My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

In my current dark state it feels like the only answer is to call W's bluff. Put D on the table and get this thing moving in one direction or the other. Seems like my fears and emotions are getting the best of me, maybe causing all of the negativity and pessimism. I feel like I've lost the ability to see things through her eyes, be compassionate, etc. Not sure. In my current state I don't have the strength to sit back and watch her (figuratively) with OM. A month ago I was compassionate and forgiving and thought I could.

Seeing C this morning after missing a few weeks. Feeling down and not very hopeful. Hope to make today a turnaround day or at least a get a plan day.

[Stronger]

File for divorce only if that's what you want. Because at this point, I don't think you're going to win, if filing is just a bluff.

My H did it to me. Unfortunately for him, he didn't understand at the time I was ready. I want to save my relationship with him and create a new marriage, but I'm just as prepared for a new life without him.

He seems to understand that now as I see some pretty big changes in him and changes in his actions too.

So, again, do not think this way unless you are ready to carry through with a D.

[RedSoxFan]

File for divorce only if that's what you want. Because at this point, I don't think you're going to win, if filing is just a bluff.

Well, I'm 100% sure I don't want D but if I put it on the table I would be 100% prepared to go through with it. It's the in between state, the unknown that I can't seem to get a handle on accepting. Does that make sense?

[Stronger]

Of course it does, but really RSF, this is your fault. Sorry to put it so bluntly but it is.

So now it's time to take your medicine and deal.

This could end up with you two together. Why bluff? You have no cards with any kind of ability to win. So just sit there. Be patient. Take care of you, take care of your kids, take care of her from the distance she wants you to keep for now.

Have faith she's going to dump this guy.

Remember, you are the father of her children. She does want her kids and herself to be happy and if she decides the best thing is for all of you to be together, then alls well, right?

Stop looking for ways to get what you want RIGHT NOW. Be patient and stay the course and stop thinking about that other relationship. It's such a bigger deal in your head than it is in reality.

Do you really have any idea how much time they spend together now?

[RedSoxFan]

Some random thoughts.....

Of course it does, but really RSF, this is your fault. Sorry to put it so bluntly but it is.

So now it's time to take your medicine and deal.

OK. I've accepted responsibility. There have to be limits. Do I need to need a martyr.

This could end up with you two together. Why bluff? You have no cards with any kind of ability to win. So just sit there. Be patient. Take care of you, take care of your kids, take care of her from the distance she wants you to keep for now.

Have faith she's going to dump this guy.

Support from a distance. How far does this go. Should I buy them some toys and condoms? I separated and left. Got it. I had an affair. Got it. I ended it. Check. She's with another man. She knows I love her...we're still married. But she's still going. I cannot find a way in my head to combine my love for her with her being with another man. It seems desperate and paradoxical that I am asking her no to divorce me and while she continues dating someone. Maybe that's the part I just don't get in all of this. Lots of folks on this list seem to find ways to deal with it. Maybe I just have control issues as a few folks pointed out. PC and I discussed this yesterday and are digging into it further on Monday.

Remember, you are the father of her children. She does want her kids and herself to be happy and if she decides the best thing is for all of you to be together, then alls well, right?

Stop looking for ways to get what you want RIGHT NOW. Be patient and stay the course and stop thinking about that other relationship. It's such a bigger deal in your head than it is in reality.

Do you really have any idea how much time they spend together now?

Obviously with the every other weekend schedule they have that time together. Other time is difficult given school.

She just emailed me because the kids mentioned to her that we were invited to party Saturday night and they wanted to go. It's her weekend. She said she is fine if we go she just wants to know so she can plan around. Of course that means set up more time with OM. It just puts knots in my stomach. I love to be with my kids but I hate supporting the furthering of their relationship together. You're right, I can't do anything about it but should I stay married to someone who hurts me like this just because I screwed up? If so how long? Should I keep funneling over 1/3 of my income to her while I live a meager existence? If so how long?

People keep telling me to take care of myself. I'm in a great place to move on with my life. I have nothing but goodness in front of me were it not for being in limbo.

