Mywife has asked for a legal separation the papers are being drown up as we speak and the house will go up for sale in the next week as well. I have two daughters 3 and 6. My wife come to me 6 months ago and said her is done with me and my attitude. She said I have been verbally abusive for the last two years and do not respect her. I have gone to and continue to go to anger management classes for the last three months she said she sees a change but feels it will not be permanent. Her parents are wealthy and will help her by a place once the separation goes thru. She refuses counseling. I am not sure what a person can be thinking to take action that reduces the amount of time she has with the children by half. In my opinion doing what MY WIFE has done should not be an option without attempting to make the marriage work first. If our children had a say in all of this they would want to know their mom and dad tried everything possible to keep the family unit together, and to ensure the kids got every opportunity in life. There are many men that commit adultery, have alcohol or gambling problems, or subject their spouse to physical abuse. In these situations separation must happen but in the case where you have a man willing to work on the relationship and committed to his family I don't think separation should be an option - not without professional help and a sincere effort to work on things. One of the most challenging things is that these women seem to have no emotion…they have emotionally detached themselves somehow from all of those that love them more than anything - not sure how. I have noticed changes with her, buying new cloths wearing very sexy underwear which I have not seen on her in 12 years if ever. I only notice that because I am doing a lot of the laundry. She is more conscious of her looks getting her eye brows waxed nicely and fingernails manicured needless to say a new hair style and color a bolder blond blond blond. She is constantly in the bathroom in front of the mirror looking at herself like consumed. Between the hair produces new perfumes etc, I am not sure if any of the bills are being paid. I have found signs that she is putting money down on the bills but just the minimum payments. I am keeping an eye on this. She has purchased and read more style and people magazines than ever. Consumed and focused on herself, no energy directed at me and seemingly smaller doses directed towards her children. She is into this, it's your turn to deal with the kids I did it last time. It your turn to get them water I did it last time. My turn your turn routine. A confused and mentally drained dad.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Sorry to see you are hear stitch...Be prepared for a rollercoaster unlike any you have every experienced and you can't give the ticket back for a refund.
You have many options on how you want to proceed...the choice is yours. Focus on things you can control (I.E. yourself...GAL'ing and 180's) and be aware of, but unfocused on things you can't control (Your wife). You will see all over this board, DB'ing starts with you and rebuilding yourself...saving your marriage is just a possible outcome of that work.
Don't worry about what she is thinking, because what you think are rights and wrongs don't matter to your wife (sorry...just a hard truth). That is just another reason for you to focus on you!
I would be very proactive in finding out the cause of the new underwear. Don't ask your wife about it...because she will either lie or hold back the truth. Look for a reason, because it appears there should be one. In my experience women don't just start buying sexy lingerie for no reason. The same goes with the money situation. If she used to pay more than minimums on bills and now she isn't...the money must be going somewhere. Once you have your answers, be prepared for your reaction!
You are in the right place and there are a lot of brothers and sisters in this fight with you...some who have one and some who have lost....but they are more than willing to share their experiences. Tell us more about your relationship when you are ready...It will help in defining if your wife is a WAS or an MLC spouse. How each is treated is different.
very similar to my situation. My wife claims I am verbally abusive and has walked away without any attempt at reconciliation. Although in her case, its because she became too focused on the children and lost all focus on me except as an irritant.
I've just been focusing on GAL and improving myself. You can't control your wife, but you can become the best husband and father possible.
As for the new purchases - could be nothing, could be something. She may just be preparing herself for a newly single life.
Just hang in there. And read the DR book.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
My wife will be 37 this week Sept 10 our aniversery is the next day the 11th. Two girls 3 and 6. I have not been one to complement her on her looks very often. The reason for this is when I have said I like your new jeans or shirt her reply alway is a friend from work gave it to me....If I had a dime for everytime she said that line. I am a very observent person and I do pride myself in details as it is part of my day to day work activities as a arckatectual lighting designer. Your comments would be must apprisiated. Stitch.
stitch, the way it sounds it seems she has entered the "chase of happiness" phase. She has detached from you and she probably thinks happiness is not where you are. Back off, read DR, read "his needs, her needs', focus on you.
Could there be another man in the picture? The underwear thing sounds funny... Stay strong. This is no easy battle and there are no shortcuts. I am all for "tough love". Read threads on here, try to find the threads with advice to newcomers. Your sitch is very common. You are not alone. K
Stitch: have you ready anything on MLC? Sounds like she is full blown.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
As we have not been talking for weeks. Her birthday is tomorrow, my girls have made her cards and I am going to leave it at that, I will not buy her anything Do you think this is a good idea. 10 year anniversary is on the 11th yes sept. I was not going to do much if anything as well. Any ideas on how to approach this MLC Any advise. Thanks for your comments
Stitch, That is a tough question....I would lean towards doing nothing. Hopefully Lola has an opinion and I would listen too it very closely. You still need to give us more information on say the previous two years of your marriage....Your wife is at an age were it could be a full blown MLC, but a couple things pop up that tell me there is a fox in the chicken coop!
1-The new underwear...though women like to look pretty, the timing seems weird 2-Consumed on looks 3-The lack of "respect" comment
If I was on the prowl and wanted to seduce her....I would complement her on her looks and shower her with appreciation and respect...though more than likely lies....it would work. From there she would work on improving her appearance and throw the lack of respect comment your way. Do you think this could have happened?
Good initial 180 on the anger management class...uncontrolled anger is bad for anything from a marriage to just raising your kids. What other 180's have you done? Any GAL'ing? Have you given her space?
Unfortunately, she sounds like MLC to me. If you read a bit of the MLC board, you will find a lot of similarities.
I have done extensive research on MLC, not only personally but for school. Your W does sound like she is in the midst of one...the change in clothing, physically, hairstyle. The fact that she is self consumed is very telling. Individuals in the midst of this ONLY think of themselves, convinced that if they are happy, everyone else around them will also be happy. What they don't realize is that they are destroying their family.
Unfortunately, and I hate to tell you this, but also with these changes comes the strong possiblity that your W is having an affair. If not a PA, than an EA. Either that, or she is in the midst of some heavy duty flirting.
The first thing you will need to decide is whether or not you want to take a ride on the MLC roller coaster. It is long, winding, and there are no guarantees. It is one of the ugliest rides you will ever take, but in the end, you can come out of it stronger.
With MLC'ers, believe nothing they tell you. They will blame you constantly, and make it sound like everything is your fault. Now, some of it may be. Let's face it, we are all human and none of us are perfect. So work on the areas that she has complained of.
But first, think about how you want to proceed. I can give you a ton of information. Just let me know.
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
