Interesting GIMA. I'll have to process this and see if I agree. The problem as I see it is we, the LBS, have made major changes in our lives. At the same time the WAS as avoided any type of change. As there is always to sides to the story one party is moving forward while the other is standing still. Until such a time that the other party starts to address the real issues what is the hope of reconciliation?
The deal as I see it is that from the day the bomb is dropped, we LBS's are playing catch-up. The WAS has already detached from a long time leading up to the bomb day. Once detached, and fueled by negative emotions for which they blame the LBS (some valid, some not), the WAS can make the announcement that they are "done," "ILYBNILWY," and so forth. So, we LBS's then start the proceess, after getting over the initial "shock and awe", the WAS has already completed - detachment.
IMO (and after learning from Coach), our goal is to work on ourselves and get ahead of our WAS's by detaching. It is only from that perspective (if you aren't the lead dog, the view never changes) that teh LBS can begin to lead the M and create an environment where the WAS thinks it's worth working on the M. Maybe by this point, the LBS has begun to see things objectively and sees aspects of the WAS the LBS does not like and will not tolerate in the future. I think this is normal. Along with this comes doubting the MR. Again, normal. But, until the WAS is ready to work on the M, it is not time to address those concerns or issues (boundary line issues excluded obviously).
The big difference I see b/w the WAS and the LBS who has caught up with and passed (hopefully) the WAS is precisely what you point out - the LBS has not only detached, but has also made major changes to improve themselves. The WAS, most times, has simply detached without "doing the work." Perhaps this is why the changes in the LBS confuse the WAS.
Until the WAS is lured back into a state of wanting to work on the M, reconciliation will not happen. (Sort of begs the question of what is the definition of "reconciled" but that's a whole other ball of wax).
So, the issue seems to be whether the LBS is willing to "do the work" to create the possibility the WAS will want to work on the M. This is what we all signed up for when we started DB'ing. Maybe the M is saved, maybe not. But, we have to be the ones to carry the water and do the work until the WAS is ready to hop back in the canoe and help paddle.
