At least I haven't let H see me like this. As far as he knows, everything is just hunky-dory. I'm doing my best to keep it that way.
I feel like I did back in May when this all started. Things were better in June. Then blew up again right after the 4th. I started to GAL and felt stronger in late July/August. I really wish I could figure out what the set-back trigger is so I can fix it!
Dotty asked what has happened since the last call. Since there hasn't been a huge change or incident, I got the impression that maybe I should've waited a little longer to call.
She reminded me about reflective listening techniques I should be using, but since H doesn't want to talk to me about anything of substance, there has been only 1 opportunity to do so (regarding a plumbing issue). Of course, I froze and blew it. At least I didn't get defensive or argue though--just apologized and left the room.
She also reminded me of things I should be doing to entice him...dressing a bit more sexy, etc. And she told me I should be doing little favors, but acting like it's no big deal so as not to apply pressure. This kind of confuses me because I'm not sure how it fits in with GAL timewise.
I guess I'm not at a point where I should be detaching yet, though I almost feel like that would be best for my own emotional well-being at this point.
Umm...If you are capable of detaching, then DO IT NOW. Remember, detaching doesn't mean you put up the iron curtin. It means you treat him like a good friend.
For example, you text your good friend, "Hey what's up? Haven't heard from you in a couple of days...?" Let's say your good friend didn't respond until the next day and then just said "super super busy, call you later, take care." How would you handle that? For me, I do that all the time with all of my good friends because most of us are professional working moms and very busy, so I take no offense but want them to know I'm thinking of them. And I do the same to them, get the same "What's up?" text and don't answer it right away, because I'm in a meeting, I'm driving, I'm playing with S or tennis, etc. They too still care about me and don't stress.
Make sense?
Right now I bet if you did that with your H and he didn't respond until the next day you would grip about it the whole time....read into it, etc. Detaching would allow you to treat it as the same thing as a good friend not responding.
I see. I was thinking detaching meant I should just be going on my own way and not worrying about him. Like instead of having a family meal, just fixing something when D and I feel like it and if he wants to eat, fine, if not, fine.
We've never texted or called each other during the day just to say "what's up". So if I start now, is that pursuing?
We'll forward a funny joke or cartoon now and then if we think the other would especially enjoy it, but that's it. I'm still doing that.
Yes, that is detaching, making dinner for you and D and if he's in great, if not, you were going to eat anyways.
I would stop the contact all together. This is sort of insulting, what he's doing to you. It took me a long time to realize that and really I'm still very insulted about all of it but I do want to see if this can be worked out.
Now H and I are dating again. Very strange, but that's where we are. I will call or text him or email him once or twice a day. Normally, the email is logistical, dealing with bills. The texts and calls could be What's up? Or logistical. But that's where we are now, H and I. Before that, it was difficult but I tried to keep it tactical. H was actually the one to break down that wall and make it more social if you will.
If you've never done the what's up, then yes, it will seem like pursuing now.
I would stop the contact all together. This is sort of insulting, what he's doing to you. It took me a long time to realize that and really I'm still very insulted about all of it but I do want to see if this can be worked out.
I can't exactly stop contact. We're still in the same house, with the same bills to pay and we have a child together. Dotty says I should try to be a friend to him and invite him on casual outings.
I'm not sure what you're referring to as insulting. Would you mind clarifying?
Here's a question I forgot to ask Dotty about, how do I respond when he says I don't trust him and he's not sure he can live with that?
He had an EA and is trying to get it started back up again. He doesn't recognize it as such. He seems to think for it to be an EA, there has to be phone sex or telling fantasies of each other or something. He still maintains that they have never been anything more than friends. He doesn't see how she was pulling full buckets from his emotional well and leaving only drops for me (and our D).
I DID trust him (and still do physically), but it's getting harder and harder to do. I feel like the honorable man I know and love is lost to me now.
His accusations that you don't trust him are his way of getting you to say you do....it's rather childish. But you have to handle it the way you want.
I would say one of two things "Please don't tell me what I think or feel. I'm confused about it so how would anyone else know?" Or I would say "You're right about that." I guess you have a third option which is to say nothing.
Insulting. I've come to the decision, at least for me, that my H starting an EA was sort of insulting. Him having a PA, very insulting. Then to make me out to be the bad person, beyond rude. I've at least gotten an apology for the pain he caused and for some of his actions and words, but not for everything.
And of course, you live together so no going dark. But during the day, you can give him his space. Even at home you can do the same thing. He's having a nutty, leave the room, leave the house or ignore it.
And of course, you live together so no going dark. But during the day, you can give him his space. Even at home you can do the same thing. He's having a nutty, leave the room, leave the house or ignore it.
Heck yeah. He's been so even-keeled lately, if a bit cold, like suddenly we've gone back to before all this happened. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...
Thanks so much for all of your advice. You've been a huge help. I hope someday I can get to a place of wisdom and strength and pass it on.
