Thank you ALL for your kinds words and thoughts. I am trying to believe in fate as much as I can...that there is a reason why this is all happening and in the end I will be OK. But I woke up this morning with that weird panicky feeling that I'm sure is so familiar to us all: "is this really my life?" Yikes and scary feeling...missing the old memories but they also feel so far away now. Listening to H's voice when we talked on the phone the other day and he sounded so distant, like an awkward friend, almost.
Staying busy is key. I went out for a drink with a girlfriend last night - trying to accept all invites these days - and 2 guys at the bar hitted on me. Flattering, yes, and makes me realize what a big world it is and how many people there are out there, but after awhile that gets old and you want the comfort of a stable, long-term relationship (with the right person of course). Being along is weird, but I have lots of wonderful girlfriends so even thought to myself briefly the other night 'well if i don't meet a great man again I will be OK' Now of course I want a H and a family, and never thought I'd get D - but moments like these do help. Living in the present, acutely. One day at a time.
So it seems there are 2 schools of thought. Agree to the divorce, as I've learned pressing/convincing otherwise does not work. I couldn't help but calmly ask for Retrovaille again when we talked the other night (even though i probably knew it was a dead end) b/c we were almost at the end. Stronger suggests not make it easy for them, fight the divorce - but won't that likely just push H away more? While a friendship would be hard maybe it would be better to have a casual friendship, if possible. (Might also help chances of reconciliation if he ever is open to it...see the good in me as a person/friend again).
I think H wants to do the mutual consent forms...have us both on the same page and agree amicably to D. My stance this whole time has been more along the lines of 'i dont want this or want to sign, he can do the work behind it if he really wants to file, i can't stop him but i won't help him'. I mentioned this to my friend last night and she pointed out that he probably just wants to keep things amicable. I do think that is true...he sees it as a civil more kind route all around (if there is anyway to make this process 'kind'). I get that. So I feel a litle stuck b/w a rock and a hard place. I pray for wisdown and advice here.
I will use this time as an opportunity to connect w old friends and make new ones... it's true that while I've been visiting my family and friends in CA a lot more lately I've reconnected with dear old friends that I otherwise may not have if I was not going through this.
I think LFA said awhile ago 'god only gives us what we can deal w at the time' true. i couldn't have dealt w this 4-5 months ago...i would have literally fallen apart. i am sad now but i am able to function...even have some bright days and laughs. Don't get me wrong though, i'd still give anything for H back...but I've kind of given up trying to change his mind at this point. I know I need to focus on ME right now, but there is a small piece of me of course that wants to carry myself out in the best DB fashion for M purposes. I need to stop that..there is no M right now.
So sad how M is so disposable these days. I get it if/when my M ends (it's definitely more a when than 'if' these days), what's hard to grasp is someone not even trying to give the chance to work things out, try everything first if you will, before throwing in the towel. I think my H does not want to do any of the work req'd here. I can't change that, I know.
