Stay the course. You know you don't want to live that life. And he isn't listening to you. It's not taking one for the team to sacrifice your being. That's not a partnership.
He is treating you like an object, like property. That's not a marriage. Only you can stop that. You are miserable now, but you are going to break the cycle. if you back down, you are going to be miserable for a long time.
I will stay the course- I've come too far this summer in my personal growth and examination to give myself up again. I'm seeing H in a whole new light lately, I'm not liking what I see and that's hard to accept. I'm sure he's not liking what he sees in me too.
Looking on the bright side (assuming I do get divorced)- I'll be an empty nester by the time I'm 44- still young enough to enjoy it!
He is abusive. I guarantee you, he will try to make you look like a nutjob. It serves his purpose.
You, my dear, are going to have to summon up the strength to stay calm and rational during these sessions. By all means, let loose once you're away from H and the MC, but in MC just listen, breathe, and keep your head in the game. If something feels emotional to you, then you may need to say, "You know, it's hard to say. I'd have to think about that." Something that buys you time to get calm enough to handle it rationally.
Your H treats you like a piece of meat, a plaything to control. He's used to getting his way, and he gets mean and manipulative when he doesn't get it.
You are far more valuable than he treats you. IMHO, this is what Bunny needs to learn and believe more than anything. When you value yourself, you are not willing to put up with *anyone's* BS, not even an H.
Yes, this process is painful, but on the other side you will feel so free, happy and light. Keep up with the IC. Keep working on discovering your value. Keep working on finding your voice and setting boundaries about how you deserve to be treated.
Your H is a miserable man...anyone who has the need to feed an addiction and to control others is not happy.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Honey, there is one word to describe your R right now - Toxic. This is very toxic to your mind, your body, your emotions and your sense of self-worth.
Of course he would project everything on you. He is so dead wrong. Morality aside, you tried the swinging in hopes it would save your M. You knew there were problems to begin with.
You have been gas-lighted by this man for years. Look it up. He has been abusive and your very first thought should be to save yourself and your children.
I highly agree about writing out your story and feelings for the MC. Let him show himself for what he is. Trained counselors can see these narcissistic, abusive men a mile away.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
H hasn't said anything about what he did to our couple's profiles. I don't know if he simply changed the passwords or actually deleted them. I didn't ask, I will tonight at the MC.
A big fear I have is that if he does agree to give up the swinging, it will weigh heavily on his mind and the resentment will build up over time. I know him- he doesn't let go of grudges and resentments. They erupt out of him like a volcano after a long time of sitting dormant. I've had first hand experience with that, I'm very concerned that it will happen again. I mentioned this fear to him previously, and he responded that I was asking him to give up something he really enjoyed, and be happy about it. Well, I guess I am. I want him to give it up because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, not to merely pacify me. He threatened earlier this summer that if he gave up swinging, he "would reach a point where he couldn't take it anymore and would have to do something about it." He wasn't joking. Later he said that I was making too much out of that statement, that cheating was just a possibility, not a definite. That really doesn't make me feel any better...
The GASLIGHT Effect. You change to avoid him saying or doing something, out of fear, intimidation, to make peace, whatever. WRONG, all wrong and TOXIC!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
When no sympathy or support for the hurt feelings are available, more times than not it is due to the Gaslighting abuser not wanting to empathize with their spouse/girlfriend because he would then have to take responsibility as having been the one who caused the hurt... Overall, the victim starts to realize she needs to be careful when relying on her own perceptions of life. Sometimes clarity will filter through the hogwash of her abuser and she feels she may need to stop having sex with him, as a protective means to herself; but sexual moments usually become the only time she is given his attention and what was "love" at one time. It is hard for the victim to let go of, and usually is prompted by the victim simply to have a familiar moment with her "soul mate."
