I think it is just too late. I think he is too far gone and there is nothing I can do to save it. He hates me and he wants OUT and he will stop at nothing until he gets that. I will not file. WILL NOT! I dont agree to this..Just help! Please help! I feel lost and sad and that nothing I do will help! He cannot stand to be around me!!!
I have lost ALL my self esteem. I feel sorry for my kids. Everytime I get power he breaks me down. Everything I say is wrong..it is his way or the highway. Last night he said again he could not trust me..he said if you said the sky was blue I would look up to see..I said why dont you trust me and he said the marriage is just over. I said you are not going to treat me like this anymore and he says things like I yelled at him or I am crazy..If he would have just told me how he felt and opened up to me when the situation was happening then we would not be where we are today. For 10 years he has done things like said mean things when he was drinking, and then apologized the next day. I have emails from him apologizing..until he stopped apologizing..he blames. he brings up the past. he holds grudges and he takes something that I feel and makes me feel stupid about it..he discounts my feelings..on everything and then blames me later..he goes along with things and then I pay 3 years later. HELP! HELP! HELP! Is there ANYWAY to save this..the book says sometimes done means they are DONE!
One last thing..does he really hate me that much? he had not one ounce of love for me except for the mother of his children. In a matter of 5 months I went from being someone that he wanted to grow old with and spend the rest of his life with to his best friend the only person he had in this world, to his friend, to loving me as the mother of his children, to caring about me as the mother of his children to hating me. All in 5 months..now he cannot stand to be around me..yet he hangs out with me until he goes to bed. I dont get it. I really do not. This is not affecting him at all...Does he get what this is going to do? Does he understand that d is FINAL..I..am most def. in crisis bc I feel as if there is NOTHING i can do...HIs mind IS MADE UP!
Swimming…. Do you have a therapist? You need one. They’re great and can really help you see thing more clearly. I think this board is a truly a marriage saver, but you need a professional you can speak with face to face. If you can, please do. Therapy wasn’t something I ever believed in, but I have a therapist now and I love her. She’s made a huge impact on me and mental well being. I now adore this woman. Swimming, have you ever stood up to him? Have you ever showed him your backbone? Have you ever let him know, I will not be treated this way? When my H left in November, he went to stay with a friend. In February I had enough and he royally pissed me off and I moved in with a friend, leaving the house and forcing his ass back in the house. (Where we live there are different laws about leaving the house….as long as you are still paying, you are still entitled, etc.) So I went on a vacation to see my friends and family back home. While I was packing for that, I was also moving my stuff back to my home. I told him when I got back I would be living there again. He said ok and was very agreeable. I never asked him if he was going to stay there too. So when I got back, we lived together for about two weeks, maybe longer. He said he was going to find his own place. When he did and got his parents to pay for it….he was planning to move on a Saturday, but first he went out for a round of golf in the morning. By the time he got home, I had my SUV packed full of his crap. He was dumbfounded. And now in hindsight, that’s when I think it first hit him, “Stronger isn’t afraid of a life without me.” Basically, I’m rambling but my point is this: Every time I showed H my backbone and let him know I wanted be treated a particular way, that’s when I got the most attention, respect and saw progress. Now, I don’t want you to agree to that legal separation. Did your lawyer inform you that all it takes to turn that legal separation into a divorce is a few adjustments and it’s done? I see the pro’s for legal separation, but I definitely see more cons to it. Just my opinion, don’t do it.
We dont have a lawyer...but a dissoultion is when both parties agree to all terms..I do not want a D nor do I agree with it. I have been to therapy and it does not help..I dont know if it is because I am one of those people that have to get it on my own for it to click..he talked to my mom and she said this is all coming from his sister..and I know it is..he said he has not been happy in 10 years and my mom called him out..she said I know you pretty well and you lived w us for 2 years..she thinks he is running. she said he blames me for everything. he said when two people are not happy they should leave each other..she called him out again and said there have been many unhappy times in my 40 years of marriage but you have to work through them or you will deal with the same issues in your next relationship or in your life..I have decided to keep posting here for support..not worry about him and anytime he brings up his unhappiness I will leave the house or room...I wont let it get that far anymore. I am going to show him he can have a happy life with me my mom said she thinks he thinks he will have this happy life without me..she said he is in for a rude awakening..and no I have no backbone..i usually do not stand up for myself because he will argue any point I have and partly bc I am afraid of him leaving..for now..I will focus on myself and my children...I have given up enough of my time for him. Stronger..I admire you and I am so glad you give me such awesome support! thank you! So..could you help me make a plan?? do you think this marriage is salvagable?