I'd be fine waiting a year if I knew we would be together. I loathe the idea of hurting for a year while I effectively support her falling in love with another man.

well, I guess these are my true colors.

[Stronger]

Martyr has two definitions:
1.) a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause
2.) a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

Which are you RSF?

All these questions can only be answered by you?

IF you want to divorce her to end your pain, then do it. Stop asking. Just do it.

Is divorcing her going to end your pain? Do you think divorcing her is going to help end that relationship?
Why do you think every thing she does when she's not with the kids is with him? Do you know for fact that it is? I don't know how going to a party with you and the kids frees her up for more time with OM....?????

"You're right, I can't do anything about it but should I stay married to someone who hurts me like this just because I screwed up?"

If you really believe the above, you need to divorce her right now. Because she's a cruel heartless person who doesn't deserve any happiness in her life.

She didn't do this to punish you. She moved on with her life because YOU LEFT HER. This has nothing to do with punishing anyone. This has to do with a woman who moved on.

All of this is your choice RSF. What I'm saying is really, I don't think your wife did anything wrong because you admit, you were the one who left. You were the one who wanted out. She let you go and she moved on.

Now, you have to deal with this and figure out what you can take, what you can't and what you want to do.

[RedSoxFan]

Martyr has two definitions:
1.) a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause
2.) a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

Which are you RSF?

Dude, I am over hear whining and having the pity-party of a lifetime. It's not really who I am but I can't shake it. I'm really beginning to think I just don't know how to NOT be in control.

All these questions can only be answered by you?

IF you want to divorce her to end your pain, then do it. Stop asking. Just do it.

Is divorcing her going to end your pain? Do you think divorcing her is going to help end that relationship?
Why do you think every thing she does when she's not with the kids is with him? Do you know for fact that it is? I don't know how going to a party with you and the kids frees her up for more time with OM....?????

"You're right, I can't do anything about it but should I stay married to someone who hurts me like this just because I screwed up?"

If you really believe the above, you need to divorce her right now. Because she's a cruel heartless person who doesn't deserve any happiness in her life.

I'm 90% sure she's not doing anything on purpose. But it still hurts like he11.

She didn't do this to punish you. She moved on with her life because YOU LEFT HER. This has nothing to do with punishing anyone. This has to do with a woman who moved on.

All of this is your choice RSF. What I'm saying is really, I don't think your wife did anything wrong because you admit, you were the one who left. You were the one who wanted out. She let you go and she moved on.

Now, you have to deal with this and figure out what you can take, what you can't and what you want to do.

The easiest thing to do right now would be to do the D and move on with my life. I have a great life ahead full of joy and happiness. In my heart though, something tells me that I will look back and regret not doing everything possible to save our family. What my heart doesn't tell me is how to live in purgatory and watch the woman I love with another man.

And you're right Stronger, I don't know how much time she's spending with him. I know it's not much. I don't know that she would spend Saturday night with him. I would certainly bet on it though. I'm doing my best not to care and not to find out.

[Coach]

I'm really beginning to think I just don't know how to NOT be in control.

Make a list of all the things you really have control over.

Stop listening to your heart and start thinking. Limboland/purgatory - only one way out. There is a reason you feel you are not doing enough and therefore will feel regret. Do you think how you are behaving right now is attractive to your wife? You are being watched by her, she is picking up your vibe. What would a strong, confident, wise and in control of himself man do right now?

Cheers

[Stronger]

Exactly Coach.

RSF, I'm glad you took that well. It might be the harshest post ever for me.

You are having a pity party and I would normally let you except you've admitted this whole situation was put into action BY YOU. So now you have to deal with the consequences.

Since you have no idea how much time she is spending with him, forget about it and assume, not that much. It sounds like you see her fairly often.

Stay the course and get the eff out of your head. Yeah, divorce is the easier way out of a marriage. But divorce is just a piece of paper, it doesn't end your feelings. If it did, we'd all be divorced, right?

And if you have to live in limboland, you can make the best of it so you never look back and think "Man, what a little wuss" when thinking of yourself during this time.

GO GET A LIFE. You'll be happy you did.

[RedSoxFan]

Thanks Stronger!

Thanks to all of you for putting up with me and not giving up.