The adventure chronicles

[AFWAW]

Wow, just like how my W uses our little kids to pull me back over and over. She knows how I'll always put their needs above my issues with her.

I understand your conflict about this. If she just needed you to act as a father here, she wouldn't have laced her e-mail with "I need you", "I'm aching to see you", "I love you", etc. This is about her. If you feel you should take some action with her to address the situation with your SS, then definitely do it, but you could make it clear to her this is about HIM, not HER.

Thought about this one since last night and I'm going to choose not to respond. SS is an adult and if he wants me to know, he will tell me. And you are correct, the wife should not have sent me that email in the context that she did. If SS needs or wants advice or assistance, I'm sure he'll let me know. It sounds as if she is using this as an excuse to contact me instead.

[gucci loafer]

Very good.. Impressive.... You seem to have arrived....

[Phoenixdeux]

AF,

You have arrived...at WAH. Are you content with that? The e-mail actually wasn't about the step-son, as was pointed out, it was a plea for you to comfort her. I've never been the the WAH point where I wouldn't have, so I can't even offer understanding. I would definitely have caved in.

So, are you just done? No more marriage and no more hope? No more room for trust or forgiveness? Remember how it felt when the shoe was on the other foot and it was you wanting her back? If there is a chance you'll take her back, I'd offer to meet with her and discuss things. Find out in person whether she is truly remorseful and wants a second chance. If there isn't, then I guess I'd still console her and tell her that it's too late.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If there is a chance you'll take her back, I'd offer to meet with her and discuss things. Find out in person whether she is truly remorseful and wants a second chance.

Phoenix,

While this sounds reasonable, here's the problem I see that AFW is going to have with that:

What can his wife POSSIBLY say, in one meeting, that would outweigh what she has done, repeatedly and over time, that would be convincing?

She is in a mindset right now where she will SAY, ANYTHING, to get him to take her back. I think John needs to weigh the emotional duress she is under, and those words, very carefully against her demonstrated long-term behavior and repeated infidelity and lack of character, don't you?

Puppy

[Phoenixdeux]

Puppy,

I struggled with whether to say anything here because some of this is way out of character for me. When my wife told me she loved me still and wanted to try again, I didn't make her work at it. I gave it a chance. She made promises and she's kept them. It's been good. So obviously my feelings are clouded. I don't know his wife. If it's truly over with OM and she truly wants to give it a shot...I just don't know how much pushing away he should do.

AFWAW, ask yourself this. If your wife switched gears in three months and said she knows she needs to move on and has found someone new, how will you feel?

Because of the back and forth stuff I suppose that he should be cautious, but it sounds too me like AF is really strong now and won't be so easily hurt. If she lets him down he could easily kick her to the curb. But I was only talking about openng the door a tish....not letting her walk through it.

[Kettricken]

I maintain my opinion that if she has changed and grown, she would be showing John some respect by giving him what he needs and has clearly articulated -- space and time.

Talk is cheap, and I can't imagine why he should believe her, *absent any concrete demonstration of remorse*. This latest contact -- although I certainly don't doubt her distress -- still reeks of attempted manipulation to get what *she* wants. IMHO.

I would never say, "Slam the door and lock it," although I would certainly understand that choice. However, I sure don't think this is a time for "all is forgiven, open arms," either. What she needs to fix, she needs to fix it on her own two feet, by herself, on her own. Again, IMHO.

[The Wifey]

A part of me wonders if AF has finally arrived at that strong point beyond the pain and just doesn't want to go back there. Again, it is his choice, but I don't think it should be made right now.

He does know how it is to have the shoe on the other foot. It is extremely hurtful for a spouse to go outside of a marriage and have a PA. Nearly unforgivable, yet........ there have been marriages that have survived and thrived beyond the A.

I think AF needs to give this some more time, more thought, and more time away from this board to think on his own without our opinions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would never say, "Slam the door and lock it," although I would certainly understand that choice. However, I sure don't think this is a time for "all is forgiven, open arms," either. What she needs to fix, she needs to fix it on her own two feet, by herself, on her own. Again, IMHO.

Yep. Or, as I like to say: "This is your mess -- you need to clean it up."

And then let THEM do the lifting!

Puppy

[Phoenixdeux]

she would be showing John some respect by giving him what he needs and has clearly articulated -- space and time.

Really? Is that what almost every single person on here has done when they want to show love and respect, give space and time? She is behaving exactly like a LBS...over the top. AFWAW has essentially "dropped the bomb" and she's acting just as you probably did (and I did)....started in with the "I'll change" and "we can make this work".

Agree with above...no rush here and obviously it's ultimately your decision.

P.S. I didn't say anything about greeting her with open arms. I was saying that the road to reconciliation starts somewhere, and it can start small. It all depends on whether reconciliation is even desired. If he's now officially the WAS...then it's time for him to move on, and time for us to start coaching his wife on winning him back.

[AFWAW]

You have arrived...at WAH. Are you content with that?

REALLY??? Are you really saying that to me? I've done nothing wrong. I have not gone outside my marriage, done all the things that she's done, etc. Maybe I'm not understanding your point but seriously? WTF?

So, are you just done?

I don't think I'm just done. I think it took 7 months of deception, infidelity and cruelty on my wife's part to get me where I am today. So no, it took some time to get here.

No more marriage and no more hope? No more room for trust or forgiveness?

I'm still pondering on this one and I probably will right up until the appointment with my lawyer early next week. If I had to choose this second, then no.

Remember how it felt when the shoe was on the other foot and it was you wanting her back?

I do, it was absolutely the worst time in my life and I've been to war twice.

If there isn't, then I guess I'd still console her and tell her that it's too late.

Console her about what? I don't understand, I'm trying, believe me but if I do that wouldn't I be doing the same thing she did to me--giving me false hope?

Phoenixdeux,
I am trying to understand what you are trying to say and I appreciate you input but as you can gather from my response, I'm a little perplexed and angry honestly. If I'm misreading what you are trying to say, please forgive me.