Last edited by swimmingupstream; 09/10/0903:38 PM.
But I do believe with all my heart, you can have a new marriage, with your same H.
Do you understand? Do you understand you need to, at the right time convey to him that you agree, this marriage is dead, but you are opened to the idea of a new relationship with him and that new relationship would start with getting to know each other again, and find out the new facets about each other, and taking the old things that were good and keeping them? That's where you are.
Your marriage is dead. But really, did you want to keep that marriage? I don't think so.
Your new game plan: Create a new better and stronger relationship with H.
First, stand up for yourself. The truth of the matter is that all of us are judged at how we handle tough situations. This is one of the toughest things you will face. So you need to figure out how to handle this with self respect and dignity. For example, if your H starts to beat you down verbally, you validate what is legitmate and ignore the rest.
I think the first order of business is you have to stand up to him. If he has a legitmate issue...for example, you spend too much money, (I'm not saying you do, just an example) tell him "I'm glad you brought that to my attention. I agree, that's an area I need to work on for sure." And then work on that. But if he says "You're just a big fat doo-doo head," you simply walk away. If you can't, say "I'm not and please, let's not name call. We have enough legitimate stuff we could be talking about and working out that I don't see that there's any room for name calling. I won't do it to you, please give me the same respect." And be calm. If he continues to do it, walk away.
You are a good person Swimming. You deserve to be treated as such. But you basically have to demand he treat you the way you want to be.
I'm with you swimming. I don't know how to have a backbone. I'm here trying to salvage my marriage - or build a new one as stronger says - and I'm getting screamed at and blamed left and right. We need to support each other on the back bone thing!
Hi Stronger..Thank you for checking on me..I do have a few questions for you..see below
I made a therapy appt. I was about ready to kick him out because I could not take it anymore. He was very mean cold and distant on Friday night so I began to ignore him. My mom and I talked, she said NO MAN is worth this..NO MAN! She said you are a strong person and you can do this alone. You have family support and friends that care about you. SO..from there, I continued to ignore, took the pressure off of him, we went to d soccer game, to a festival, I took s for a run with me, I did not badger. After the festival and after 3 days of not drinking he went off on me, I ignored him, "our" friend( more like a dad, in his 50's, but orignially H friend) came over, H drank, was mean and cold. I decided to ignore him more, I hung out with "our" friend and H went to bed. Our friend and I ran to the store and then had a long talk about H. Friend said leave him alone and walk away when he gets mad. You have 2 children together and you need to try to make this work. But once H has his mind set on something he thinks he is right and that is the end of that. An odd turn of events H was nice to me..Did stuff around the house..went to zoo with us, and it was a nice day..H started drinking and so I went to bed early to make sure he did not have an opportunity to tell me how he felt. So, I think I am getting it. It is hard to fall back into my needy ways when he is nice. Not sure if there is an OW or not..still up in the air. H friend says he does not think there is because he had an opportunity to take advantage of that while I was gone for 4 days. So..that is where I am at. It is just the way he is acting makes me think there is someone else. However, I started to think..How pathetic and sad when a person has an affair, how awful must you think of yourself to stoop to that level..I AM THE BETTER PERSON! I have been running ALOT again and my H even said good job to me..I am not holding my breath...Many people think he is playing games with me..Do you think a H that would want a divorce would go out as a family? What do you think?? Do you think there is OW?
Oh I have not badgered him for 6 days now..Yeah me! No R talk..no future talk..nothing. I have also learned a few things about the mistakes I have made in our marriage such as taking all of the responsiblity so that makes me a bit controlling such as helping him get jobs and doing his stuff when we were in school. I need to stop doing that and if it falls apart then he has no one to blame but himself. This is a marriage not me being his mother. I have 2 children to mother. As tough as it is to hear I get it now. I get that I have done so many things wrong in our marriage. I was just afraid if I did not do it he wouldn't. I have deciced not to baby him anymore. he needs to learn to speak up if he does not like something..not tell me 4 years later. I am responsible for myself and myself alone. I am tired of his "friend" and family making excuses for him..they blame me for everything as do I turn around and blame myself. But it is NOT my fault anymore. Today, I found myself falling back into my old habits and getting stressed about it. such as getting the oil changed, doing 4 loads of laundry( that is a 180 for me..trust me..I used to be so freakin' messy) making dinner( another 180) vaccuming the car, washing the car, sending out D birthday invites( I handmake them every year) So I had no time to run and no time to breathe..these are most of my days..now I am at work..only time to relax because I know once I get home it starts again..H does not help at all.and I do not ask him because he thinks it is all my responsibility, putting kids to bed, giving them baths, homework..ect....
