living with the turtle

[cat04]

Honestly, I think trying for things like a kiss goodnight might be a bit much to start with. I am here for the long haul, so those goals can come down the road. For me personally, I have to let him do this on his own. If he wants sex, he comes to me. If he wants to talk, he comes to me. It sort of feels like a backwards thing, but when I initiate anything, it sort of feels like manipulation. It might to him as well. So I go about my day, being as happy as I am at the moment, if there is something to share with him re house, S, or something I feel like saying, I say it. If that turns into a conversation, that is good. When I do things and he is around, I act like he is welcome to join in if he wants, no pressure at all. This is what I'm doing, what I was thinking about doing etc...

I will share that at first, there was no response or reaction. Then when he did start joining in a bit, he found every excuse in the book to make sure I knew it was because he really had no choice but didn't want to be doing it. I didn't let that slide at all. He always has a choice. Now he may still be feeling that way, but if he does, he hasn't said it. My first and biggest goal R wise was to simply reduce the tension. Then it was to enjoy myself. Then to maybe actually enjoy H. To find a way to communicate without too many misunderstandings. It seemed really contrived at first because I was always repeating questions, sounding really stupid because I would say things like "do you mean this or that" but then I explained that I was not comfortable assuming that I even remotely knew what he was trying to tell me. The questions don't seem to have to be asked as often now, because the communication is generally much clearer.

If down the road he decided to kiss me goodnight, that will be his choice. It all has to be his choice of what he will do and my choice of what I will accept. Does that make sense?