Give it a few hours to calm down and read my post and Phoenixdeux again. Of course you're angry. Of course you are.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
She is in a mindset right now where she will SAY, ANYTHING, to get him to take her back. I think John needs to weigh the emotional duress she is under, and those words, very carefully against her demonstrated long-term behavior and repeated infidelity and lack of character, don't you?
That is EXACTLY what I thought about last night and this morning! This is why I chose not to respond.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
AFWAW, ask yourself this. If your wife switched gears in three months and said she knows she needs to move on and has found someone new, how will you feel?
The answer is, it depends. Say we did get back together and she did this, I would go no holds barred on her--I would see out to get full custody of my D with no visitation for her, I would call all the senior leadership within my career field and make sure her rep was ruined, I would find the evidence I needed to make sure she got in trouble at work--there would be no forgiveness.
Say we don't get back together--well then, it doesn't really matter, does it? I would be divorced and not talking with her anyway.
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Because of the back and forth stuff I suppose that he should be cautious, but it sounds too me like AF is really strong now and won't be so easily hurt.
I don't know about that, I may be strong but I could still be hurt again--it's still a pretty fresh wound.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Actually, this relationship is probably at a point where it could be saved. It is in AFWAW's hands (where it should be now)
Nothing to worry about. She isn't going anywhere if she is serious. If she isn't serious, then best to know now. The fact is that she HAS done inklings of these things in the past.
Even if you do decide you want to reconcile or look into reconciling, you would need to make sure you handle it so that she at least SAYS the right things as she is trying to prove them to you. NOT rushing is wise....
She isn't going anywhere. Many of you have been where she is. How many of you gave up after one week?
I can't recall any.. Some are still on here going on YEARS. Some are saying they will wait forever..
She needed to grow through this crisis. This is when SHE will grow as a person. This is when the light will come on...
Get back to being happy. Get back to staying confident. No matter who you end up with you need to be a happy, confident, secure man. Before you worried about her not coming back.
Some people just are addicted to worry. I hope you haven't just changed from one worry to a new one. That would make your issue "worry" and not a relationship issue...
I agree. She needs to WORK for it. Make her prove her LOVE and RESPECT to you. God only knows how long this betrayal has been going on... What if you found out that she has been cheating for years??? SHe is just emotionally reacting right now on "wanting what she cant have..." This is still a very immature reaction. Like Gucci said. Now is the time to see how serious and mature she really is....
You have arrived...at WAH. Are you content with that?
REALLY??? Are you really saying that to me? I've done nothing wrong. I have not gone outside my marriage, done all the things that she's done, etc. Maybe I'm not understanding your point but seriously? WTF?
Phoenix will probably want to respond to this, but I thought I would just mention that going from LBS to WAS is not a bad thing. Don't feel insulted. It doesn't mean you are like her or have done anything wrong, it just means you have taken back control in the R. He is simply asking you now that you have the power to choose, do you want to move on or not?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Apparently from her e-mail, she's upset about her son getting his gf pregnant and turned to you for comfort.
You can be angry, it's okay. You HAVE been through a lot with this woman, and yet, you are still on a divorce busting site and not in the surviving the big D section, so I presumed that you were still interested in restoring your marriage. Considering all that has happened, no one would argue that you haven't tried and that the right thing may be to move on and never look back. I'm trying to figure out whether I should be writing advice geared towards restoring your marriage or not. I agree with the Gucci approach towards getting them looking your way again, but after your spouse is asking to come back, the rules have to change and an effort made to let your spouse back in. But that applies to if you are still wanting a marriage. If you don't, then you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Agree with your post....if she's serious she probably isn't going anywhere.
Part of my "reach out a tiny bit" type attitude is that the WAS often sh$ts on the LBS and doesn't seem to care how the struggling LBS feels. The WAS continues to push away the LBS and can turn pretty vicious. When the LBS is suddenly the one that controls whether there is a relationship, I'd like to think that we are above that. Maybe knowing the pain the LBS feels, I hate the thought of putting another person through it. I wasn't quite in AFWAWs shoes...I was already divorced and my wife wasn't habitually jumping back and forth, but when I felt she was sincere I gave her a chance. I'd suggest much less for AFWAW...but I don't know if it would hurt to throw her a crumb. Obviously, if AFWAW isn't interested (or doesn't know) whether he wants to even explore a relationship with his wife again, then as he said, it would just be leading her on to even bend a little. That's what I was trying to figure out.
AF, sorry to offend. Anyway, when I asked about how you'd feel in 3 months if she said she was going to move on, I didn't mean if you are together again. I was meaning, if you don't let her back in a bit, but instead keep telling her it's over, and she eventually moves on (as you have), will you feel you missed a chance?
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 09/10/0908:46 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
