Time to be tough with him hhh. Don't let him walk all over you. If the M is over it is over. Advice that I got was that being tough with the D and not letting my W do whatever she wanted and take whatever will not have any effect on whether or not she comes home. In fact if I do stand up for myself it will be better for both of us. Be tough with your H don't have to me mean or anything just don't make it easy on him and make sure that you are fair to him and most importantly to yourself. The D can't look all sunny to him and he will have to have consequences for ending the M.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
I'm so sorry to hear about this hhh. It's a lot for you to take. I think, like others have posted, take the time out, and spend it being good to yourself and recharging your mental batteries.
Take a look around this forum, many WASs pressed the D button, but it's not always the end of the road. While you should not hold onto false hopes, keep to your principles. DB for your own sake, and see if it creates any change in your sitch even as you may have to walk the D route.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
hhh one more thing. Do not call/text or contact him. Let him really think about what is going on and that you are moving on. Let everything be about you right now and nothing to do with him. It will be hard as feeling the end getting even closer you will want to reach out to him and try and talk him out of this. But don't. It will only make you feel worse.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Thanks guys...I know I am still trying to DB to the extent I can, for myself and also the M. I feel like I do need to stand my ground more in the weeks/months ahead, and am going to try to plan some fun activities and/or travels to look forward to. We've been together since 21 so the idea of starting over (haven't dated since college!) is definitely daunting. It's almost like, no one is perfect and at least I know his faults/flaws and I'd rather take them then jump out into the great unknown!
I think he's getting pressure from somewhere to move along and make this happen quickly... either from an OW(?) or, he is starting his new job mid-oct and I think also wants to fill out all his tax forms and everything as single for benefits/breaks etc. Just wants a clean start. He told me "oh I want to be there for you and help you" B.S. That's what my mom told him 2months ago when he called her, she said 'i hope you can be kind to each other in this process, and help each other out" He was just toting that line and said he was going to call my mom again this week to see how she was doing... I don't know why, it's like he's trying to be the nice guy to her. He hasn't been there for me one iota these past 8 months, anyway!
I think I will also call his fam this weekend to say 'goodbye' in a sense... the thing is I don't feel like I'm operating from fear anymore..I thought of calling them awhile ago, but it was more fear-based (to see if i could get him back). Now if I do call it would be more for me and b/c I think it's just a kind, right thing to do.
I am still sad, no doubt, but trying to grasp reality of it all. from a DB/marriage saving perspective, probably nothing more I can do at this point, I guess? Thoughts?
Thanks all...those on this site certainly know what this feels like, my thoughts are w you all as well too. While it's wonderful to hear success stories, I don't want to get false hopes up (and maybe in some way those hopes have prevented me from moving on). I want hope, but it's a double-edged sword, hope feels good but also can hold you back.. others feel this way ever? Kindly, Hilary
More often than I care to remember during the bad times hhh, more often than I care to remember.
Although my W never did file or walk out (though we both talked enough of doing it), the best case scenario at one point seemed like W would stay on for the kids and we would try to be friends, and I would live with a W who gave up her true love out of a sense of duty, but whose love will always be for another. I'm not saying either path is easy, but I felt then (and still do now) that that's harder than walking away and moving on.
I hope you continue to be here for a while longer - if nothing else, you will find support and advice in the months ahead, which won't be easy on you whichever way it swings.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I very sorry to hear about your situation, but it’s not over yet. Our DR book says to never give up!
The suggestions I’m about to give is coming out of my own playbook in the event my marriage ends, so please take it with a grain of salt. There’s probably nothing you’re going to be able to say or do to change your husband’s mind at this time, so be agreeable to the divorce. Tell him it’s a good idea and long overdue. Wish him all the best. Be nice. Be confident.
Focus intense energy on yourself. .. improve yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. Let your husband go…set him free…if he loves you he’ll return. Start spending a lot time with family and friends. Become the person you always wanted to be. Start to meet new people, whether it’s through hobbies, church, etc…you just never know when or where you’re going to meet Mr. Right. Begin to reconstruct your life. I know…easier said than done…but you have no other choice. You can do it! And you never know…all of this just might draw your husband back to you. Never say never!
God gives us exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever need…you’re going to be just fine. Quite possibly, this all may be a blessing in disguise for you. A good friend of mine divorced about 15 years ago (w/ two daughters). He thought his life was surely over; however, he has since met the “love of his life” and can’t be happier. Life is a journey, not a destination…be hopeful.
