In Limbo

[Sara]

Working on herself? Or is she an alcoholic?

[d1adsl5a]

Wondering the same thing. I think a little of both...

[d1adsl5a]

Ok Sara--I could use your recommendation or any others for that fact. Yesterday was an interesting day. This has been going on a little over 4 months since my W dropped the bomb. For the first couple months, I was sleeping in our bed, a few nights then the couch depending on how we were getting along. Two months ago, I just switched to the couch. It was easier and I slept better.

Two nights ago, she says you don't have to sleep on the couch always. I can sometimes. My response was no, thats OK. Then last night she says why don't you just in the bed with me. We can be adult about this. The couch has to be uncomfortable for you. I sat in the bed for a minute then said, no I will sleep on the couch. "It reminds of what is still going on with us." I just don't want to feel that things are OK with us, when just two weeks ago she was saying I want out.

So do I start sleeping in our bed again or do I remain on the couch?? Why is she asking me to sleep in the bed again??

[Ms Jen]

Two months ago, I just switched to the couch. It was easier and I slept better

You asked for recommendations, right? LOL
I'd say if you sleep better and its easier, stay on the couch. When you feel like it- if you feel like it- you can come into the bed.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Why is she asking me to sleep in the bed again??

Well in my opinion, I don't f-ing know. And no one else here does either.

"It reminds of what is still going on with us."

Brilliant, nice little stab of guilt there.

She reached out, maybe trying to be a little nice, who the hell knows if there is anything underlying it. Sometimes when someone gives you a cup of coffee it is just a cup of coffee and it means nothing else.

If your comfortable on the couch stay on the couch, if you want to sleep in the bed sleep in the bed. But don't be a martyr about it, most certainly not outwardly. Chicks love it when guys suffer at their choices only in foreign films.

Am I being harsh? Maybe.

When is it ok to start acting like everything is ok? Like right the F now. Stop wearing your suffering on your sleeve. It is very unattractive and you NEED every advantage you can get.

It is unlikely that everything is fine and dandy in her world after just telling you she wants out only 2 weeks ago, however, how much time should have passed in your mind before she made the offer to sleep back in your bed? 2 months? 2 years? And who are you trying to make suffer?

DA, if you cannot forgive this woman, quit now. Don't waste her time or your time. If when everything comes to pass and you guys reconcile, it won't be because you remind her in your words and bearing that she had a MLC and it hurt you to your core.

If you prefer to sleep on the couch, do so. But don't be a d ick about it.

[d1adsl5a]

You know what, I don't know either. I don't think she probably does as well. I thought about the forgiveness part. I can forgive, but I will need to hear a few things from her or we will fall back to the old routine if we do ever reconcile.

-Love(I do know this would take time to come back
-Need to know she will support regardless(didn't have this when I had insomnia)
-Tell me what is wrong. Don't yell it.

I don't think this is all that much...

Not trying to be a martyr sleeping on the couch. I have told her a couple months back that it sucks waking up in the middle of the night and laying awake for hours thinking about things. On the couch, that doesn't happen.

[d1adsl5a]

Was a good day today. For the first time, I had my back bone. We were supposed to go to a gala dinner event next saturday. My wife invited me a couple weeks ago. I told her that, "I am making other plans. I really don't want to go with you. After what you said yesterday about only staying together for the kids, I need to have a little pride in myself. As I told you before, I cannot stay in a loveless marriage." I just walked out and that was it.

I felt good that I did that. I have been acting happy the last couple weeks. I think acting is the wrong word. I was happy. Starting to accept the consequences one way or the other. Knowing I will be OK if it does happen.

I just can't kiss her you know what anymore. I will not lose my sense of self through all of this.

[d1adsl5a]

When I was out with my sons saturday night, one got physically sick because mommy wasn't with us. I'm doing ok, but when we do things separately it is really hurting the kids.

The Wife and I haven't had an argument in a couple weeks. Sunday she started. There were just somethings I had to say. I followed up with a letter...I feel it was me setting my boundaries. First time I really did that...The letter was as follows.

"Woke up this morning thinking about the fight we had, about the kids, about us. It has been five months since this has started. When we have those kind of fights like yesterday, I feel like nothing has changed for you in five months. I have been working very hard on making a better me. I know that you are trying to make something of your self. I understand that is what you feel that will move you into the person you want to be. I do wonder how our marriage fits into that. You saw the anger in me yesterday because I do get tired of having the same argument. You still bring up the same issues every fight. We can’t move forward until you are able to work past those issues. That is part of the reason I questioned you the way I did on scheduling time with a Therapist to work on trying to move past those issues. It is frustrating when you see an avenue for you to work on things with a therapist and you don’t take it. Maybe you are thinking you can do it on your own. I don’t know because we don’t really talk about things all that much. When we do, it usually ends up the way it did on Sunday. You say you want to go to Retrouville to see if anything is left. I do believe that there is something left for you, otherwise you would have walked out the door by now or pushed for a divorce. One of the main things about Retrouville is about trying to put the past behind you and moving forward.



We can’t change what we said or how we acted in the first few months of this. I wasn’t in your shoes and you were not in mine. We have both had a hard time understanding what the pain has been like for each other. My intent has never been to slander you. You are the mother of Our children. Regardless, that doesn’t negate the reasons you wanting out of this marriage in the first place. I do wonder now what is holding you back from trying to work on us: I get mixed messages every argument. Yesterday it was what happened after you dropped the bomb of wanting out of the marriage and what I said to your friends, sometimes it is the controlling piece, other times it was my insomnia and me not wanting to go out, or you just marrying me because your father approved and that there hasn’t nor ever been any really love for me.



In the end, it is about trying to look forward if this family unit is to remain. It is now how to put the past behind us and find each other again. I will have to do the same things at Retrouville of putting the past behind me. You may not care about my feelings, but you are not the only one who has gone through horrible pain.



The one thing I have realized through all this is that staying together for the kids is not the best thing for the kids or us. You have seen how it has affected them so far. This is not healthy for them. They deserve to see a loving a family. A mother and father to show them what it is like to love. I need to be happy, you need to be happy. The other thing I have learned through all this is that life is about choices and consequences to those choices.



I am not sure what the kids say to you when you are with them without me. When the boys and I are out together, I don’t tell you what they say about us to you. I do console them and say nice things about you especially when things happen they way they did with Justin Saturday night. I am not pitting them against you. I am telling them that mommy and daddy love them very much and we are going through a tough time just as they sometimes do with each other."


Didn't get much response as expected. Maybe that was a good thing.

[neversaydie63]

Hey d1,

Just started checking out this forum and got on your thread (just started - its a long one!) anyway, wow, your sitch sounds close to mine but we have no kids, but some of the things your W is saying and doing , kinda scary, like my sitch.

Anyhow, I will read more and probably pop in here more often as it is really hitting home, only thing is my W is living at our rental house and has been for 5 months.

Hang in there

NSD

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks. Can use all the support you can get. Haven't given up yet. The only good thing is that she hasn't moved out. Don't anticipate that happening. If it does go to divorce, I think that it will be who cry's uncle first and leaves. I do hope this retreat we are going to at retroville is not a somke screen for her to just say that she tried. Anyway, I can make it another month until we go away to really discern if she wants to try...

I will take a look at your sitch as well.