't seem like it, he will look for it at home and to just make here and me the best that I can.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
That is the only way I can describe it. Almost soul-less it seems. I am starting to see a bit of the spark back when he interacts with the kids (or had - it is gone this week). It makes me so sad.
You have described the eyes of a mlcer...the eyes are dead...no sparkle. That is how their soul is right now...deep, dark and no feelings for anything.
Now, take a good, long, hard look at the smile...the smile will be forced as well. When they "zone" out, this is what you will discover. Go back further in time and you will then be able to pin point when he began the process to become a "pod" person.
It makes me so incredibly sad to see it. His smile - so rare now - I don't every think really reaches his eyes. I recently came across a picture of him holding our newborn daughter and he had a surgical mask on but you could see the smile in his eyes. Now, nothing.
It is hard to pinpoint but I think as early as I can remember noticing something "different" was last summer - my BF remembers me telling her then he seemed a bit detached. So more than a year.
I really don't know when to say this "crisis" started. He had a QLC about 10 years ago and some of the same issues came up, but it was minor compared to this (oddly, looking back, I can see a bit of the same replay behaviors, just to a much lesser extent). So the thoughts have been there for years now.
If he did not complete the QLC, he will repeat those behaviors now. When they are going through this, we have to allow "nature" to take its course. We cannot "snatch" and/or "snap" them out of it, for if you do, they will revisit the issues again at a later date and the crisis will be far more intense. It's interesting that you are seeing the behavior to a lessor extent. They are usually more so. It could be that you are leaving him alone and not putting any type of pressure on him. You may actually be more aware of the DB process than you think you are and that is helping the situation as well. Time will tell...
They facial expression is forced, very depressed and/or sad looking. The eyes are the door to the soul and now you can actually see that he is "dead" inside. He must go through the entire crisis in order to come out the other side.
The most important thing is that you take care of yourself during this time. Eat right, get plenty of rest and exercise whenever you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I mean that I saw the same replay behaviors during the QLC to a lesser extent - much more intense now. Of course, back then I really had no idea what was going on and why we couldn't seem to get along! Interestingly, he once recently when he was opening up to me brought up that time period and said how the issues were "swept under the rug" at that point. Yes, he definitely needs to deal with it now!!
I am trying so hard to just leave him the heck alone. I have seen some normal for him lately (whatever that is anymore) but now he is back into alien mode big time and it is hard to watch.
Personally, I am overall doing well - GAL, trying new things, making new friends, developing a much deeper bond with my kids than I had before while trying to keep their lives as normal and happy as possible. So it has been good for me in many respects.
you are where I was not so long ago. It is heartbreaking. I, most of us do understand, and I think that hits after we manage to release most of our anger.
Remember, we experienced the QLC too. I wish I had done so much differently then. But I didn't know what it was. I just thought he hated me. Oh well what is done is done as far as all of that goes. I am bound and determined this time to let him finish, if he can. I love him too much not to.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I have been rereading a bit in the archives. Is there any way to possibly organize some of the stuff you have out there re depression? I find you have such a wonderful understanding of it all.
Sorry for the hijack TIF
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