God Bless, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Thank you ALL for your kinds words and thoughts. I am trying to believe in fate as much as I can...that there is a reason why this is all happening and in the end I will be OK. But I woke up this morning with that weird panicky feeling that I'm sure is so familiar to us all: "is this really my life?" Yikes and scary feeling...missing the old memories but they also feel so far away now. Listening to H's voice when we talked on the phone the other day and he sounded so distant, like an awkward friend, almost.
Staying busy is key. I went out for a drink with a girlfriend last night - trying to accept all invites these days - and 2 guys at the bar hitted on me. Flattering, yes, and makes me realize what a big world it is and how many people there are out there, but after awhile that gets old and you want the comfort of a stable, long-term relationship (with the right person of course). Being along is weird, but I have lots of wonderful girlfriends so even thought to myself briefly the other night 'well if i don't meet a great man again I will be OK' Now of course I want a H and a family, and never thought I'd get D - but moments like these do help. Living in the present, acutely. One day at a time.
So it seems there are 2 schools of thought. Agree to the divorce, as I've learned pressing/convincing otherwise does not work. I couldn't help but calmly ask for Retrovaille again when we talked the other night (even though i probably knew it was a dead end) b/c we were almost at the end. Stronger suggests not make it easy for them, fight the divorce - but won't that likely just push H away more? While a friendship would be hard maybe it would be better to have a casual friendship, if possible. (Might also help chances of reconciliation if he ever is open to it...see the good in me as a person/friend again).
I think H wants to do the mutual consent forms...have us both on the same page and agree amicably to D. My stance this whole time has been more along the lines of 'i dont want this or want to sign, he can do the work behind it if he really wants to file, i can't stop him but i won't help him'. I mentioned this to my friend last night and she pointed out that he probably just wants to keep things amicable. I do think that is true...he sees it as a civil more kind route all around (if there is anyway to make this process 'kind'). I get that. So I feel a litle stuck b/w a rock and a hard place. I pray for wisdown and advice here.
I will use this time as an opportunity to connect w old friends and make new ones... it's true that while I've been visiting my family and friends in CA a lot more lately I've reconnected with dear old friends that I otherwise may not have if I was not going through this.
I think LFA said awhile ago 'god only gives us what we can deal w at the time' true. i couldn't have dealt w this 4-5 months ago...i would have literally fallen apart. i am sad now but i am able to function...even have some bright days and laughs. Don't get me wrong though, i'd still give anything for H back...but I've kind of given up trying to change his mind at this point. I know I need to focus on ME right now, but there is a small piece of me of course that wants to carry myself out in the best DB fashion for M purposes. I need to stop that..there is no M right now.
So sad how M is so disposable these days. I get it if/when my M ends (it's definitely more a when than 'if' these days), what's hard to grasp is someone not even trying to give the chance to work things out, try everything first if you will, before throwing in the towel. I think my H does not want to do any of the work req'd here. I can't change that, I know.
Get tough and get a good lawyer and take charge. Negotiate YOUR best deal now while she is acting flexible. The best time to get your best deal is when they want out and have their mind on someone else. They will give you much more because they feel like they just want it over with... GET YOUR BEST DEAL NOW...
It will actually be an advantage for you in the long run. IF she comes back, part of the reason is that reality hit that she left with nothing. It won't effect whether she comes back or not if you get tough with the negotiations. Not a bit. It will actually get you some respect.
If she starts trying to talk to you about the divorce, tell her it is in your lawyer's hands and out of yours. Let the lawyer get you the best deal possible. Think of YOU.
It is up to you how you want to handle it. Can you be friends when or if the D goes through? Look out for yourself and do what you want to do in this. Be fair to yourself. If you go through this with him on his terms are you going to give into what he wants as a way to get him back or will you be able to stand up for what is rightfully yours.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Thank you GB! This is really helpful. Similar situations and time together that we are both in too. I don't think there is any way to get him back at this point. I just don't want it to turn nasty - I won't feel good about myself either if it does, but also don't want to have him walk all over me. All of our expenses have always been separate and we don't currently own property, just rent, so it would be relatively simple in the scheme of things, no kids, etc. But he's done things I didn't think he would do past few months so you never know what he'll pull this time. I am going to talk to a lawyer in a few weeks, just to educate myself about MA laws (no fault state)... when I spoke to retrouvaille folks awhile ago they said some judges will even mandate counseling if one insits before things become final. But it seems like that would just make him more bitter.
Either way, I'm going to look out for myself. It would be weird if he just now wanted half our furniture or claim to things that were mine before we married (when he left and I've helped fund his tuition and our rent past couple years).
Good luck to you too...I'll check out your thread shortly. Thanks for posting to mine. Kindly, hhh
