I'm sorry your evening went like this. Don't forget though he has been 'done' before. You're still in game. It sounds like you're controlling yourself a lot better now too.
You should be proud of your personal growth.
If you decide you're done it's your decision, but you should still be proud of your changes.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
He is really stressed about money. I feel so bad because I don't work and he works so hard. Granted I take care of our child and I work part time but it's only about 20% of our income. He thinks I should get a higher paying job.
I can't help but think that all this lawyer stuff is costing extra money - so it's his choice to spend it, and for his other apt. But that's not the way he sees it. I don't know how he sees it. But he is really stressed from running his own business and not taking time off.
I feel like all the work I did the past month to calm him down, get him to come closer, soften up, and talk to me reasonably has gone out the window. I'm so sad.
Hope, you can't control him.
Quote:
He thinks I should get a higher paying job.
What do YOU think?
This is a time that you have to be alittle selfish and protect yourself. That isn't wrong, it's just being smart.
Nope. He doesn't and the best way for her to see it clearly is to keep your mouth shut. She will do the exact opposite and think the exact opposite of anything coming out of your mouth.You say nothing, she'll see it on her own. Took me a long time to figure that crap out, but my H's OW was screwing with me, sending emails, and text messages but in secret. H was fed up with that crap and then she pulled much much more crap that I couldn't have written it was so bad! But eventually, he saw it for himself. And that's what it's going to have to be for you....W will see it.
Thanks Stronger. You know, I know that instinctively- having 3 sisters of my own- it's just easier said than done! Although my patience has evolved considerably during my sitch it's still painfully hard to wait for my W to figure out the obvious!
Unfortunately, OM is too big of a wuss to even contact me electronically- he likes to hide behind my W's skirt and criticize me in his conversations with her- then I get to hear about it third hand from either my W or my BIL.
Here we go again hijacking Hope's thread. Sorry Hope. Hey Stronger, why don't you drop on by my thread sometime? Appreciate the feedback.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
AGreed. Let's just not bring it up to them. OP gains so much more power when we act all threatened. Let it alone. It's temporary. It's a fantasy. It's fog. And, it's not the real issue between the married couple. It's a distraction, a symptom, and a panacea. The real issues are there lurking under the surface. They are new, that is their main advantage. No baggage. But that won't last. EVeryone has baggage that comes out eventually.
Great points Hope. Hang in there. Things will get better.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I'm ok with the hijack. I watch your posts anyhow. I always learn from others' sitches.
I have no idea what kind of higher paying job I could have - especially part time iwth a little one. I like my life but he thinks I could consult on all kinds of things - I just don't know.
I can't help but feel like - hey, H moved out, H wants the lawyers - now he comes home and yells at ME for all the extra money this costs? Where is the responsibility for his part in getting us here too. I've been doing well doing my changes, taking responsiblity for my part in our problems, he is the one frankly who is hiding out and continuing the same old pattern of blow ups and blame.
Sigh. I want him home. I don't want all these thousands of dollars taken out of our savings. But this is his choice - so why the hell is he yelling at me? The way things were before, we could afford our lifestyle. This is just crazy. Help!
Hi Hope, Just wanted to check in and say hello. Only thing you can do here is come out of this a better person either way. You sound a lot stronger than you think. Thanks for posting to me awhile back, I remember what you said about lying in bed and crying for a few days and then letting the reality of it hitting you and that you will be OK. My situation has gotten to that stage where H is really pushing for D/signing papers, and I do't think there's anything I can do to convince. I think my M is over. It's really hard, as you know, but all we can do is survive, carry on, and try to better ourselves in the process.
He sounds like he's at the end of his rope. Are you sure he even has a lawyer?
I think it's time to 180 your butt off here.
Oh yeah, he has a lawyer.
What do you mean "End of his rope" and which 180s are you referring to.
I did all my 180s yesterday in terms of staying calm, not reacting, and having compassion for his stress. Usually I would have blown my lid right back and he could have blamed me for everything. He eventually did appologize last night.
After a brutal day of yelling at me and S.
Please, STronger remind me of what you think I should do here - your advice has been a lifeline to me. THanks!
