Thanks Sandi. It may be foreplay for some women, but I don't think I'm M'd to one of them!
You know, on the attraction to her issue, I am actually having to work to keep myself interested in her. And that concerns me. I feel more like I'm fighting to keep my family together rather than wanting my W. I know that sounds bad to say, but it's the truth.
I know some (most/all?) of my feelings are b/c she is not meeting my needs right now and my love tank has been on empty for a while. And, Sara wisely pointed out a few days ago that this is precisely why we do not trust our "feelings." I completely agree on that issue. But, I also know what I feel.
I know those "feelings" are most likely just in hibernation and are waiting for the thaw to re-appear. But, when the thaw happens is out of my hands.
I know exactly what you're feeling! Tonight the W is out of town on business and I don't even miss her. I took the kids out to dinner this evening to The Loop where we had pizza and played video games. I couldn't have been happier. I put the kids to bed and read several golf magazines. I was content. How can this be? Shouldn't I miss my W? What does this mean? It's down to 36 days till Retrovaille and I starting to have second thoughts about attending. I had such a strong weekend all by myself that it's spilled over into the week. Again, I don't understand. I'm starting to see a future w/o my W and I'm o.k. with it; however, I'm not o.k. with potentially spending less time with my kids. Is this just part of the hideous rollercoaster ride we're on? I'm not intelligent enough to figure this out on my own.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
I haven't dropped in before, but have just read through your thread. Your last post about an empty love tank got me, because that is what I was told I could have just the other day.
When my H kissed me the other day for the first time in a very very long time, I felt nothing. That scared me a bit, but I like you am thinking empty love tank and the feelings are just in hiding until my H comes fully to his senses.
@LFH, we are feeling the same things. While I am ok with the possibility of no R with my W, I cannot say the same for my kids. And I think that is also where I'm supposed to be. We detach from our spouses, not our children. And if the worst happens, I won't like it, but I can handle it and I will STILL be VERY involved in my kids' lives. It will just be a little different.
@GFO, the love tank thing is important. Thanks to Puppy Dog Tails and Coach for teaching me that. The important thing to realize is that love is not a feeling, but a decision. So, even if we don't have those "feelings," it does not mean we don't love our spouses. It is a pretty strange place though.
We have to: - Detach to the point where we know we are going to be OK regardless of the outcome - in effect no longer care about the outcome.
- Get to the point where we can see the M, the R, and our S objectively - warts and all.
- Realize and admit that our "Love Tanks" are also empty, and that we are also not happy with the M the way it was or the way it is.
- Realize that we have to take positive steps to change the M - either to improve it or to move away from it ourselves - and then energize ourselves to start taking steps.
(all of this, of course, brings up the inevitable questions in our minds "Why do I want to be M'd to this person?" "Why do I want to do this if I am not happy?" "Why do I want to take this risk?")
So then we have to make one more step. We have to DECIDE to stay engaged (even though we are not happy and not currently getting what we need)and COMMIT to continue working on the M (even though there is no guarantee that it will work out in the long run)
Not easy to do. I've been ready to walk away a few times.
For me, the trick has been to focus on keeping myself happy (to minimize resentment so that I can give without expecting to receive in return) and to understand my W's point of view (because empathy counters anger)
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
That IS a great post. And it captures precisely how I think and feel about where I am right now.
You know what's funny is I was talking to a friend the other day and was trying to explain where I am. And I told him that despite what is going on with my M, I am happier than I have ever been (not with the M, but with myself). Which is both true and crazy sounding.
...despite what is going on with my M, I am happier than I have ever been (not with the M, but with myself). Which is both true and crazy sounding.
Yep - know it well. It is a pretty good place to be in.
I've had the same discussions with some of my friends who know what is going on in my life. I get some rather astonished looks when I smile happily and tell them my M still sucks.
Last edited by Thinker; 09/10/0903:38 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
For me, the trick has been to focus on keeping myself happy (to minimize resentment so that I can give without expecting to receive in return) and to understand my W's point of view (because empathy counters anger)
Nice Thinker.
Quote:
You know what's funny is I was talking to a friend the other day and was trying to explain where I am. And I told him that despite what is going on with my M, I am happier than I have ever been (not with the M, but with myself). Which is both true and crazy sounding.
that's the paradox. It feels good to be alive doesn't it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
