Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Kettricken]

Well, if you meant 'find something you can sincerely agree with -- even if it's a little thing -- and then do it freely and without snark', I *totally* agree.

I had perceived that you said, '*it doesn't matter* what you think; agree as a matter of policy.' That might win the battle, but I really believe it loses the war.

It's BECAUSE my husband and I had terrible troubles disagreeing on a lot of things -- even stupid theoretical things -- earlier in our marriage that this matters to me. We had to learn to communicate WELL, without personalizing; we had to learn to fight fair and in the hackneyed phrase, learn how to agree to disagree and both feel "heard". How to stop emotionally extorting 'agreements' that weren't really agreements but resentful surrenders in the face of hurt feeling, tears and/or yelling.

If I thought my husband was verbally abusive and he said insincere words that validated my belief BUT he really didn't think he was/get why I was upset .... what would that be but a very temporary bandaid on a gaping wound? Lip service doesn't yield change, it just confuses the issues and DELAYS change.

Maybe I couldn't tell whether he was sincere or not; maybe Mrs. Thinker couldn't tell. The problem in that case resides in the effect on the false-agreer. You lose respect for people you're lying to pretty quickly. Dishonesty -- even with good intentions -- drives a little wedge into a relationship every time it happens.

Of course, it never hurts to say, "I could be wrong" as a matter of policy in any conversation. For anyone with a modicum of humility, that's *never* a lie.

What I find productive is a form of mirroring. When you articulate calmly and thoughtfully to your partner what you understand their position to be and their emotions and reasons as you understand them ... leaving out any discussions of whether you find their logic questionable and/or tainted by other factors or not .... that shows them that you DO understand and you cared enough to listen and process their POV. Overt agreement is then often unnecessary, depending on the circumstances. And nobody has to sell out their own POV. It's worked well for us, anyhow.

Maybe that's what you meant?